Feeling pretty low right now

[mariana]

Sorry but this is along one... I can't sleep. I found out yesterday my husband has been having a texting affair with someone abroad for some time. I just didn't expect this. When confronted he told me he joined a website to see if other people would fancy him and after several girls wanting money for sex he developed a relationship with one, messaging and sending saucy photos, they've spoken on the phone and he's sent her money through amazon vouchers. He also when to meet a prostitute but said he couldn't go through with it. He swears nothing physical has happened. I'm confused and hurt. He's not an easy person to live, he doesn't work much and he had a serious weed addiction up until a few months ago where he was constantly angry but he gave up and I thought things would improve but he's been really depressed for a while now. He says these messages just made him feel good. I feel deeply hurt, I thought this was the one thing he would never do. The lady looks similar to me but prettier I think, I think he still has feelings for her. He said to me he loves me but not the way he should. I still love him but I don't really know why. We have two children 12 and 6 and a house, and have been together for about 15 years, I work hard and he never has. I brought all the childrens Xmas presents this year and had to pretty much beg him to help me out. He's never been a great dad or husband really, shouting and swearing all the time, and he never wants to go out with us or do anything social. When it's good it's really good, family days out I mean, but they haven't been all that often if I'm honest and he's been saying he might move out for a while even before I found these messages as he hasn't been happy and doesn't want to hurt us anymore. But he has kept saying he's confused and will try harder. What's more I have a job interview Monday for a promotion. This will give me greater independence but I just feel I can't cope. We slept in the same bed last night but it wasn't the same, he held back, we've always had a good sex live apart from being tired and not finding the time. I've just woken up and I can't stop thinking about this other girl, feelings of inadequacy and how I'm not pretty enough for him. I'm just so unbearable hurt and upset right now I can't see a way out. I thought I've always been there for him, apart from demanding that he gives up smoking, for the sake of the kids, his mental health and the money! I guess I'm looking for some impartial support. I've spoke to my brother alot since yesterday and he's been so lovely, he doesn't much like my husband but he understands that I'm emotionally in a bit of a trap I guess. Yesterday I slept for all of two hours and felt so sick in the morning. He said he would be there for me to get me through this interview. My anxiety is getting the better of me I just feel so crap. Today I'm taking my daughter horse riding (I loan a horse, which isn't helping!) as she was feeling really low last night too. I just don't know how I can't get through this. I guess I really want him to want me but I'm not sure he does anymore. I don't want to be alone.

This is all very raw and fresh at the moment OP. Give yourself some time to process. It isn't about you - your DP is looking for an easy, cheap thrill, and thinks he's found it with this stranger. If it's a transactional relationship then he's deluding himself though, isn't he. Try and point that out to him. She's only interested in financial gain and will tell him what he wants to hear to get it. Is he sure it's even the girl in the photo talking in the phone? Or someone less desirable? You could do a reverse image search to see if he's being catfished, and, if so, the scam will only get bigger and more costly.

I don't buy his denial about the sex worker - unless he has ED issues. Take a deep breath. Bide your time, but don't make this about you. You may have neglected part of your relationship, for good reason, but he's gone too far. Please feel reassured he is being duped.

Thank you. Much appreciated. I will try and take some time x actually he does have Ed issues he has to take a pill 2hrs before. I think it's due to the antidepressants he's on.

OP
You are not in a trap. You have everything you need to be free.

Everytime you feel inadequate, think of what you have done.

You've built a home , yourself ( in spite of your partner dragging you down)
It sounds like you have been raising your kids on your own ( in spite of your partner dragging you down)

You've built a career, and now in line for promotion ( in spite of your partner dragging you down)

Dear god, woman, you're pretty awesome.

You HAVE been doing it on your own, but I bet you would be flying without that man attached to your cape.

Stay with him, and he'll grind you to dust.
What a waste that would be.

Thank you so much. Thats so uplifting, you're right. Its just so hard to walk away though. In the end I wrote a letter with an altimatum of what I want to happen and he wants to try and work it out, end all communications with this woman, so I guess we'll see what happens now. I might try and get some counselling to work out whats missing. Thank you so much for your comments.

I'm sure you're thinking FOOL! But I have to try.

You work hard, he doesn't, yet he sends Amazon vouchers to someone else?
Balls to that.

You are already not alone, you have your brother. And the kids.

Why don't you suggest a trial with him living elsewhere, for both him and you. See how you feel after that and if being without him is worse that carrying him through life whilst he lets you.

I mean not having a drive to provide for your family is a deeply unattractive quality in a man. It's not just you that should want to be attractive.

Your poor children.
What a waster and a pathetic excuse of a man.

What an awful example of family life.

Drug wasted man who contributes nothing.

Mother doing everything and thinking this is all she deserves from a relationship.

What a legacy for your poor children.🙄

What sort of a background do you come from to actually believe THIS is all you deserve?

