Can someone please help me - 2

[opentehgardengate]

Hello is anyone there to chat please?

Had a thread few days ago under same name.

The pain in my stomach is unbearable. He's text me to say he's coming back. Now it suits him.

Anxiety has gone sky high. Not because I'm scared or anything but because I'm broken and he does exactly what he likes. He has no emotions. He definitely has a personality disorder.

No word to check I'm okay from the family member either. Big thing for me to speak out and now I'm thinking I shouldn't have and am tearing myself up with that. Whether they care or not I don't think I can pretend anymore though

Day will be ruined for my kids with more of his shit and damage to their wellbeing.

I hate labels but have been advised this week that he very likely has a narcissist personality so he'll spend hours giving the sob story and saying he wants things to be different and then doing absolutely nothing. the patterns are more complex than that but it's basically so damaging to everyone around him.

Any words of advice greatly appreciated. Still in bed and want to stay here.

Just bumping so stays current. Thanks

X

X

Hi - I don’t know about your old thread, but I’m sorry you are going through this. If he has repeated behaviour, stay strong- don’t fall for the sob story. I find it easier to detach.

OP you're in a very difficult situation and it's a huge thing that you're still reaching out for help - so keep doing that.

For today maybe find ways to keep away from your H when he returns home. If you have to listen to him wallow (I know that narcissists can be unrelenting in their need for your attention so you may not be able to physically remove yourself) take yourself away mentally - imagine a favourite place and disengage as much as you can while remaining safe.

Slightly longer term, try to start small steps to extricate yourself. It could just be that you let yourself consider the possibility that you can leave. At the moment you seem so sure you can't. But could you explore some options gently over the next few days and weeks. A check on the UC calculator to work out what money would look like. A call to Women's Aid or the domestic violence helpline and checking on other more local services for women.

Start tiny steps to imagine a different life. And forgive yourself when you can't do that.

I hate to say it but regarding your family member, they may not be equipped to help you. Have you got anyone else? Maybe a friend or relative you've lost touch with but who would be supportive?

Last but vital point from me - is there a direct threat or risk of violence when your H returns? If there is, then it's a different plan which should involve the police.

Thank you both. Really need to know someone is there.

No threat of violence.

He's here in about 20 minutes I think.

Detaching is best but he will say things in front of children and then if I stay silent, I feel I'm showing them a really dysfunctional way to behave. If I engage (and he drags them into the conversation too) it's more mental turmoil and I don't think I'm being dramatic to say, torture for me/us.

It's all so unfair. So trapped.

I'll go out for a walk at least to reduce time around him. Thanks for advising to try to keep away from him.

I don't think there's anyone else to lean on a bit. I keeping thinking over and over.
Loathe to burden anyone with this mess and also scared as have 'reached out' to 2 friends and family member and not received support. This starts the cycle of self hatred and thinking 'it's me' and I'd be better not here. What a mess eh!

I'm not giving up though, I'm still thinking of who I can confide in.

It is horrible, but keep going. You are not being weak by detaching and not reacting to his baiting. You are doing what is best for you and your kids.

How are you doing @opentehgardengate? Hope you're ok

Sorry my post didn't post until you had already been back! Thinking of you

How are you x