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Original poster

Trying no contact with ex, kids asking for him

18 replies

WingingItAtLife · 17/01/2021 08:43

Hi
I had some great support the other day/night with regards to minimizing contact with ex after him trying to manipulate me.
Picked my kids up off him on Thursday afternoon, I have no idea when they'll see him next... We briefly discussed alternative weekends but nothing actually agreed.
We've just woke up and our 4 year old is asking for daddy. I said, yes he'll see daddy soon.
What do I do/say????
I hate not being able to give the kids a straight answer to when they'll see him.
He told them they could video chat him if they asked mummy. I don't mind doing that, except if they say to him they wanna see him, he'll say something like 'okay, come over'. He sees nothing wrong with unplanned visiting/no structure
Anyone have any advice x x

OP posts:
smoothchange · 17/01/2021 08:47

I don't know the backstory. Why are you not allowing him access?

harknesswitch · 17/01/2021 08:50

I remember your thread.

I think I'd be as honest with the dd as you can. 'I'm not sure when you'll see daddy next' 'daddy will come to see you as soon as he can' etc

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 17/01/2021 08:53

I am allowing him access...
We split in Nov. He was seeing the kids every week 3/4 times. He then decided before Christmas that he didn't want to anymore. He saw them twice over Christmas then not for two weeks. He asked to see them on Tues for two nights, I agreed. Within a few hours he was on the phone telling me he couldn't cope with the pain of missing me/the family unit. And if I didn't go there (to support him in what was the family home that he's still living in because he refuses to move out- even though the kids and I are sharing a bed at my parents) he was moving on with his new family .... A girl and her daughter that he met in December.
I'm not refusing regular, planned access. But I'm not allowing him to be in and out of their lives when he feels like it

OP posts:
smoothchange · 17/01/2021 08:57

I'm not refusing regular, planned access

So when it's planned you can tell your D.C. until then any questions you just say 'I don't know yet. She have still to arrange it'

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 17/01/2021 09:03

Yes, and I'd love nothing more than regular planned access. But he won't discuss it. He actively avoided me during pick up on Thursday... Stood on the stairs around the corner so I couldn't see him. I don't want to message and ask to discuss it because he literally uses any and every excuse to drag me into a conversation about how we can work through our issues. It lasts for hours and it's exhausting.
I will tell DC that they'll see daddy when he's available and not working, but I'm not sure when yet

Thank you x

OP posts:
hellasciously · 17/01/2021 09:03

Contact him regarding set up a schedule for visits and video calls. After a routine is set up then only speak to him regarding the children, house etc.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 09:03

Yes to the video chat. If ad hoc is organised
"That doesn't work right now, we all need a little time to be ready, but if Daddy can do (whenever the contact should be) that works"
We've just woke up and our 4 year old is asking for daddy.
"I'm hoping next weekend but I am Waiting for Daddy to confirm"
Dont promise anything that is out of your control. Be brutally honest with yourself on what can be achieved what cant

smoothchange · 17/01/2021 09:06

Yes, and I'd love nothing more than regular planned access. But he won't discuss it.

This is your issue, not what to say to your 4 year old. Can you get any external help with sorting access?

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 17/01/2021 09:10

I was in a very similar position many years ago. It was very unsettling for my DS (who was 4 at the time) as ex would make promises that he never kept and was very inconsistent in his behaviour as he also couldn't handle the break-up of the family unit. This went on for years and at the age of 9 my DS declared he didn't want to visit him anymore. It got very messy after that and they have never recovered their relationship and we're now all NC; as far as my DS is concerned he doesn't have a dad (he's now 19).
It's early days for you but I would do everything you can to speak to your ex about the need for consistency for the children. And if that doesn't work I'd recommend mediation.

unicornsarereal72 · 17/01/2021 09:13

Take control of the situation. Does he work shifts? If not email him. The children Need consistency and routine especially in these strange times.
They are available to you every Wednesday for tea at x time. And every other weekend starting y. If you aren't able to see the children then there is no rearranging.

You have to be strong on this routine. My ex didn't like it. But in time you will want to make your own plans with and without the children.

As for when the children ask. It is ok to say you don't know. My youngest use to get upset when her dad cancelled. Or just didn't reply to messages etc. But sadly she is use to it now. And knows her dad is a flaky piece of crap.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 09:16

Do not discuss contact in person at this stage. Try to get ahead. Email
" we are finding ad hoc contact quite unsettling, please can we agree a regular time visits over the next month. I suggest.......whilst there likely may be DC has a need for flexibility in the future right now he knows exactly when he will see you next. If we can agree these easily without fuss I can mark them on a calendar for him"
You may get some resistance. A bit of I can't do that etc "This is why we need a set schedule as it allows both of us to make arrangements that prioritise DC's needs and doesn't waste both our time with pointless discussions" basically if you can't commit to fixed time, the schedule needs to be more rigid and planned further in advance.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 09:18

Sorry that should read

"whilst it may be DC has a need for flexibility in the future, right now he needs to know exactly when he will see you next"

Soontobe60 · 17/01/2021 09:20

@unicornsarereal72

Take control of the situation. Does he work shifts? If not email him. The children Need consistency and routine especially in these strange times. They are available to you every Wednesday for tea at x time. And every other weekend starting y. If you aren't able to see the children then there is no rearranging.

You have to be strong on this routine. My ex didn't like it. But in time you will want to make your own plans with and without the children.

As for when the children ask. It is ok to say you don't know. My youngest use to get upset when her dad cancelled. Or just didn't reply to messages etc. But sadly she is use to it now. And knows her dad is a flaky piece of crap.

Totally agree. Tell him when he will have the children. Also, get someone else to drop off at his, and get him to drop them off at yours but have someone else there to greet them. I did this to avoid the painful conversations he kept trying to have.
Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 09:23

Just in case you need it and to get rid of the ad hoc contact
"It is not good to cherry pick contact. Dc needs to know you are committed to being a constant presence in his life and that you will make him a priority. Therefore Visiting needs to be committed and consistent" then go into introducing a schedule.

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 17/01/2021 09:48

Thanks for the replies.
I will have a think about what will work with regards to contact, and write an email I think.
When we've previously discussed regular contact, Wednesday evenings were discussed too. I can't see the email going down well but I have to try for the kids. Wish me luck x

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 09:58

No it wont go down well. Dont argue, just copy and paste like a broken record. Bear in mind he needs to make active effort not you, if DC never sees Ex again because he can't be bothered to make a commitment its probably best that DC finds this out sooner rather than later.

unicornsarereal72 · 17/01/2021 11:08

He will resist because in my case he wanted to fit the children in around whatever else was going on in his life.

Just repeat the children need consistency and routine to feel safe and loved. Etc. This is about what is best for the children.

Also it is about an element of control so that you can't make your own plans

Original poster
WingingItAtLife · 17/01/2021 11:35

It's absolutely about control - he's admitted that.... 'why should I have the kids for a weekend so you can do what you want to do!' 🙄

And yes, I feel like he needs to also think about this and not leave it to me to 'chase him' to see his kids.
I honestly deluded myself into thinking by now we could at least be amicable x

OP posts:
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