Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Question for "second wife's"

27 replies

Qwerty323 · 17/01/2021 00:18

Apologies for using the term second wife. It makes me cringe too lol.
But I have a question..
How much do you know about your partners relationship with their first wife?

I'm a "second wife", my partner was in a long term relationship that ended about 6/7 years before we met. They lived together, bought a home together, and had children together.
Recently when I asked a question (in conversation) that linked to when he was in said long term relationship and he gave a very short lacking in detail answer. When I thought about it I realised he's a very closed book regarding that relationship (therefore a fair sized chunk of his life) and I'm wondering is that normal?
Do fellow second wife's know much about their partners life with their "first wife"?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 17/01/2021 00:22

I have never talked about anything private after a relationship ended, and I never dated anyone who would over share details about their ex either.

DH has an ex wife, I've met her, she seems lovely and while I know why they broke up I've never wanted details. DH knows a bit more about my first husband, he died very young and I'm still in contact with his family, he still doesn't know anything that would be private.

What are you wanting to know?

moomin11 · 17/01/2021 00:26

Yes plenty, both times!

sausageandrashers · 17/01/2021 00:31

I know anything I've asked about. Husband is an open book. Having said that there's things I've wanted to un-know and realise I asked a lot out of insecurities I had at the start of our relationship.
Maybe you dh just doesn't think it's important to share past marriage details because he's quite happy living in the now with his wife Smile

HelloDaisy · 17/01/2021 00:38

Yes, I know lots about the first wife and have met her several times and know her family. Have actually been to events with dh that she has been at too. No problem with us as she left him and before I met him.

Dh has no contact with her now as no dc involved and she has moved away so we don’t bump into her anywhere. Dh has talked about her and I already knew why they had split up before I met him as we have mutual friends.

Original poster
Qwerty323 · 17/01/2021 00:39

What are you wanting to know?
The question I asked that I'm referring to was regarding him becoming a dad. So a strong link to their relationship, but also a big part of his life regardless. And nothing incredibly personal.

I just came to realise that I know a lot about, and I could retell a million anecdotes he's told me from his childhood, school life, teenage years, and earlier 20s. But from the time he's was in that relationship it's the total opposite, I don't know much at all, not even talking about personal relationship details but more his life during that period in time. That's what I wasn't sure if it was normal.

OP posts:
BathroomWork · 17/01/2021 00:48

I’ve been married twice, and my second husband didn't want to know any more about my first husband than he did about any of my other exes. To him they were all the same; just exes, and I feel like that about his ex s too, even though he wasn't married to any of them.

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2021 00:49

I only know what my husband has offered. I don’t really care, TBH. He’d been divorced for two years when we met, and he’s not on good terms with his first wife.

I’m secure enough not to want to know much about her, or their relationship. It was a different life for him. Apparently I’m very different to his ex, but I’m not interested in finding out how.

Why do you care? It bothers me not one jot that I don’t know much about his life during his first marriage. I don’t need to know everything about him.

TheNationsFavourite · 17/01/2021 00:51

My DH has been married previously (more than once!) but has never had children so is not in contact with former wives.

I know the basics but he doesn't talk comfortably about his previous marriages because it was a long time ago and he was a bit of a twat, to put it mildly. He's late middle age now and very sedate.

Pipandmum · 17/01/2021 00:53

Yes I knew a fair bit. My husband was very good at separating the relationships though - he was not yet divorced when we met but he never moaned at me about her, only what I needed to know.
I didn't want to know intimate details - but of course you find things out and as they shared children it was inevitable that there was ongoing communication between them. I also have all the photo albums of their life together, which I can't quite bring myself to look at in any detail (he passed away after we'd been married 7 years).

Original poster
Qwerty323 · 17/01/2021 00:54

Why do you care? It bothers me not one jot that I don’t know much about his life during his first marriage. I don’t need to know everything about him.

As I said it's more that it's the only period in his life I know little about. Less that I care, more just curious if it's the norm I suppose

OP posts:
Miffyliffy · 17/01/2021 01:20

Mine has one child with exw, I've met her, do pick up drop off etc.

They were together 15/16 years, so I'm sure there's alot to hear. He's told me things, answered any questions I ask, if something on tv pops up that sparks a convo relevant hell mention etc or answer. I know personal details, mainly because when we first met we were friends with benefits and so when we made the transition to relationship I made it know I wasn't into threesomes etc and wanted monogamy as that's something his previous marriage involved.

Gyh863 · 17/01/2021 09:34

I find it strange that a few people seem to think asking questions about the relationship is about insecurity and comparison.

Didn't people want to know why they were divorced, given the same issues could then affect your relationship? I'd want to see signs that they knew what had gone wrong, and had taken some responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the relationship, what they would now do differently.

