Just before Xmas, my partner of 6 years left me for another woman. He has admitted to having sex with someone else (lied to me 5 times before being truthful) whilst on tour with the army. He’s 3 months in to a 6 month stint. I feel completely blindsided. He met her at dance class on base. I would ask what steps he had learned after class! Feel like such a fool. Over the last month I knew something was wrong but suspected depression - not this. I thought he was really struggling with COVID restrictions and being confined to base. I would ask him what was wrong when he was distant on our calls, I suggested he may need help. He denied anything being wrong. Until finally he cracked, said he was really sad and needed time to figure out why. Another week passed and I asked if he’d had his head turned - he denied then said he’d met someone he really connected with, she tried to kiss him one night and he pushed her away. I explained that it’s probably a crush (holiday fling) and we could work through this - he agreed to try. Another week passed and he’s made no effort, and my gut tells me there is more to this. I ask him if he’d slept with her and he said yes. He started to cry but there was no attempt to ask my forgiveness - just a lot of self pity. I ended the relationship on the call. Another week later and we speak again, he now tells me he’s in love with her, she’s going to move over to the UK to be with him - he wants me out of our home before he gets back in March. I had to beg him not to move the OW into our home.
We didn’t talk for a while after that, but when we did, I could still make him laugh (I make jokes as a coping mechanism) and he made a comment about how well we were getting on. I asked him if he felt he’d back himself into a corner by having sex with this woman before he knew how he truly felt about her and he said ‘sometimes I feel that way’ - he loves me but thinks it’s a different kind of love but says he could wake up one morning and think ‘what have I done?’ Anyway, he said he thinks he’s made the right decision but then also said he didn’t ask my forgiveness because his biggest fear was me rejecting him? I know, it makes zero sense. I’m sorry this is a bit all over the place, my head is totally f**ked. I have cut contact with him, he got in touch again after so I’ve told him he needs to stop now.
Bit of background: we’ve known each other since we were young. Live together, not married, no children but agreed to try in the next couple of years. He joined the military 2 years into our relationship. He was really unhappy in his office job so I (stupidly) suggested he followed his dreams of becoming a soldier despite the strain I knew it would add. We made it through 4 years, but this tour has broken us (6 months) - I knew it would be tough but I never dreamed he would cheat on me.
I have suffered with depression/anxiety for about 8 years and he’s always been really understanding. I would worry that it would sometimes be too much for him and he would always say to me ‘what’s the only way you’ll get rid of me?’ And I would answer ‘if I was unfaithful’ - reassuring me that nothing I could say relating to my anxiety would put him off me. It’s hard for me to get my head around the fact that he’s done the very thing he despised. I would say he’s been responsible for a lot of my recovery which is why this feels even more devastating. My anxiety is crippling, 30% of my hair has come out and I feel like I did before I met him, totally lost. I really believed we were soulmates. I can’t seem to accept that it’s over - firstly because I’ve not actually seen him in person since August and won’t until March this year, secondly because he doesn’t seem sure of his decision, thirdly because it’s so out of character that it’s unbelievable. He had a friend that cheated on his partner and he said it was disgusting and he respected me too much to ever do that - we agreed if we ever had our heads turned we would never act on anything before being honest with each other. Sorry I’m going on, I just don’t get through one day without this incredible pain in my chest. I’ve lost my best friend, my home (currently living with parents at 28 years old) oh and I also lost my job earlier this year due to COVID! Life is great - lol.
What I’m really struggling with is, he knew doing something like this would break me and he did it anyway. Why couldn’t he have waited to see how he felt when he got home and saw me? Why did he have sex with her then text me straight afterwards saying ‘night love you’ - he’s told me so many painful details that go round in my head constantly, I just need it to stop. The fact they had sex in an office - meaning it was pre meditated, planned, he had plenty of opportunities not to do it but chose to do it anyway. He’s since admitted that he thinks he was suffering with depression over this last month - I don’t know whether that’s genuine or an excuse for his actions. He’s described her to me and she just sounds like my double (personality) - so I can only imagine she’s incredibly beautiful (he told me how attractive she was - because why not dig the knife in a bit deeper ey?!’ - or she doesn’t have depression so he doesn’t have the burden of helping her through anything?
I was expecting a proposal this year and instead I’ve been cheated on. Feeling incredibly lost, undesirable and struggling to see the point in the day to day. I know I should count myself lucky we were never married / no kids involved - still hurts like hell though. He cried before he left because he didn’t want to be without me, now I’ve been tossed aside like trash. I’m dreading March - our home was 10 mins from my parents house so I’m going to have to see him at some point AND potentially her if she does move for him (she also cheated on her boyfriend too - what a fun start to their relationship!)
It’s been around 6 weeks now and I still cry everyday. Nightmares most nights (when I do sleep) - I’ve spoken with Dr and got a change of meds / sleeping aids to help in the short term. I’ve forced myself to see friends (before lockdown) and get back into running. But I feel like my friends are now getting tired of it - I think I had a 2 week period of friends constantly checking in. I guess now I’m just expected to get on with it. I’m really struggling with this lockdown - when my last serious relationship ended (similar circumstances - I do pick ‘em) my friends took me out - I got dolled up, drank lots of wine, flirted outrageously and danced all night...oh and I cried, but god did it feel good to get out and get some attention - even though I was hurting, I felt desirable and that gave me hope.
Thank you to whoever reads this and can offer some pearls if wisdom - I appreciate it’s A LOT. xx