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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be worried?

55 replies

Penny15 · 14/01/2021 23:30

So my partner has been distant over the last few weeks. I found a Snapchat on his phone from who I thought was his sister as it was saved as her name but it was not. He insisted they was just friends and he saved her as his sister because he didn’t want me to be upset he was chatting to someone else. I sent her a message and she said they was just old friends every now and then they talk about there lives and I had nothing to worry about.

Fast forward to just after new year he started a argument with me intentionally so I left and went home only to be told by a mutual friend he went to a birthday party that this girl was at that I was also invited to and we was planning on going together until we had a argument and he told me he was going to bed. The next day I ask why he lied and he insisted he didn’t go and only admitted it when I told him i was told he was there. He insisted he never new she was there and he only stayed a hour had 1 drink and went home to bed.

So fast forward to this week Monday night he told me he was going to bed supper early at 7.30pm which is not like him as he stays up till 3/4am every night I thought it was suspicious but went with it until Tuesday I couldn’t get hold of him until 6pm he said he had only just woken up from 7.30 the night before. I told him I didn’t believe him and he needed to be honest but insisted he was being honest. Then yesterday he was normal spoke to me a few times during the day. Called me at night like he always does and said he was going to bed at 10.30pm and he would ring me this morning.

So today nothing I called him and sent a few texts but got no reply. So I decided to go to his house but I got half way there and he answered at 6pm again and said he had only just woke up. I said you can’t of slept that long again and he said he went to sleep at 10.30pm woke up at 8am and fell back to sleep at 11am until 6pm. I said I was nearly at his house and he said go home as he had some things he needed to sort out call him at 7.30pm. So I went home called and he didn’t answer again. So I kept trying a few times and eventually he answered at 8.50pm and said he was asleep I woke him up and he was going back to sleep. So again I confronted him saying what’s going on you can’t sleep that long. He said he’s just tired call him tomorrow at 11am so I said that’s 14 hours from now your not going to sleep that long. He said again he was going he will see me Saturday like we planned. I said are you with another girl and he laughed and said no obviously not I’m going to sleep goodnight told me he loved me and went.

I don’t know what to think. I know this girl from Snapchat is in uni in Scotland and she has gone back to Scotland. Could he be asleep or is there more to this?

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 15/01/2021 05:16

What are your dealbreakers, Penny?

He has been distant and avoidant. In your last thread you said, “He’s never dishonest.” The truth is that he has been lying up a storm about OW, his phone, the party, and likely about all this ‘sleeping.’ He even manipulated you to make you leave so he could sneak out to the party, where he probably did interact with OW.

Is lying a dealbreaker for you? It is for me. You don’t deserve to be treated so contemptuously by your fiancé. You deserve a mutually respectful relationship with a honest man.

isthismylifenow · 15/01/2021 05:32

In the other post you said you were with him after you drive down there.

I think you need to stop the chasing and see how it pans out. Sadly it sounds like this has run its course though.

ChristmasFluff · 15/01/2021 06:23

He's done with you, and whether as a result of this, or whether you have always been like this, you are now acting in a controlling and suffocating way. You are overly-attached to him . Your inability to leave him alone for 14 hours shows that.

You should also really update your other thread, so that rather than leaving those posters with the impression that you are now love's young dream, they can give you the advice you should have been getting in the first place, if the whole 'depression' thing hadn't de-railed it.

Your only chance to save this relationship is for YOU to go off the radar completely. Leave him alone. Let him miss you. Or not . Get on with your life, and see if he still wants to be part of it.

Personally, I'd dump someone who treated me like this, be cause I am worth m ore. Why don't you think you are?

KatherineJaneway · 15/01/2021 07:05

As pp have said, your other thread is about the same man. I can understand if you didn't like the replies but they won't differ here.

He is treating you like crap so you'll break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and do it. All this 'I've been asleep' is bs, he doesn't want to talk to you

BigBadVoodooHat · 15/01/2021 07:13

As pp have said, your other thread is about the same man. I can understand if you didn't like the replies but they won't differ here.

And given that in this new version he sounds like an even bigger arsehole, I’m really not sure what the OP thinks will transpire from this one.

Lozzerbmc · 15/01/2021 07:24

He is not treating you respectfully at all and its very highly suspicious! Im sorry it must be v painful for you but does sound like he may be cheating. Why was he at a party in lockdown - that is inexcusable. He doesnt sound much of a catch to me.

PopsicleHustler · 15/01/2021 08:06

You shouldn't have text him when you drove to his house. Should have just rocked up and watched from outside and then gone and knocked on the door and confront him

After 7 years, this guy has not married you. Hes a waste of space, a liar and a cheat. And she knows about you too.

ThePricklySheep · 15/01/2021 08:10

Um are you sure she’s gone back to a Scottish university? Government advice is currently for online learning only and for students to not return till at least March.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/01/2021 08:32

First massive red flag, saving her number in his phone as his sister. Then blaming you for needing to do it. He is a liar. Of course she is going to lie to you.

Why are you still with him given that you have posted before? You deserve better than this. Stop thinking you have sunk 7 years into this relationship, google sunken cost fallacy. Just because you have been together 7 years and are engaged does not mean you need to keep going. The advice would be the same for 3 months.

