I can't stand stubbornness

[autumnalrain]

Just wanted to rant about my sister and ask advice on how to deal with people like this because I'm having trouble getting through. We have been temporarily living together for the past couple months whilst she waits to close on her new home. I know this sounds childish, but its honestly so deflating trying to reason with someone who is stubborn and refuses to take the blame for anything!!

Scenario 1: She offered to cook dinner last night and I told her theres some chicken in the freezer that needs defrosting. Come dinner time and I saw her serving up rice and lentils and I ask wheres the chicken. She says she 'forgot' to defrost it. This is not the first time its happened so I told her that I don't appreciate that I have to be the one who prompts her to do things (she's older than me!!). Her responsive is that I have more time to think because I've recently been put on furlough. After this she refused to talk about it anymore as she claimed I'm creating an argument 'out of nothing'.

Scenario 2: I ask her if she can take the christmas tree down (for the third time) as I was the one who put it up. She told me to 'not start' as she wanted to enjoy her breakfast. I decided to leave it because I know I'd be accused of starting an argument.

Scenario 3: (sorry this is TMI) but we have been having issues with our bathroom upstairs, it doesn't flush poo down. So I told her to use the downstairs loo for that from now on. Over the past 4 months I have walked into the upstairs bathroom and her poo is unflushed. I understandably get annoyed because its gross, and her excuse is that the downstairs toilet is too cold. I told her thats a selfish mentality and you guessed it... I'm 'starting an argument' and she refuses to talk about it anymore.

However, this time I stood my ground as this was the third time in 24 hours that she tried to dismiss me. She does this thing where she will just go silent and not respond to what I'm saying, and I'm obviously annoyed and want a response. So I was looking in her direction and she told me to 'stop staring at her with my bug eyes'. This is not the first time she has commented on my eyes, she always teases me for it. But this time I told her that she is mean and she takes low blows and that I never pick on someones physical appearance in an argument even if its a joke and she has the audacity to turn it around on me and say that if I wasn't staring at her she wouldn't have said it. I was shocked that she blamed me for picking on my physical appearance and I said that she's so stubborn and can't just take accountability or say sorry and she said 'neither do you'. Which is not true and she knows it so I asked for an example and she couldn't give one. I ended the argument saying that I find it hurtful and all I want is an apology and she said I should apologise to her for starting on her for the toilet issue.

I'm at a loss. Does anybody have experience trying to get through to someone who responds to arguments this way? Her default mechanism is to deflect the blame onto me. It's like accepting the blame or taking accountability is physically impossible for her. How do you get through to stubborn people? Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm 29 she's 32 despite sounding like teenagers in this post!

Is it your house she's staying in? She sounds very rude! (Apart from the chicken... If she's cooking she gets to decide what).

I mean this is why sisters don't tend to live together as adults.

People like your sister will never change, so I wouldn't even bother trying to reason with her. Tell her she has overstayed her welcome and it's time for her to go.

@theplantsitter yes it's my house. I completely agree this is why we shouldn't live together but this type of stuff went on before she moved in. Its very difficult trying to communicate with stubborn people so even if she moves out (in 2 months), I was hoping to get advice on how to get through to someone who hates blame of any kind

Chicken? Not a big deal. I forget to defrost things and then I'm left trying to be 'creative' with dinner. It happens.
The Christmas tree is a bit petty. I mean, why don't both of you just put some music on, have a chat, and take the tree down. Many hands make light work and all of that.
But the poo! Well, she's lost all of my support there. That's just gross. Put a note on the toilet!

This reminds me of my sister and the reason we barely speak.
You have my sympathy.

She is who she is, op, you can only change your reactions to her,
she ain't never gonna change you can bank on that.

@thevanguardsix thanks for being diplomatic. Perhaps I should have let the tree and chicken thing go. I guess my frustration had just bubbled up to that point. But as for poo gate, I'm not standing down.

@MargeProopsSpecs speaks wisely. You can't change your sister, or "get through" to her. You can only control the way you react.

