parents...on the verge of a nervous breakdown..

[HairyIrene]

with mine, MY parents

they are not talking
this is common

they are clearly not happy with each other, my dad IS difficult moody up and down to live with i know, left home at 17!
mum could go in the huff olympics.

she is not happy, i suspect he is not too. he cant be.

anyone had anything similar?
did you advise
leave well alone?

i have to call them separatley, he pretends its okay, she not and i, well, its difficult to hear some of it, i do love him, he is my dad and its difficult to reminder her that she is not easiest person to live with either..

we live at other ends of coutnry, vistiting them this christmas, and it will be okay as they adore ds etc
but after we've gone
there is so much put on this

i have useless self absorbed estranged sister in ny who does not talk to me, my bro is local to them but very wrapped up in new girl and not really 'there'..though he was the golden balls of family growing up

its just down to me
and i dont know what to do, if anything..

any wise words?

Hmmm, I once tried to intervene with my parents, got them both together, with my sister there, and said that I didn't like how they were treating each other, and they had to change.

I cried a lot, they both were huffy. I suggested (and offered to pay for) marital counselling.

Things did improve, maybe they realised their behaviour hurt other people? Maybe things would have improved anyway.

It felt good to confront them, though, despite the crying.

You have my sympathy, it's a crappy situation.

Last time I tried to intervene with my parents' relationship, they both tore strips off my then split up anyway.

nyc
interesting idea
but

they behave fine with other people

when i call, and its dad, everything okay..quick chat, light hearted etc

mum, well when the mortgage is paid off next year..i cant take this..he is so rude to me...
shit, on and on

i know they do separate rooms etc but have to shuffle in together when we come

my brother and sister are useless really
lots of relationship problems

(my dad was drinker in our young days my mum was a alcoholics wife imho..)
he stopped when i was 12, but all too late sort of ..

argghhhh..

ever heard that song by the butthole surfers?
my dads a drunk my moms a schizo?
..well i knew i wasnt alone when i heard that

crappy situ uber alles!!

yeh intervention aint the way i feel

just light encouragement to , er, be happy?

i say to my mum you have the right to be happy, want to come home
but i see it as everyones right, including dad

he said one to me, if anything happens to your mother, i'm off to malta..
he was based there like 40 odd years

they could both be happy, separately but there is no communication

leave well alone? what you think?

anyone?

I'm coming to it from the perspective of parents who have been separated for about 14 years now (though not divorced). I have found that if you start to get involved there can be a tendency where you end up taking sides, which makes life very difficult.

I have a rule now that I will not be piggy in the middle. Mum asks me not to tell Dad what she is up to. I stick to this unless something that I am doing with her ie looking after her when in hospital leads to having to change arrangements with him.

Personally I would be hugely wary of saying anything to either of them in your position but I guess it really depends on your family dynamics.

My mum & dad were like that too. All the time we were growing up. I would go to sleep with a pillow over my head.

Dad used to not come home from work. He went missing once for 2 days & when my mam found out he was at a friends house I called the house & asked to speak to dad. I forgot to withold my number & when the friend told me dad wasn't there I called him a liar & said he was helping dad wreck our family.

In 2 minutes my phone rang & it was dad calling from friends house.. so friend had lied! Dad called me a nosey bitch & said I should stop iterfering in something that was none of my business.

Their marriage didn't last long after that.

He blamed her on spending all her time on us kids growing up & having no time for him. She blamed him for spending all his time in the pub, leaving her with no alternative but to concentrate on the kids.

If I were you I would leave well alone. Tell your mam you don't want to hear about it when she starts talking about your dad, I had to do that in the end.

Say you have your own family to concentrate on. Your parents are adults now & it's not your job to sort out their rows.

Mine have lived apart for 6 years now!

i think so too chocolate teapot

have feelins for both of course

but if they are not talking, what is she gonna do?
just leave after mortgage
is it just cop out or elder version of 'wait til kids grow up'

the things she has told me would make hair stand on end, about when we were kids and i dont like it really
it was sad childhood really,
but good cause am determind ds will have uber happy one if i have anything to do with it..

its just doing my nut in
they never call me now

and its the tone of things..
just reminds me of living at home which induces tight knots me stomach

thanks for replies, ladeez..

firefly2
i know i could wait to grow up and out of it all
being trapped in other peopels stress...

i just dont know why she stuck it..
and my dads jekyll hide personality was enough for grounds for divorce, never mind the lack of readies and the drinking, relentless!!

he is retired does fuck all, N O T H I N G
waiting for godot fuck all
she works part time

and they are getting on
its just a waste

my mum had hard life, orphan at 7, her sisters looked after her..it was shit i think...
i just want them to both be a bit happy

aorry, need a rant, as they say!....

Of course you want them to be happy. They want you to be happy too. I bet they'd be affronted if they knew you sit & worry about them all the time

But ime you have to stay out of it. Let them get on with it.

my parents finally split up this year after nearly 30 years of marriage, most of those miserable. I spent a long time when I reached adulthood trying to counsel them both and support them both. It was exhausting and it didn't achieve anything.

I know it's hard, but you have to leave them to it. They're adults like you, if they can't get it together to work out what's right for them both, then neither will you be able to.

In my case it was my dad who always used to complain about mum. Mum was quite strict about not slagging dad off (despite the fact that he is and was a total arsehole - an emotionally abusive, controlling drunk, basically) but was clearly unhappy. I found that telephone conversations with either of them would leave me feeling really depressed and hopeless, and consequently rarely got in touch of my own accord. So if I could give you any advice, it would be to try not to take on their problems and unhappiness. You love your parents of course but they're not your responsibility. They've got to sort this out themselves.

firefairyfly2
i will, dont really have inclination to poke nose in but it does get ya down!

lazyemma
you sum up alot of it, not wanting to phone, hear bad things etc

i can see inevitably they will have to talk or nothing will change, either that or it will be a knife in the neck by one of them
they watch too much csi anyhow
i can taste the tension when i call, andlike you say, you dont feel like doing it much after a while

its like a bleedin seesaw.. with parents..

the fecking drink
eh

this sort of stress would drive ya to it!

feel so guilty
but just dont want to call them anymore ..