LittleBirdBlu · 15/01/2021 08:49

I've read both your threads and I can see that you really love your boyfriend and are trying anything to hold on to him. But this man is not right for you. He's lying, he's sneaking around, he's ignoring you. You've been together for 7 years and are still very young, I expect you think you can't 'throw' those 7 years away. But and I mean this kindly, you are kidding yourself if you think this relationship will change now and go back to how it was in the beginning. People change and relationships don't always last. Your boyfriend is wanting to move on, but he is treating you terribly in the process. He is behaving in an awful way and you deserve so much better. I think you should end this relationship, it will hurt because you have been together a long time, but in time you will see that you deserve to be with someone who would never treat you the way your boyfriend is. All the best.

KirstenBlest · 15/01/2021 08:49

@Penny15, he has checked out of the relationship but can't be arsed to tell you.
You phone him at times that suit him, which means he can do whatever he likes.
He's lying to you, and he's cheating.

He isn't ill, he's an arsehole.

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 08:56

In your other thread you were defensive and happy with his explanation. You also went to his mum’s house and not his dad’s farm, so when did you see him?

ErickBroch · 15/01/2021 11:00

You keep making new threads. It's over, why do you want to be with someone treating you like this? Stop contacting him and see if he makes an effort with you or not.

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/01/2021 11:01

Reinventinganna · 15/01/2021 11:06

Why don’t you live together?

HelloThereMeHearties · 15/01/2021 11:11

We told you and told you and told you on your other thread about him that he's checked out of the relationship.

And now it's clear he's gaslighting you, lying to you about going to parties, and ignoring your calls.

It's over. Dump him and find your pride.

I'm sorry, of course you don't want to hear that, but you're young and need to see this as a starter relationship, leading on to someone who will actually want to be with you.

tigerlily20 · 15/01/2021 12:06

Please don't waste your twenties chasing after someone who doesn't want you. I did this and I regret it so much, I could have done anything in the years I was miserable, pining after him, wondering why I wasn't good enough, hoping he'd change. Spoiler alert: he never changed! Cut your losses, make plans with friends for when Covid settles, go to Amsterdam, have cheesy weekends in Butlins, book a city break in Italy -visit the Uffizi. There is so much more to life than this one, shitty person. Expand your horizons. In years to come you'll regret staying, but you won't regret leaving.

Turnedouttoes · 15/01/2021 12:23

This doesn’t sound like much of a relationship regardless of the fact he’s obviously either hiding something or isn’t interested in you anymore.
After 7 years you’re supposedly engaged but don’t live together, only see each other once a week and he’s snap chatting other girls Unless you’re 16 this isn’t a relationship

unbotheredbutbewildered · 15/01/2021 13:48

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4133609-Unable-to-contact-by-boyfriend?msgid=103660555#103660555 - re-linking previous thread on this just for ease.

It is clear he is not interested and is an arsehole. Cut your losses, accept that the posters in the original thread (above) were right about him and accept the reality.

This is not an adult relationship and definitely not a foundation for a happy, healthy life together. You clearly love him, but you need to accept he does not love you. He has no respect for you or your relationship. If he loved you, he would never treat you like this.

If you're not going to accept the advice from the posters here then please stop posting - we're doing out best to provide reasoned advice, snapping at us (like on the other thread) isn't going to make you feel better.

Lampzade · 15/01/2021 13:56

Op, he doesn’t want to be with you . Sorry

PinotPony · 15/01/2021 14:44

It's blatantly obvious that he isn't invested in your relationship. Saving a girl's number as his sister to protect you from being upset? C'mon, you're not THAT gullible, are you?!

Time to tell him you're done with his bullshit.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/01/2021 17:22

God can you really be arsed with this?

On both threads it's painfully clear he isn't that bothered about you.

You are way more invested than him and you're 7 years in. It's time to accept that and move on.

This isn't what a healthy relationship looks like at ALL. You were very young when you met so you havent had the chance to develop your own selves away from each other. I think sometimes that can mean people get stuck in a less mature dynamic in a relationship - not always but sometimes.

He isn't that into you any more. He isn't prioritising you. You're always thinking about him, what he's doing, why he's behaving the way he is etc. He isn't doing that about you - he's just getting on with his life separate to you.

I know that's hard to hear but you aren't taking on board what people are saying. It's painfully obvious he's checked out.

Many people find it hard to end a relationship they have checked out of so they distance themselves until their partner makes the decision for them, so it's on the partner and they are the 'bad guy'.

He was messaging a girl on Snapchat saved under his own sisters name... if you were 15 I'd tell you to fuck him off. You're an adult so I would now tell you that you're mental for considering staying with him all things considered plus that on top!

Can you see that he's checked out of the relationship?

KirstenBlest · 15/01/2021 17:49

Could you please bear in mind that OP is probably very distressed right now, and that what we are saying is not what she wants to be told, even if it is blatantly obvious to us.

I have been in a similar position and I would describe it as being perfectly happy with my wonderful boyfriend, then slowly you start noticing that things aren't quite right, but you explain every single red flag away, because you don't notice that the pan of water you are in is getting warmer, then holy fuck, the water's boiling.
You lose not just your future but you lose the past few years too.

OP, he's an arse.

Newbie1999 · 15/01/2021 17:53

He wants you to break up with him.

claire0614 · 15/01/2021 17:58

did you not do another three about i remember the gardener and window cleaner 2 threads in a week surely you must no this isn’t a good sign? when he was ignoring ye for 14 hours why didn’t you just turn up at his home and confront him get more truth there save you having to second guess if he was interested you wouldn’t still be questioning what’s going on as he obviously doesn’t care for you when this is still going on show your worth

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