I've been in a relationship with someone who has criticised his ex wife a lot, and been very quiet about the stuff above. And over time I've seen his bad behaviours come out and can now see exactly how he contributed to the break up. I think it's a red flag.

teenage · 17/01/2021 09:38

My partner and I discuss our previous relationships, not in massive, private detail but more along the lines of dynamics, mistakes made, happy times, hard times. My partner was only married 2 years, but I was married for 18, and have DC. Our past informs our present and it does no good to pretend otherwise. Having said that, neither of us talk about it at length, it just comes up from time to time.

FiveShelties · 17/01/2021 09:49

Not interested in my husband first wife. I have also been married before and my husband has never showed any interest in that. No children in either marriage so that is perhaps the difference.

People make mistakes and people change, no point in dwelling on what is in the past in my view.

RantyAnty · 17/01/2021 09:54

Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about when they were together.

Would you really want to hear about the good times they had and the fun places they went?

I was a 2nd wife and I didn't know all the details and didn't really want to know.

I knew how they met, where he was working, about the house they built, the pets they had, basic reasons they split and that was about it.

I spared my 2nd husband the details of my first marriage too other than general things.

I'd say let it go and focus on the now.

TramaDollface · 17/01/2021 10:04

Well my predecessor died so that was never an issue

They were divorced no kids

The ultimate clean break sadly

LaBellina · 17/01/2021 10:08

I know why they divorced. I have seen photos of her. I know how afraid he is that some patterns might repeat itself and how some bad things that happened during their relationship, still have an influence on ours, these days.

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2021 10:20

Didn't people want to know why they were divorced, given the same issues could then affect your relationship?

There’s no point in asking the question unless you ask both parties, because you’ll get a one-sided view if you only ask the party you are involved with.

My husband volunteered reasons for his divorce when I met him. I knew that there would be more to it, of course, but why bother digging? I wanted to make my own mind up, by getting to know him properly before I committed.

DisneyMillie · 17/01/2021 10:28

I know a reasonable amount about DHs first wife - she worked with him still when we met and they have mutual friends so I’ve met her a few times and he’s mentioned things sometimes. I know why they split. I don’t think I’d want to hear too many little anecdotes about when they had a happy life though and I think it would be a little odd for him to give them.

My dh knows my ex dh fairly well as especially at the moment he comes over every couple of weeks and spends the day with our dd as he lives away and there’s no where else for them to meet during COVID. I don’t recount happy tales to him though - that would be insensitive.

We’ve both said that it’s a bit odd sometimes that a decade of your life is kind of wiped out with no one to reminisce about things with / no desire to look at photos etc

BringPizza · 17/01/2021 10:45

I'm a second wife, DH left her for me. Not as juicy as it sounds, we were friends and he left her because he saw in me that there were 'nice' women out there and he didn't have to stay with her. DH never complained about her to me, and now he never mentions her, but I know from his family and friends that she was a manipulative, miserable cow who controlled every aspect of his life. Looking back, he did always have to be home at a certain time rather than coming to the pub after work with everyone else and spent his weekends with her family. She's not really an appealing conversation topic to be honest! We don't talk about my ex either, not sure why you would. If they were that interesting you'd still be with them.

GreenAppleFruit · 17/01/2021 11:30

I know nothing. They had split up before I came along
Husband also hid child from previous relationship from me...
That was an unpleasant surprise, I was pregnant with our second child

Rather wish we hadn’t married at all.
I wouldn’t advise anyone to marry and be a second wife, you have years of having no money, as most of his money is given to the other family to the detriment of your own family.

I wouldn’t do it in hindsight

Ladylimpet · 17/01/2021 11:32

I get it op. It's not the 'first wife' you particularly want to hear about. It's that part of your partner's life you don't really hear about? Just been thinking, and it's the same here. My partner will regale me with stories about teenage years etc, but nothing really about him becoming a father and funny stories about his kids etc... only very occasionally. He will, reminisce in front of his kids though. Which is nice to hear!
I do understand it though, he probably thinks I don't want to hear about birthing stories and things he went through with his ex. It's their history, so even though it's his past, it's a shared past isn't it?
Sometimes he'll pop out with a memory and say him and his friends did such and such... when I know he means his ex! I just tell him to say that. I don't mind!

Ladylimpet · 17/01/2021 11:36

Also, people move on and grow up a bit. I know I don't even like thinking about my life with one particular ex, and would never ever mention anything to do with that part of my life. He was just a dick, so memories associated with it, just bring it all up again. So I definitely brush over this.. so that might be part of it. Not wishing to drag things up you're not really bothered about anymore. Looking forward and all that!

RandomMess · 17/01/2021 11:39

I've always asked why their relationship failed and they've always told me including their failings. I know the odd anecdote.

Original poster
Qwerty323 · 17/01/2021 13:14

@ladylimpet
You've nailed exactly what I was thinking! And funnily enough my DP does the same regarding saying certain memories are with friends etc, when they were actually with her. And I'd rather he was just honest!
But you're right he obviously doesn't want to talk about it for a reason and as much as I only know the side of the story that comes from him and his family, she wasn't a particularly loving partner (to put it politely!)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread