Friendship has been dying for a long time but friend is having a tough time.

[thisisadiana84]

I've had a friend for five years now. We're very different people, but we got along well and I loved who she was. She was great during some tough times I had. I think I was a good friend, or at least a decent one -- I traveled to support her at her career events, wrote stuff for her website, etc.

About midway through my pregnancy, a year and a half ago, I felt she was a bit off she promised to organise my baby shower but left it so late some of my friends couldn't come, she texted me less often. I figured she was busy or just had a lot on. My son was born, she seemed OK for a bit, and then, in January last year, she forgot my birthday. Normally I don't give a toss if my friends don't remember my birthday but we were very close and it hurt, especially in the light of the other stuff. I told her I was really upset and felt like she was disinterested in me or something was off with us she apologised and I figured that was that.

But she seemed to contact me less and less last year. I've been so sad about it. In August she told me she was divorcing her husband. The pandemic meant I could only help her in a limited way, but I still sent my exceptionally lonely husband round to take her heavier stuff to her new place. I tried texting her to check in with her but she hardly ever responded so I stopped. In October we had to isolate, and when I texted her she didn't even ask if we needed anything, despite the fact my house is on her way home.

We met up one time in October (at my invite), but I haven't heard from her since. She's (obviously) very upset about her divorce. January rolled around, she forgot my birthday again (texted me two later and wished me happy birthday for the wrong day). Something in me just broke. I'm done. I don't want to be her friend anymore.

Would it be terrible to just not text her anymore, to just let it die? I feel torn because she's going through a tough time, but I feel like something's been wrong for a year and a half, and that's a long time.

Thank you, Russellbrandshair, your post is exactly how I feel.

I don't mind periods where I'm giving and she's taking, but this doesn't feel like a friendship anymore.

I just feel like the person she offloads to every two months. It's shit.

I totally agree with you OP, friendships should be 2 way. You have been there for her and supported her but there comes a time when you can do no more. If she needs more help than you can give then she can book some sessions with a professional counsellor. It’s fair to expect a good friend to care equally for you, be interested in your life, to ask you how you are and at the very least remember your birthday. It’s time to let it go OP. If she does notice and holds out the hand of friendship at some point in the future you can decide then if it’s something you you want to continue with but you would need to be clear about the terms of the friendship.

I think it's just an exceptionally hard time atm ib general and it sounds like your friend is going through a lot with an eating disorder and divorce. She may just not be in the right frame of mind to be open, to engage and properly 'maintain' the friendship.

I understand why you'd be hurt, and you're not obligated to be endlessly understanding, but I think if it were me I'd try to stay on friendly terms, but not contact her much, and see if time helps. Yes it's been a while already but a crisis can take an awful long time to work through. A friendship can go through phases, maybe this one has run its course, but then again things may look different again in the future.

You say you understand her but you aren't really listening to those who have been in the same position as your friend so I would say that you don't really get her at all. She's in pain. She is probably trying to figure out who and what work best for her. If you did want to contact her, I wouldn't send her a patronising message highlighting her difficulties. I would just tell her that you are checking in, maybe say something light hearted and allow communication to return. It may never be the same as before. I am sure that you are a lovely person but you maybe aren't good for her at the moment.

“ When we were going through infertility we messaged our friends to say we were struggling to be around small children and please not take it personally.”.

This is a pretty unusual thing to do though, she’s obviously just a bit more private than that.

Clearly you're not in the right place to be a friend to her right now, as you're frustrated and hurt. But as pps have said, friendships can wax and wane.

If you do still care about her, I would just leave the ball in her court, and see how you feel should she ask to meet up. You can always put her off gently if you're not ready to see her.

If you don't want the friendship anymore, that's up to you, but don't be unkind to her. I do think she's probably really struggling with the grief over her divorce and thought of never having childreń.

But you do have a part to play in how the friendship turned into therapy sessions, you know - you could have redirected the conversations or said something. It's no good sitting there feeling dumped on and then seething about it later. Have some boundaries at the time.

It's true, I don't understand exactly what she's going through. Does anyone completely understand anyone else? There are parts of what she's going through that I get and parts I don't. I understand not having a baby and depression. I don't understand eating disorders or divorce.

But I guess, and this is where I disagree with some posters, I don't think her problems mean I have to put aside my feelings, my problems, and my life for YEARS. I'm OK with being there for her as a friend and having it be completely about her for, say, six months or a year, but it's been a year and a half and I feel like nothing is changing.

To the poster who said I should have brought up how I was feeling like a therapist much sooner: you're right. I was scared of upsetting her and hoped, but now I just feel really sad and don't want to see her anymore.

She's in a bad place and I'm upset with her. My telling her I'm upset won't help and could potentially do more damage to her, as I don't think she is willing or has the capacity to consider how I feel. I'll chat to her by text if she wants to, but I've decided I'm not going to meet up anymore.

This is my last post. Thank you to the posters who thought about both her and me and not just her. I've felt ignored for a long time.

@thisisadiana84 I think most posters have considered both you and your friend, but to be honest you sound quite self-centred so maybe that's why it doesn't feel weighted towards you enough. Your friend is going through heavy-duty stuff and it doesn't sound as if you're actually that bothered.

The fact is no one knows why she is behaving this way but her. However if you are not happy and feel the friendship is over then so be it. She might be having a tough time but relationships take effort.

As PPs have said, it sounds like she is not interested in being a friend anymore anyway.

Some friends are only around when it suits them or can only focus on themselves when things are tough. Maybe she is one of them.

@Whatabambam

You say you understand her but you aren't really listening to those who have been in the same position as your friend so I would say that you don't really get her at all. She's in pain. She is probably trying to figure out who and what work best for her. If you did want to contact her, I wouldn't send her a patronising message highlighting her difficulties. I would just tell her that you are checking in, maybe say something light hearted and allow communication to return. It may never be the same as before. I am sure that you are a lovely person but you maybe aren't good for her at the moment.

I don’t agree. OP has in no way been patronising. She has checked in on her friend several times but her friend has ignored her. You cannot force someone to interact with you. OP has also said she feels like her friends therapist as their meetings involve the friend venting to her all the time!! I hardly think that sounds patronising. In fact, it seems like OP is the one doing all the running and all the listening. OP cannot make her friend get in touch and ifvthrir friendship drifts as a result that is NOT the OPs fault. We can only be responsible for our own emotions and our own behaviour, not other people’s.

I think you expect to much.

She was having problems in her marriage that led to a divorce and your upset because she didn’t text Happy Birthday to you?

You do realise that a divorce is a MAJOR life altering event that has probably effected her personality and maybe led to depression?

You sound very selfish and childish...

You are coming across as extremely self absorbed. Why does she need to ask you if you need anything on her way home?? You have a husband for that. She is going through an extremely life changing time- divorce is such! And her chance of family life and kids has also gone along with that. But yet you are more concerned about your birthday? She was distant probably because she had a whole lot more important things going on. Actually rather leave her be, she doesn't need friends like you to be 'done with her'.

She sounds like she's struggling to keep her head above water. It's normal to hide away when you are going through something major. I think the things you are upset over are very minor, wishingbyou happy birthday etc and you're not being a great friend to her rather than the other way round. At the least I would regularly text her to say you hope shes ok and you're there is she wants to talk, and I wouldn't worry if she didn't reply but would still keep checking in.