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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want someone to love me

41 replies

Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 21:05

I’m 22 all my relationships have been failures, always getting cheated on or left for another female.

I’m trying to love myself but I’m finding it so hard, my mindset right now is that I’d much rather someone just love me or atleast act as if they do.

When I’m bored I try to message my ex’s. I crave attention and love.

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 16/01/2021 21:14

I’m not sure I’d worry too much about loving yourself - start with liking yourself.

Everybody wants attention and love, but if you’ll do anything to get it then you will end up in some serious crap.

You sound bored - It is a shitty time right now, but think about what you can do to use this time well and what you want to do afterwards. If you build a good life, good people will want to join the party. Make some plans, don’t message your exs.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 21:14

You’re worth more than the ex’s who have badly treated you.
Cheating & lying That defines them, not you. Don’t dwell on them
Block their contacts and don’t text when feeling low
Get some distractions, online apps eg headspace , bit streaming, whatever works for you

Magicpaint · 16/01/2021 21:21

I can fully understand where you are coming from. I'm in the same position.
Lockdown makes it a million times worse.
I feel like I need validation from someone anyone so much that I would settle for anything. But then I think that tells me that I really do need to love myself first. Be content with myself first then move on to dating etc.
There have been times when I've wanted to contact exes. But it just isn't worth it. But you are.
Focus on yourself, do your best to keep busy. But I do understand it is very difficultFlowers

Eckhart · 16/01/2021 21:32

I’m trying to love myself but I’m finding it so hard, my mindset right now is that I’d much rather someone just love me or atleast act as if they do

That's the attitude that gets people trapped in unhealthy and damaging relationships.

You need to sort yourself out before having a relationship. It might not be what you want to do, but lets face it; we would all rather sit on the sofa watching TV all day, eating pizza and ice cream, but adults know that sometimes you have to do things you don't feel like, in order to get where you want to be in life.

What was your childhood like? I would bet you didn't feel listened to and valued, so you've been preprogrammed to think you're a bit rubbish and now you need someone else to reassure you that you're not.

Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 21:36

@Eckhart yeah my childhood was bad, all my life I’ve just wanted to feel validated and that I’m worthy or just important to someone. It’s getting tiring chasing it all now

OP posts:
Eckhart · 16/01/2021 21:41

[quote Tiyaddd]@Eckhart yeah my childhood was bad, all my life I’ve just wanted to feel validated and that I’m worthy or just important to someone. It’s getting tiring chasing it all now[/quote]
It's good that it's getting tiring, in a way. You have to realise that you are worthy and important. To yourself.

You clearly feel that you deserve to be happier than you are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. What makes your feelings less important than anyone else's? Why is respect for yourself less validating for you than someone else (appearing to) respect you?

prawncocktailpringles · 16/01/2021 21:48

I am in my 40s and single. The main reason I believe is that I spent most of my 20s and 30s chasing attention and love like you are doing. It is a cruel irony that those of us who are deprived of love when we are younger push people away or attract the wrong people. I strongly advise you to work on yourself (therapy, books, interests etc) now. Build your sense of self and self worth, learn to love yourself, keep your standards high. If you continue to centre others you may waste a lot of time grieving the wrong men and end up like me in 20 years. I like me now and am fine on my own but I wish I had got where I am now when i was your age.

Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 21:49

@Eckhart I feel invisible to everyone so I guess someone showing me love/attention makes me feel like I matter to somebody 😭 I want to feel whole and not need anyone to love me for validation but it’s just too hard.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 16/01/2021 21:51

PS If you are able to look after one, consider a pet

seensome · 16/01/2021 21:52

I think at your age especially, a lot of young men don't want to settle into a relationship and these other women they've left you for probably hasn't worked out very long with them either or you've been unlucky.
When starting a new relationship, you do need to keep yourself somewhat guarded until you can trust them, first signs of any red flags, bin them off before you get too attached, easier said than done I know!
At the end of the day, if they are not nice men then they've done you a favour, you don't need men like that, keep your head high and don't message them, they are not worthy of you!

Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 21:52

@prawncocktailpringles I’ve never not had a man by my side or just me entertaining one in the background. I want to spend this year focusing on myself but I get bored and lonely then I start contacting ex’s or hunting for a new love

OP posts:
tara66 · 16/01/2021 21:55

The first thing I thought was - only dogs give unconditional love.

Eckhart · 16/01/2021 21:56

[quote Tiyaddd]@Eckhart I feel invisible to everyone so I guess someone showing me love/attention makes me feel like I matter to somebody 😭 I want to feel whole and not need anyone to love me for validation but it’s just too hard.[/quote]
Do you matter to yourself?