Have a think about what you are passing on to your children.

Thanks for all your comments, and varied opinions, lots to think about.
This is such a valuable site.

So sorry to hear you’re going through all this. You mentioned he had an addiction to weed, it may be possible he is looking for something else to replace it such as sex or affairs, this is very common replacing one addiction with another as they are missing the buzz. Some people think it isn’t possible to get addicted to weed but it is, I’ve got personal experience of living with an addict. Whilst weed is easier physically to come off of it is psychologically addictive as well for many heavy or regular users. Once they have given up the weed or whatever it was , their life will feel “flat” and like there is something missing. An addict will look around at his job or relationship and blame that. without counselling he’s always going to feel like there is something missing in his life. Do you really want to put yourself and your children through this? I have been in a similar situation and it is scary, the thought of being on your own, however as someone else pointed out you’ve been managing on your own with little financial or emotional support from him. I wasted many years of my life hoping my partner would change and staying with someone who wasn’t there for me emotionally. He left more than once telling me he was going to find someone better, as he didn’t feel the same way about me. I had him back twice because of the children and because I was scared of being alone, but looking back now I really wish I had ended it sooner. I wasted so many years with someone who wasn’t fully committed to me. I met someone else and am happily married now, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Stop settling! Even before his online cheating, he wasn’t a particular good catch. His depression isn’t a get out jail card for his ever growing list of shitty behaviour.

It’s time to throw this one back and find out where your self respect has gone.

I'm not surprised you and your daughter feel low, living with him. Sounds like you have been 'trying' for 15 years. So he gives up the affair (or more likely moves it to a more easily hidden platform) and then you go back to 'normal', which sounds like a shit life. He has no intention of leaving, you are his meal ticket. Please show your DC that this is no way to live. I bet you love him though... please love your DC and yourself more.

How did he afford the Amazon vouchers? Was it from the money you earned. I can’t imagine what you find to love about him to be honest.....

So, he has nothing to offer you OR this stranger he met online?

I agree with the point @Inaseagull makes, he’s not going to leave you as you’re his meal ticket. There aren’t many women who would put up with it and he knows it. Don’t feel bad though, as what often happens with men like this is they will convince you it’s your fault, or “do a job” on your self esteem so you don’t think you could find anyone better or you wouldn’t be able to cope without him. It’s in his interest to keep you down so you don’t realise you would be much better off without him!

Not pretty enough for him OP???
He isn't man enough enough for you, he isn't a man at all he is a freeloading prick and a lousy father.
Ditch this arsehole and get yourself a real man.

And is it your money that is paying for the amazon vouchers for this woman?

No it was his money, he does contribute but its always scraping by and building up debt which eventually is paid off by his mother. I know on the face of it I should tell him to leave ASAP but its just way more complicated than that. He used to cook and do house work but I guess the addiction/depression has got the better of him. Just feeing really hurt right now and I just need to get through my job interview. Your comments have given me some strength. Thanks.

Just because he has depression, doesn't give him an excuse to disrespect you or act like an arsehole.

You're giving him the life of riley - You work, you take care of the children, do all the mental 'wife work' like make sure they're fed / clothed / have Christmas presents, make sure the house is OK.....

And he:

Smokes weed
Sends vouchers to another woman
Joins a dating site
Sends 'saucy photos' to other women
Arranged to meet a prostitute.
Shouts and swears all the time and isn't a great Dad

You have to 'beg him to help'..... And when you call him out on his behaviour, the most obvious line comes out.... He's 'confuuuuuuuuuuused'.

No - He's not confused, he's worried that you'll kick him out and he'll actually have to get off his backside and contribute to the household when he doesn't want to, he wants to let you deal with everything so he can boost his ego and talk to other women online. Note - he's got the energy to send vouchers to other women, to reply to them and send photos - his depression doesn't seem to interfere with that, but when it comes to supporting you? Naaaaaaaaaah, why bother?

You're currently Superwoman doing everything and you have a massive deadweight around your neck. No wonder your Brother doesn't like your Husband, he probably sees exactly what a total loser your Husband is and knows his sister and her children deserve a lot more.

Best of luck in the interview and best of luck getting a life you deserve - hopefully, without your Husband.

You and your children will be so much better off without this pathetic loser OP

Focus on getting through the interview and take care of yourself

Take each day as it comes

And eventually make a plan and get rid of him

You don’t love him - you’re just attached and dependent

He is harming you and your family

Get rid of the fucker

And he doesn't contribute, does he, if he contributes £100 then spends £300 and his mum gives you £200... er that's his mum you have to thank.

And you're no better off!

Hope the interview goes well. Let us know how it went. I agree with previous poster who said you’re superwoman, doing everything. You may not feel like it but you’re a strong person if you’ve coped with all this and kept food on the table and roof over your children’s heads. You deserve so much better