Feeling undesired

[Mrsfedup55]

So ive been with dh for nearly 30 years. 2 older dc together. Our sex life has never been fantastic apart from in the early stages when we were early 20's. He is my absolute soul mate and i love him completely and i know he loves me. I would never leave him but am becoming more and more unhappy with our lack of sex life. We have an odd set up. We sleep in seperate bedrooms and work together (at the moment from home) full time. So always with each other apart ftom sleep times! This was a joint decision because he snores badly, i wriggle all night etc and despite really trying to change this several times it doesnt work and leads to dreading bed time and having little sleep. He has seen the GP several times and no real cause for snoring. Ive tried so many ear plugs but not comfortable using them permanently. So the sleeping arrangements will not change.
We are rubbish at being affectionate to each other too. Peck on cheek or mouth but rarely kiss properly unless sex is imminenr. Its so difficult. We live like best friends or siblings either. I dont feel he desires me at all as sex is hardly ever instigated and i cant just turn my sexy feelings on immediately. I dont know what to do about it. Weve discussed it so many times over the years and try to kiss and cuddle more but it never lasts. Even when we do have sex its the same and only in 2 positions! I dream about what it would be like if he couldnt keep his hands off me! I actually feel jealous when watching sex scenes on tv and when friends moan about their partners always touching them i wish mine would!
But then i know I'm shit too. I dont make an effort either because we are either working and its not appropriate, cant be arsed or no time as the kids are around! He hates morning sex so that isnt an option either to sneak into bed together when kids are asleep. When we go on holiday if we have option of sleeping together he moves beds apart as he is so paranoid about snoring. Then sleeps on sofa bed so i share with youngest dc.
I dont really know if theres any hope we can get sex back and have a normal relationship but any advice would be great and sorry for rambling so much!

Hi,
I am sorry to hear this is happening.. I am not sure what to advise - has the situation deteriorated in time? After the birth of the children? I mean was there ever a shift that you could notice? And were you always finding showing affection difficult? Or was there a time when that came naturally? Perhaps it's worth trying to think back at how or when things changed and try to speal to him, if you have good communication maybe you'll be able to find out his side?

Why not allocate a day or two a week where you go to your bed together, be intimate, then he returns to his bed to sleep - or not. Read Esther Perez's Mating in Captivity. It is about just this.

Esther Perel's (damn autocorrect!)

Have you talked to him about it? That might be the first step. See if he feels the same.

Then date nights. Take it in turns to cook for each other. Massages? I think if you rebuild the romancing it may be that the intimacy will follow.

When you say you'd like more exciting sex, do you know what this would look like. Could you tell him? He may just find the thought of you wanting to do something different exciting!

We are in a similar position to you, 30 years together, sleep apart, one dc (adult) still living at home. But we also have an active and fulfilling sex life. Why? I think because we have always acknowledged that sex is important and should be prioritised. You need to make time for it and discuss your needs with your DP.

What can you not become more tactile and affectionate with your DH to start the ball rolling? It doesn't need to lead to sex, just to break down the barriers so that bodily contact does not seem unexpected or unusual. You both need to tackle his paranoia about snoring, although we sleep apart most of the time at home we sleep together on holiday, there is an expectation that holidays mean more sex. And anyway if you are on holiday you can stay in bed longer to make up the lost sleep.

*WHY can you not become more tactile......