BettyAndVeronica · 16/01/2021 21:58

Stop messaging exes. You're setting yourself up for repeated rejection.

And rejection hurts like a bitch.

Ohalrightthen · 16/01/2021 21:59

Therapy!

prawncocktailpringles · 16/01/2021 22:01

Yes, therapy (with the right therapist). Look into schema therapy

Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 22:02

@Eckhart I couldn’t answer that at this moment in time

OP posts:
Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 22:02

@prawncocktailpringles I’ll have a look thanks 😊

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 16/01/2021 22:07

I know what it feels like to need someone to fill the void and believe me I know it's hard. But in my experience the best things in life are hard or scary. Have you ever thought of travelling alone? Even just a day trip? It is so liberating. I used to take a gnome with me and photograph it in weird places (Amelie reference). There is nothing like experiencing a sunrise on your own. That is how I started to build a relationship with myself. Obviously you can't do it now but you could plan your trip.

heatered · 16/01/2021 22:17

You are 22! Still finding your feet in life and have not fully developed in many ways you just don't realise yet. So so much ahead of you. Find you. Be yourself and stand on your own 2 feet for a while, enjoy your independence and freedom. Live. You can find other ways to be wanted in life without all the complications of relationships. Learn to love you first, that can take time but will pay off in years to come. There will be someone somewhere who will fall in love with all of you, someone who appreciates and respects you, someone who will be with you for the right reasons, there's absolutely no rush for that to be today though. It takes time, luckily that is something you have a lot of.

Eckhart · 16/01/2021 22:17

[quote Tiyaddd]@Eckhart I couldn’t answer that at this moment in time[/quote]
But you have answered Smile

You do matter to yourself, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to find ways to make you feel better. You're trying to look after yourself. That's what you need to do. Your mechanisms are off, but the basis is there for a self respecting, self sufficient person.

What's wrong with a 'Fuck 'em, I'll go it alone!' attitude?

The only think that matters is that you recognise that you are amazing. Everybody is. Every individual has their own strengths and weaknesses, has had their own positive and negative experiences of the world, and, as a result, is completely unique. In the nicest possible way, there is nothing special about you. By that, I mean that there's no special decree that says you deserve less than anybody else, or are less important than anyone else, or that your feelings are less valid than anyone else. There's no rule to say that you should have less self respect than anyone else.

If you can't make yourself believe it, pretend for a bit. Fake it 'til you make it. Practice walking past the mirror and giving yourself a wink, doing an impression of a confident person, saying 'I totally rock.' Fix your posture when you walk down the street so you walk tall and proud. Do an impression, in your head, of a confident person you know (in real life, or on TV) Do their self talk in your head. It might not make you believe it, but it can give you a start in thinking differently.

The only thing wrong is that you think something's wrong, and that's because of your upbringing. It's not your fault. But it is your responsibility to fix. Your life is yours and you can do what the fuck you like, and you don't need anybody's approval or blessing. Approve of and bless yourself.

Tiyaddd · 16/01/2021 22:26

@Eckhart that really means a lot, thank you. I will try to take on board everything you’ve said xx

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2021 22:27

I don’t think it’s even about learning to like or love yourself as much as learning who you are and what you want, being happy within your own skin and not defining yourself by who you are to somebody else. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be whole and fulfilled. You don’t have to chase somebody else’s approval and love to be happy. I find it a little sad in a way that a 22-year-old seems to have been in several relationships and thinks that a short relationship ending is a “failure”. Sure, most people aspire to be in a relationship, and being loved is a great feeling - but not at the expense of your sense of self, which seems to be getting lost.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 16/01/2021 22:47

@prawncocktailpringles

I am in my 40s and single. The main reason I believe is that I spent most of my 20s and 30s chasing attention and love like you are doing. It is a cruel irony that those of us who are deprived of love when we are younger push people away or attract the wrong people. I strongly advise you to work on yourself (therapy, books, interests etc) now. Build your sense of self and self worth, learn to love yourself, keep your standards high. If you continue to centre others you may waste a lot of time grieving the wrong men and end up like me in 20 years. I like me now and am fine on my own but I wish I had got where I am now when i was your age.
I relate to this so much. Very disruptive and abusive childhood. I am only now straightening myself out from it emotionally in my late 30s. I did marry and have children but it did not end well, it was heartbreaking. I feel like I now have the emotional maturity, self-confidence and self-understanding that most people would at 22.

OP definitely heed these warnings and work on yourself before looking for a relationship. Seeking validation from others will lead you nowhere happy.

prawncocktailpringles · 16/01/2021 22:49

We don't live long enough!! I have learned so much in the last 10 years. Wish I could go back and mentor 22 year old me.

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