Suggestions please - relationship between DH and mother is dreadful

[workingmummy]

Not very hopeful that there are any easy solutions to this one... but the relationship between DH and my mother has always been tense and now it's just about hit rock bottom.
DH is quite highly strung, also has bipolar and the medication can make him very grumpy at times. We get through these times and actually have a very close and loving relationship although when he is not well we do have some very big rows (no violence).
My mother and I are quite close and she had a disastrous violent marriage which has left her seriously scarred. The problem is that when DH is stressed about anything he can address me quite sharply - raised voice, telling me not to nag etc. I let this go (maybe I am nagging, and I know it will pass). But when he does this in front of my mother she always reacts to "defend" me and the two of them end up having a shouting match. This happened yesterday in front of SIL and DS - eventually I told them both that they had to shut up as it was upsetting me - told Mum she could not see the whole relationhip and should not judge on just these comments, told DH he should not make others hear him speaking to me in that way.
Now Mum is saying she has made a huge mistake in moving to be near us (she moved 6 months ago and I'm very dependent on her help with childcare for DS and 7 months' pg with DD)that "I need to do something about this" and shouldn't put her through hearing him speak to me like this. This is not the first such incident but I think things have come to a head now.
Sorry to go on for so long but I don't know who's in the right any more...

Oh WM - it must be so stressful for you - not what you need when 7 mo PG! (And you should probably remind them of that fact!)
It's not about who is in the right - it is just a lot more understanding of each other required.
Is there any info about dh's medication or bipolar that your Mum could read to help explain? Hopefully someone who knows more about it can come on with some better info.
For now maybe better to keep them apart as much as possible. Does dh apologise after the outbursts? Does he know about your Mum's previous marriage so he can appreciate why she is like that?

Hi wm. I have very little advice but wanted to come over anyway
It sounds like a terribly difficult and fraught situation. Of course, you are stuck in the middle. Quite the worst place to be
Maybe you could give it a couple of days and then go and see your mum and explain some of what you've said here? She must see him being lovely to you as well? Maybe point this out. No relationship is 100% great and when family are close by and very involved they tend to see more of the realtionship than they should. As you said though your mum doesn't know the whole rlationship
Love to you, your dh and your mum. Hope it gets better for you all very soon

who's in the right? By the sounds of it neither of them. They both have their reasons for acting as they do but both seem to need to learn tolerance for the other's feelings adn behaviour.

Speak to your mother and tell her how much you love having her living near to you (not just the childcare) and how you don't wish to hurt her. But that she needs to let up on your dh (interspersed with 'obviously I know you are only doing this cos you care so much about me' etc etc).

Then you need to talk to your dh about how she is your mother and only wishes to protect you as he would do with his own children. You know it is hard for him, but if he could please try to bite his tongue, for your sake. If he manages that at all, praise him (go over the top).

Patronise the both of them.

Sympathies - I keep my dp and mum apart now, though the problems weren't as bad.

would your dh agree to you coming up with a tactic/code whereby you can let him know he is speaking to you in that way - you say the code and he has agreed to go out for 10 minutes - go make a drin for himself whatever?

I think you need to explain to your Mum that you understand where she is coming from but she is not to interfere on these occasions and yes explain to her that it is part of his medical problem and the arguements just prolong everything and make it worse etc.

Sounds horrid!

Thanks for these messages and ideas - and so quickly!! I will definitely try to talk to them both again when I am feeling a little less emotional about it all myself. The thing I find difficult is that they are both so absolutely convinced they are in the right - but you're right ArmadilloDaMan, neither of them can be - it's just not necessary for either of them to react in that way. I just have to find a more tactful way of putting it to convince each of them I am not taking the other party's side...

I think you need to make your mum understand that your marriage is not like hers was and your dh not violent. And by the same token make your DH that your mum is reacting because of what happened to her.

As others as said give her some infomation on bipolar and the medication your dh is on, so she can learn to understand why your dh behaves this way.

I think cargirl is right you do need to come up with a code word. Does your DH know how is speaking to you before you point it out, it may be he has know idea he is doing it until it is to late.

I guess your mum has a problem with seeing him being disrespectful to you her daughter. Really though she should talk about it privately with you saying that you don't deserve to be talked to like that, not try to get involved and defend you which is likely to only make things worse. If she really can't stand being a witness to it then it is fair enough for her to absent herself from the situation.

To be honest, a man who tells a woman she is nagging is probably 99 times out of a 100 bang out of order. It's a really sexist attitude that a woman voicing a negative feeling ought to keep quiet. I can't believe it's a stereotype still being used in the 21st century.