Anyone biding their time till kids grown up before leaving or splitting up?

[Overseasmom100]

Just wondering if anyone's got plans to leave their DH once kids have left school and settled etc.

I think a lot of people I know are, but I am not sure it ever really happens. I think starting over is scary and people get complacent, especially once they have been together for 20+ years and the financial realities of splitting hit them. Unless there is someone in the wings I am not sure people take the leap.
Also, from what I have heard, it is not necessarily better for the kids to wait until they are older. My husband left when my children were 12 though, and the effects on them have been awful. I think it would have been much better if we had split later, but maybe it would have been equally bad in ways I don't know because I have not experienced that circumstance.

I want to treat myself to a divorce for my 40th birthday (5 years away). I think it's often the desire for financial stability that makes people wait until their children are older. Often its more feasible to balance childcare and work the older children get.

Ummm yes I should have when DC were 12 after an incident but it was an awful time DD didnt settle at secondary then a huge family tradegy which took the focus away.

@Gincredible1 are you doing anything in preparation? I need to be on my own. The incident plus other lies and deciet have made me realise I deserve better plus respect has gone and once that's not there ... it's time

I waited, and it was the right thing to do, but there was no abuse and I had a very good financial plan as I’ve always been financially independent. I’m ok now, never been happier, but it was hard.

To prepare: emotionally detach, build up supportive friendships, plan finances

From my experience children get more opinionated, head strong and more likely to take sides the older they are. I've heard some terrible stories of grown up 20 somethings causing assorts of problems. Don't waste time. Get out when the children are younger.

Don't wait too long.

It's horrible to know that your parents were unhappy but stayed together for your sake.

Your children will not necessarily thank you for it.

It isn't better for the kids to wait. When parents split soon after they leave home is is clear that they have waited for this moment which usually has a range of negative impacts on the kids-
Their whole life has been built on a 'lie', can lead to a deep sense of insecurity and betrayal.
Guilt that the parents suffered/ endured misery for their sake.
They learn unhealthy relationship norms

For children whose parents do split, the biggest factor on the emotional toll on the children is the degree of acrimony/amicability. A 'friendly' divorce is better for emotional well-being than a bad marriage.

I have noticed that most of the replies so far are about the financial aspect, and I understand that people will do what they have to do, and realise it is sometimes unrealistic to leave sooner for financial reasons. But please don't stay ' for the sake of the children'.

Yes. I’m waiting for a bit longer. Until finances are right. I dream of living alone.

Everyones circumstances are different.

My parents waited. Well my DM did, my DF didn’t see it coming. She is estranged now from my brother and my relationship with her isn’t easy. I felt as though my whole life had been a show for everyone else until she could escape us. I questioned every holiday/Christmas/family day out if she was happy or just did it for us. It broke my heart that my DC wouldn’t have grandparents who were together like I’d had. I wish she had done it when we were young then it would be normal. The grass wasn’t greener and although my DF met someone else quite easily, my DM had a shit time for about 10 years, she is happy again now and I’m happy for her but I wish she had made different choices.

I think everyone has different circumstances and it’s brave to stay in a horrible marriage and sacrifice your best years for your kids. I applaud anyone with the strength to put up with it

After suffering my parents horrendous relationship for years my mum left as soon as we'd left home. I'll never forgive for not leaving earlier and the trauma she caused to her kids by staying. If your marriage is over, your kids will know and suffer because of it. Please consider leaving as soon as you can.

It's not brave it's blaming your kids for your cowardice. As an adult I can rationalise why my mother did it, but my inner child will carry the guilt of her 'sacrifice' forever.

@Overseasmom100 i could have done that. But my dh’s behaviour for the past 1.5 years has put family’s financial stability in jeopardy so i filed for divorce. I was putting up with a lot of shit but this was just too much.
@Gincredible1 that’s exactly what i did, mind you, unintentionally. I’m 40 and as of today can apply for decree absolute. They say life starts at 40 right;)

He’s moved out 2 weeks ago now and i feel peace and calm inside which i forgot existed. No more knots in my stomach. Bliss. Kids struggle at times but not hugely as he is still around a lot. And i’m happier than i’ve been in the past 5 years and i see how infectious that is to them..

I planned to as my exDH wouldn't talk about separating, but he had an affair and that enabled me to end it. I'm so happy he had an affair as I was able to move on. It hasn't been easy for DCs, but I have an authentic life and no longer in a controlled situation.

@BaskingMad oh he's certainly put financial pressure on us I could manage if he left ...just. Not only has he made a mockery of our marriage....he's taken away the future if that makes sense and made me a different person...his actions have drained me...and def aged me.

I've got no support and have Aspergers so holding down a pt job, parenting etc is about my limit.
Financially and emotionally there's no way I could care for me and DD alone.
Once she is an adult it doesn't matter if I move far up north and live in a room on my own. I'm not having her suffer as a teen due to my inadequacies.

I don't want to wait, but I honestly don't know whether it's best to just do it now, or hang on. Mine are 13 and 9, and I can't imagine they'll even be thinking about leaving home for another 10 years at least. In my mind I am done, and am determined to move on with my life, but doing it for real is something else. I too had the 'life begins at 40' talk with myself, I'm 44 today, time to get on with life. I think. Good luck OP, I know how hard this all is xx

My sister did. She became pregnant unexpectedly with a third child, she was aware her husband was a serial cheater but chose to stay until the child was 18 and on her way to university. She divorced her husband at 60, a couple of years later met a man she had worked with years ago and is now in a happy relationship,

My father did. He never wanted children in the first place, my mother 'oopsed' him (he was 19, she was 24) and as she was Catholic they ended up with 3 until he finally had a vasectomy.

He tried getting out of the family life when I was 12 by attempting to sabotage his visa application to return to Australia from the UK - we'd lived there previously for 10 years, I was born there. My father had refused citizenship when it was offered 5 years in. His plan was for us to all go ahead without him, he would have then turned around and told my mother he was staying in the UK. He even went as far to arrange somewhere new for himself to live and hadn't given notice at his job. It backfired on him when his visa turned up the morning of the day we were flying back...

He confessed all this to my mother at the time. She was still stupid enough to stay with him. He finally left her, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18, for another woman....he'd had numerous affairs throughout their marriage.

I don't respect either of my parents. My childhood was stressful and I knew the whole time my parents didn't love each other. My mother was shocked when I told her that as an adult, she thought they'd hidden it so well.

My brother left his wife on the graduation day of their youngest. It was clear he had been waiting for that moment for years.

@WakingUp55643 Happy Birthday!
I hope you have an amazing day.

@Overseasmom100 Finances are often a stumbling block to leaving. Can you research getting a 2nd job or have you looked at the child maintenance site? Would it make it more real and possible if you listed all the ways you could trim expenses in the(your) future? Tv package or utilities/phone change. Grocery shop own label not branded items? 50p here, a pound there, no ready meals, use a slow cooker etc etc it all adds up and you find you have saved £10 a week. So sorry if I am stating obvious things.

What ideas have you looked to improve your future finances? UC claim?
I really hope 2021 is positive and empowering for you. x