She'll move out soon. And in years to come you'll be grateful you have a sister, trust me. Get your om on

Also, in my experience, people who complain about other people being "stubborn" tend to be quite stubborn themselves. Just sayin'

Scenario 1 - I don't understand what your problem is? She just forgot
Scenario 2 - it's never a good idea to tell people what their chores are while they're eating a meal really, pick a better time
Scenario 3 - yes, I am horrified at your sister here, you are definitely in the right

Well, example one and two I was on her side - she forgot the chicken, so made an alternative meal. Doesn't seem like such a big deal. The Christmas tree is annoying but ultimately, it's clear you think that your decisions re who does what are the only ones and she obviously doesn't agree.

But the bathroom is a whole different level and is totally unacceptable. I don't actually know how you manage that. How immature do you have to be to not realise you can't use a toilet that isn't flushing (why aren't you getting it fixed?)

@MargeProopsSpecs thanks for this, I am going to tailor my response. Otherwise I'm going to be the one in a perpetual bad mood and thats no way to live. I do love my sister but I love her more when we are not under the same roof!

@HelloThereMeHearties you're right. We are probably just stubborn in different ways. I hold my ground by wanting answers and an apology, and she holds hers by not giving me one. I never thought about it that way, you've definitely opened my eyes in that respect.

@BlingLoving Its a water pressure issue so it does flush but only on the third or fourth try. I have told my landlord but he claims he can't get hold of a plumber because of covid shortages. Total BS, don't get me started!

Yeah 1 and 2 are really completely avoidable and in her shoes I'd have been annoyed with you about 1. But the poo!

How is she getting rid of her poos then? Are you shouting her "Doris, you've crapped in the upstairs toilet again, come and fish it out please!" and then she has to, what, fish it out with rubber gloves and bring it downstairs?

Or is it just low water pressure and it needs 2-3 flushes to get rid of poos, and she's not hanging around to get rid of them properly? In that case I'd go with saying (in front of the entire household) "Doris, you've left a floater in the toilet again, go and flush it properly please!" Should have the mucky oik changing her ways :D

(Also if that toilet is particularly problematic, make sure some "helpful" soul hasn't put a brick in the toilet tank to "save water"...)

Cross post. I'd recommend looking for a plumber on MyBuilder and get someone to give you a quote, then go back to the landlord with that. Some landlords are bloody useless with maintenance issues, and while you should get speedy and free repairs, I've been reduced in my current rental to getting stuff fixed myself rather than waiting months for the landlord to send round an unqualified family member to bodge it

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation this made me laugh! its a low pressure situation that takes 3-4 flushes and she decides to go about her day after the second flush and leaves the floater!

1&2 - if my sister ‘told’ me what to do, I too would respond negatively. You sound a bit insufferable.

1. Fair point. She’s being an arse about this but probably in response to points 1&2.

The poo is gross but other than that you sound as stubborn and controlling as each other. It's the reason I couldn't live with my sister. You regress to name calling teenagers! Time for her to go so you can both be happier.

@HelloThereMeHearties you're right. We are probably just stubborn in different ways. I hold my ground by wanting answers and an apology, and she holds hers by not giving me one. I never thought about it that way, you've definitely opened my eyes in that respect

There's also a family dynamic going on here. As you acknowledge, you are butting heads, and that's the way it always happens. Now you've seen it, you can change it!

She isn't just being selfish with the loo thing. She's passively aggressively reacting to her younger sister ordering her about. She may also be feeling defensive about having to rely on you atm, as well.

So there's a bit more going on here. Have a think about it. And remember - once she moves out, a lot of the pressure will go. But you can still help your relationship with her going forward.

The toilet issue is easily fixed, you just need to lift the the cistern cover and adjust your float valve! Make it a bit higher to get more water in your cistern giving you a more adequate flush.

If she’s a pita, tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live. Do you have other family? I’m afraid if someone was that painful I’d tell her to piss off, given I’m doing her a favour.