Row with DH because I’m lonely

[Still1nLove]

Bit of background, dh and I have been together for 21years, married for 18. 2 dd’s (8 & 14). Separated in 2016, always co-parented well. Rekindled our relationship this time last year. He moved in during the first lockdown, but not as a permanent thing, he maintained his bed sit.

We fell into traditional man/wife roles during the first lockdown as he continued to work and I only wfh two days a week. I was having regular meltdowns and he was great, looking back now I know I was drinking too much and it was affecting my mh.

The rest of the year was not too bad, until my work picked up a little (I’m a Childminder and work from home), the kids went back to school and life started to resemble normality.
For various reasons I didn’t like the way our relationship was going and December was awful, faults on both sides. What I found was that if I was at fault I apologised but, if he was at fault there was no apology forthcoming and when I tried to address it with him I got a lot of ‘whataboutisms’. ie: him “of course I’m sorry but what about that time you did......,”
We decided to draw a line under it all and start afresh for 2021!

Fast forward to today; he has been staying up later and later. He has to get up for work at 5.30am but stays up until 11.30 or midnight, so when he gets home from work he is so tired so just gets washed and changed, eats the dinner I cook, and then sits in the kitchen by himself all night.

I am thinking, what is in this relationship for me? Anyway, today I’m up at 8am, have coffee, relax, I can’t get washed and dressed because he is still asleep. Finally at midday I just sneak into the bedroom to get my clothes. I sort myself out abs go grocery shopping,
When I get back at 2.30, I am unpacking the shopping and when he asks me what’s wrong, I snap that I’m tired and hungry and lonely! I am obviously upset but he makes no effort to comfort me and when I ask him if he wants to come to walk the dog with me and dd, he says no as he works outside all week.

Anyway, he’s packed his bag and gone home saying he hasn’t done anything wrong and I shouldn’t have snapped at him. When I point out that I’m lonely and upset, he tells me that the whole world is lonely and I’m not alone!!!

I’m glad he’s gone tbh.

What are everyone’s thoughts please?

I think maybe there was a reason you decided to separate in the first place...
Maybe this has run its course. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, at an already difficult time x

I thought by the phrase "fresh start in 2021" you meant you decided to separate for good and move on with your lives - but I guess you meant you decided to keep going as a couple? That's the "fresh start"?

@mummyof2lou yes, I think it has run its course. It’s so difficult. Thank you for your kind words

@OldWomanSaysThis yes, the fresh start was meant to be us staying together but not arguing. Ooops! :/)

A fresh start in lockdown was always going to be testing though. It's testing on the strongest relationships

Sounds like you gave it your best shot and its just not going to work out. Too much history to keep going over.

So he won’t let go of past issues and uses those in order not to deal with the current situation? He won’t change. Is this why you originally separated? He just holds onto ancient history?

A year after we separated I went to see a counsellor, for issues not just relating to him, of course he came up. In one session I was, in a round about way, trying to figure out if we could make a go of it. The councillor said “ he hasn’t changed in 17years and you are here paying me so you can change to make it work” (or words to that effect)

Through counselling and working with a life coach type of person, I have realised when he is gaslighting me. In our last argument I asked him to listen to the language he used when we were trying to resolve our issues. I told him it was accusatory and he was deflecting. He lost it and wanted to know who I’ve been talking to! I was happy to point out that I have a mind of my own.

At the end of 2019 he has really sick for a few months, so I let him move in to recover. Then at the beginning of 2020 he said he had changed and wanted to try again.

He hasn’t! But I have. Time to move on

Thank you all for your replies