Why does this still scare me?

[HereIAmOnceAgain]

I've never been scared DH will hurt me physically. He's snappy post DC3 and gets impatient and angry easily. Lots of mornings especially walking on eggshells.

I have a disabling chronic illness and no matter how bad it is he still won't do the smallest thing he's decided isn't his job. He does very little around the house but is convinced he does too much.

2 years ago there was a period of 6 months where he was getting really angry over little things, but since then just the moody cantankerous behavior, so not escalating. There was one occasion where he lost it. He was really angry, kicking toys (not at anyone just across the room) and screaming about how unfair it was he had to do everything around here. I froze. He was intensely angry, the look on his face was scary. DC were in the room, terrified. It was only a split second freeze and when I saw them I told him to get out. He slammed the door open so hard he damaged the wall and stormed off. I meant out of the house but he didn't go far. I comforted DC then went to speak to him.
Of course it was all my fault. He was sorry, but....

I am working on LTB, SEN kids, how sick I am is all a bit complex. I don't want to move past this in the sense of letting him back in. But I'd like to not feel sick with anxiety about it 18 months later. It feels like this massive over reaction, things aren't escalating and I'm not scared he'll hurt me physically, so why am I still so scared by this? Would appreciate it if anyone can shed some light.

Shameless bump. Im feeling so overwhelmed and sad right now. I keep thinking it'd not that bad and I'm over reacting.

Because your brain is trying to rule your instincts. Your body isn't convinced that he won't hurt you. Listen to it.

I think it's also worth bearing in mind that hurt can mean different things, damage to trust, physical damage, emotional damage, spiritual damage, damage to feelings of safety, the loss of what we hoped for or what we need. Physical hurt isn't necessarily the worst way to suffer.

Because your brain is trying to rule your instincts. Your body isn't convinced that he won't hurt you. Listen to it

This ^

He was out of control and terrifying. He could get that way again.

Your body is trying to tell you to get yourself and your dc out.

Because that display of hostility and aggression was designed to do just what it has done. Kept you on edge and scared, at some level, ever since. "Kept you in your place", if you will. I can see it's hard but I think the only answer is to remove yourself from the aggressor. It sounds really shit and you deserve much, much better.

Any chance he’s taking drugs? I had a partner once who was secretly taking cocaine, no children involved and it didn’t last long but the sudden angry outbursts etc were common.

Also it’s completely natural to feel scared, I think deep down you know there’s a high possibility of it escalating and obviously that worries you. Glad to hear your working on LTB. 💐

I don't think I'm scared of anything physical happening. I know he can hurt me mentally, emotionally. I'm afraid of taking anymore of that kind of damage. He came really close to breaking my mind, I was only able to step back from the edge because of our boys. Disengage a bit because I know how much they need me and if it's a choice between my kids and him, my kids are my choice every time. He'll never do all the therapy or be the support they need with SN.

I feel completely worthless. He twists everything, and I end up feeling to blame and like its all my fault for not being a better wife. We're currently more like a uneasy house share, no relationship anymore. No sex, I stopped that when I couldn't take how worthless and used it was making me feel. There's been nothing big for so long it feels a bit surreal not to be over it. I did tell DH I felt anxious around him because of the way he'd been behaving, no apology, it became how awful I was to say that to him.

Unfortunately when we separate we're going to be under one roof till the house sells unless he chooses to move out. We don't have coercive control laws here, nothing he's done gives me a legal right to kick him out. I don't think he'll be reasonable about it he never has before. But I can't move out, I'm too sick to work and I won't qualify for benefits if I move out because then the house becomes an asset.

What I really don't get is why. All the things he said he wanted, all those things he was angry about getting like more sex and more support he could have gotten those easily by just making a fairer contribution at home and not being a snappy angry jerk and taking his stress out on me. Why is this situation where we are living together, but apart better? Why is it worth it to him? Why did it mostly stop when I gave up trying to get him to contribute at home even though we haven't had sex or shared a bed, or spent any real kid free time together since. It makes no sense to me. We could have a great loving family and all he had to do was behave like a loving caring partner and father.

Op have you read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft? There is a free version online if you look for it. It's quite eye opening.

The short answer is he probably doesn't think he should have to do any of those things, things that will inconvenience him, things that require effort and a willingness to be equal partners. The ideal relationship for some people is not based on sharing, it's based on what they expect you to do for them. They are not generous in their relationships and can't be trusted with your emotions and feelings because theirs are always more important.

