Hi,
I’m a fairly long time user of mumsnet but I’ve created a new account for this because it’s more personal than I’d usually post.
Just wondered if anyone had gone through similar to me and how to deal with it.
I was in a relationship for three years, it was medium distance (think 1.20 train plus a short walk), London to a midlands town. We saw each other in the week and usually on weekends. It worked well as we were both busy, but were in constant contact etc.
We had issues from the start of Dp being quite uncaring, quite different from the image he curated - we were friends first. Everyone seemed to come before me, there’d always be someone higher on the priority list. He struggled to share emotions, he struggled to tell me how he felt and was just very cold. It got better towards the end, minus the pandemic struggles, but then he just broke up with me out of the blue. I believe he loved me, he told me he did and we had a great time together, but the emotional issues were always present if that makes sense.
I tried to be patient and understanding as much as I could, but it did result in conflict and arguments when he did hurtful things (a noteable example was a lengthy list of why I was a bad person, hidden in the drawer with my clothes at his, which he said was an accident and said I’d basically read his diary.) he did try to do nice things but it always seemed hard won. We were together for three years.
When he broke up with me, he was absolutely distraught and wanted to try again, but changed his mind a week later. He was crying and throwing up, he apologised for the way he’d treated me. I’d never seen him cry before and I thought it might have woken him up a bit.
This was three months ago. After he broke up with me fully, he asked for space but said we could have a final conversation about why this happened. I accepted and left him pretty much alone for two weeks, before going back and asking for the conversation.
He claimed we’d had it, and I’d forgotten, but he’d do me the favour of going through it again. I said I was sure we hadn’t but accepted it might have been lost in the emotion of the moment. I asked if he’d go through it again with me and he wouldn’t, claiming I was “too emotional and not calm”.
I had to message him about something else a few weeks later and asked again if we could talk. He said no, it wouldn’t help him and that it was unhealthy to keep opening the wound (I agree but I don’t have any closure). He then said he would do it, but not yet. At this point I said it wasn’t going to be helpful for me and that I’d leave him alone as he requested. I asked if we should block each other for a bit to stop temptation but he said no, in case there was an emergency (?).
The closest to an answer I have is that “it didn’t feel right”. I know that can be a reason in itself but the whole conversations around it have suggested there’s another reason, which I don’t know and he hasn’t told me.
He’s acting very very closed and talking to me like I’ve been abusive to him, which is really worrying and hurtful. I’ve really tried to stick to his boundaries and give him space, and remain calm throughout. I need closure but I’m scared to ask again in case it’s hurting him.
Does anyone have any wisdom? Thank you and sorry for the essay!