Insomnia - anxiety, grief, overwhelmed

[Lolailo]

My memory is not working, my brain is shut off.

After 3 years of continuous litigation I am emotionally and financially drained. The moment XH was waiting for the final blow: an application for full custody, my time with DC reduced to less than addicts/criminals (I am neither).

He is a narcissist and since repartnering he has discarded all his past live, including his family and friends. I am the last rock in his shoe. He makes $$$ and so does the girlfriend (I.e. bought house without needing a mortgage).

I am a single mom, would be doing fine without all lawyers I have had to pay. Now, facing trial I can't afford one and I am floored. My trial is scheduled to last 3.5 weeks. I swear we are not celebrities, just lots of witnesses.

I know nothing about law, this is not even my home country, English is my second language and I am awful at public speaking. How am I going to self represent against a very aggressive top super expensive 30-years experience lawyer for 3 weeks if I don't even know what forms I need to fill, only that the first one is due in two weeks (no idea how to fill it out).

I don't qualify for legal aid, I am also not in the UK. I don't know what practical advice I can get but I need a handhold. I can't sleep. I am super tired but I can't. I am trying to breath, my chest is heavy, and I break down a few times a day. But I can't. I need to keep my job to keep a roof, and I have two little DC (one SN) at home doing online learning.

My ex PIL advice is to give in to XH's demand as "children grow up fast and decide where they want to live" and "some parent travel a lot for work and don't see their DC everyday". I didn't sign for half time but I accepted it is what divorce brings (divorce started by XH after cheating with my best friend so it really sucked but it is what it ks) but been an "access parent"? How can I accept that without putting up a fight? I know where they are coming from. Lawyer fees are $300-400k. I won't spend that because I don't have it, but if I lost, I would have to pay for XH's cost and would go bankrupt (problem been I have a house, with a mortgage, that I would need to sell, and rent would cost me more than I pay for mortgage). In my city, a 3 bedroom is around $3,500/month. I even doubt I could rent a 2 bedrooms with one salary. And no, I don't qualify for any help. Too rich for social assistance, too poor for living costs.

Rambling, all over the place... I know. But I can't sleep and this helped to release some heaviness

I'm sorry, that all sounds really difficult.

So your ex is looking for a 50/50 residency agreement? I don't know what the norm is where you are, but I would generally consider that a usual arrangement for most divorced families.

You mentioned a "trial" - do you mean a hearing? Are you representing yourself or do you have legal representation?

Thank you for your reply @EvenMoreFuriousVexation.

No, we have had 50/50 decision making for 5 years and I was the residential parent for the first 3.5 years because we separated with a newborn. Since the beginning our agreement was to increase access to get to 50/50 at school age, that we have has for 1.5 years now. He is asking for sole custody and me been an "access parent".

I am not in the UK. Where I am, a trial is the last step in court, where a judge makes a final order. I do have a lawyer but cant afford his retainer so he is not doing any work. From here, I will need to self represent because I don't have the funds to pay for legal representation.