I cried and cried when I left my ex because the simplest solution was for him to hear me but he never even tried. Eventually I completely shut down until it was a case of dying in that relationship or breaking up. I chose to live.

Cold, dead eyes, angry but not quite connected with planet Earth? The look my husband had, once when he beat me and again when he tried to kill me. If it's that, you are right to be scared. I'm sorry. Get out when you can. First opportunity.

And I thought only two days ago, 35 years after we split up 'If he'd just been decent we could have had a good life together'. I was puzzled, too.

Then, I read about psychopaths.

Not cold dead eyes, just the intensity, how angry he was. If he'd realised it was an issue and worked on it, I could have seen us recovering from it. But it was, 'sorry,' a pause, then he started talking about how it was all my fault he did it because he wasn't getting what he needed from our relationship, he even said he saw no problem with his behaviour and he'd do it again if he wanted too.

I've read bits of why does he do that. It feels so extreme to call this abuse when so many women get treated so much worse. And I truly mean it I can't see him ever being physically violent. I'm not scared of physical hurt, I'm scared of more hurt to my psyche.

I don't know if it's possible to pm but I know exactly what you're going through as I'm pretty much there too. Feel free to contact me

My ex never hit me. I went to a group for victims of domestic abuse and every single one said that emotional and mental abuse was worse. Your body heals but it's your mind that is broken.

You're not happy with him. Is that going to change if he isn't willing to change? What control do you have over this situation?

It's hard not to listen to the guilt and the if onlys. I can't feel any certainty about what his behaviour is. It feels like my fault, if only I wasn't sick, if only I'd tried harder, if only I'd found the right words. But I know whatever I feel I don't want a real relationship with him ever again, not sex or intimacy, or talking about more than superficials.

Right now I'm getting supports in place for our boys. I've been through a lot of what happened with our eldest psychologist. He's still really struggling to trust DH. I've worked out a plan with his psychologist, but it means I've got 6 more months of limbo to get through before I can say anything to DH.

I feel like I'm abandoning my boys to cope alone. I'm planning to leave because I can't cope with DH behaviour, but my boys are still going to have to cope with him and it'll be without me there as a buffer. It feels wrong.

I remember this phase, it was gut wrenching but it made it much easier to leave and not go back. Just holding on to hope that I would get out but feeling powerless to act.

Your boys will learn that you don't have to put up with awful behaviour, that it's ok to look out for yourself. If you leave you will be creating a safe space, that's invaluable. When they are old enough they can make their own decisions about having a relationship with him and they will have seen your example that they needn't stay in one if they don't want to.

I read a post on here this morning and it reminded me of another little incident I'd forgotten. Our bathroom door jammed, with me and toddler inside. And instead of helping us get out DH just kept demanding I open the door. It took a couple of minutes then he shoved past me to get into the bathroom. I feel so broken, mind broken, heart broken, struggling in pain. Silently crying while driving the boys to swimming lessons this morning. It hurts so much.

My heart breaks for you, he sounds horrendous! Please don’t leave your sons with him for them to deal with . 🍀

Your situation sounds identical to mine. I ended our relationship last July and I'm still trying to leave.
I'm ill at the moment so can't for a while, but I have to for my sanity.
Are you in the UK? Can you talk to Women's Aid?

I won't be leaving them with him. I was referring to the fact that he'll end up with more custody than I'm comfortable with. 50/50 is the default where I live and he's done nothing that will change that. I know what our laws are here and nothing he's done will count against him for shared parenting in a court.

I feel like I'd be abandoning them to cope on their own for the times he has them because I won't be there as a buffer. There's no magical happy ending where they only see him one or two nights EOW. What there will be is them spending far too big a chunk of their lives with him on their own. That's why I'm trying to get supports in place for them, that's why I'm still here even though it's tearing me apart.

There must be some kind of support to protect your and your children. What country are you in?

Not for this kind of thing. I've spoken to my gp and the 2 psychologists my boys see, my kids school teachers, a lawyer. It doesn't meet the the standard for report. There is a DV hotline, I'm waiting for counselling. He'd have to be directly violent against the kids. I know someone whose Ex tried to strangle her and he still got overnights with his kid, because the violence had never been directed at the child. It is what it is unfortunately. We'll find a way through.

I remember your thread FMLRN. I hope you don't have to stay much longer. Planning 6 months here, trying to get DH on the course eldest psychologist in running under the guise of supporting him through it. We have a plan. I won't let my boys fall through the cracks.

I hope your plan works out, stick at it and don't let him win!