DH has a total lack of empathy when he’s done wrong

[Lalalalala1]

Is it a lack of empathy or is it just a defence mechanism?

If he’s upset me and I’m talking about it or even just upset, he can be an arse!

I’ve just read a thread on here about lap dancers and my DH has had one years ago but we were never really allowed to talk about it and it still bothers me because of this.

Now I know I shouldn’t bring past events up - but he’s acted like an arse our entire relationship and done other things too so there’s a pattern which makes things hard to forget.

I just asked him to basically accept that a lap dance is inappropriate because he wouldn’t like it if I danced on somebody like that and I got “what is wrong with you?” And “why do you have to victimise yourself?”

Maybe I do. But is it normal to be so cold and cruel? Is it my fault for bringing it up? It’s because we’ve never been able to talk about it. If I could just have a conversation and maybe some understanding then I’d be able to let go but for me there are still questions in my head so it isn’t resolved, if that makes sense. And he snapped the minute I mentioned it.

The reason you keep bringing up the lap dance is because he's never fully spoken to you about it, you can't put it to bed with so many questions unanswered

He had a lap dance years ago. You decided that it wasn’t a dealbreaker for your relationship and stayed. And yet you still want to bring it up and have a conversation about it? Honestly, that is victimising yourself. You either forgive something and get on with your lives or you decide it’s unforgivable and leave. Mithering him about it years after the fact is just unreasonable and I’d struggle to feel any empathy towards a partner who insisted on bringing something up on a regular basis years later, as well.

If he’s acted like an arse for your entire relationship, that’s the reason you pack up and leave him. Why are you in this really pretty miserable relationship? It doesn’t sound like either of you like or respect each other much or are happy. The lap dance years ago and him getting annoyed when you want to talk about it is a complete red herring.

You sound miserable and say he’s been horrible for your whole relationship so what plans are you making to leave him? What’s keeping you there with someone you despise?

You stayed knowing about the lap dance so the time has passed to keep going on about it. If he wasn’t so horrible generally I’d say forgive/accept it and move on or leave. But he is, so leave. You’re picking at a scab. He’s not going to say what you want.

let me fix this for you

he’s acted like an arse our entire relationship and done other things too so there’s a pattern which makes things hard to forget of me reacting by being easily batted away thus demonstrating that his arse behaviour is acceptable to me

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no empathy?

@AnneLovesGilbert I think I’m in a ‘fixer’ kind of mentality.
But when I actually think about that, it’s ridiculous.
He is pretty nice most of the time. The only complaint in the day to day is that he can be a bit grumpy and dampen the mood.
It’s just if things get wobbly, which they usually do because I’m pulling him up on things, his reactions are just strange. He can’t have a conversation without being angry. He acts like a child, literally saying things just to hurt you.
I know it’s a defence mechanism but then I do sometimes wonder if he really does just lack empathy and if so - there’s no changing that is there.
His Dad is a bit of a bully and I get the impression he wasn’t so kind to him growing up. I guess I excuse the way he acts because of it. I can see why he acts the way he does. But then, that isn’t an excuse for some of behaviour like the lap dance and other stuff!! It’s usually lies or just seedy behaviour with women. He has been aggressive in the past but nothing like that for the past 9 months or so and he’s never hit me.
I guess I’m a bit damaged from the last few years with him.

@AnneLovesGilbert you know what I think it is - it isn’t the dance. It’s how he treated me afterwards. He was very cruel to me when I was upset. I think what I try and achieve when I talk to him about it - which I will say is rare, I can’t remember the last time other than today - is to get him to understand why I was upset and why I needed him to be kinder to me. Because the way he treated me after that really effected my sense of self worth. And actually, that was the beginning of all the other crappy stuff. It makes me question whether I changed at that point and he just stopped liking me or I guess he lost respect for me because I just let him treat me like that? Seems messed up that you would act that way with someone you supposedly love though!

No he did not stop respecting you at that point. He already gave no shits. This was merely the point at which you realised.

He does not care how you feel. He is annoyed at you bleating about your feelings because it is irrelevant to him. Review the past through that lens. What do you see?

I'm going through this now with my husband and what you're describing mirrors his behaviour in the earlier years. It then continued throughout and I always forgave or overlooked and now I'm broken.

I have never said this before, but you need to seriously think about your future. Please don't end up like me. I'm not saying your situation is identical but it's very very similar.

I have a thread that I started tonight which I haven't put details in, for risk of being identified, but it mirrors your situation.

Take care of yourself.

What’s the point of all the hand wringing and psychoanalysis? Everyone who is a dickhead has deep and complex reasons for being so: bad childhood bla bla bla. It doesn’t mean anyone else has to put up with it.

@ComtesseDeSpair

He had a lap dance years ago. You decided that it wasn’t a dealbreaker for your relationship and stayed. And yet you still want to bring it up and have a conversation about it? Honestly, that is victimising yourself. You either forgive something and get on with your lives or you decide it’s unforgivable and leave. Mithering him about it years after the fact is just unreasonable and I’d struggle to feel any empathy towards a partner who insisted on bringing something up on a regular basis years later, as well.

Jesus. I think someone else here needs to charge their empathy batteries! Yeah, you have a point, but this is an unresolved issue she was never really allowed to explore or discuss properly, so she can't really move on without that. He doesn't actually want to face the consequences which is why the discussion never took place.

Now I know I shouldn’t bring past events up - but he’s acted like an arse our entire relationship and done other things too so there’s a pattern which makes things hard to forget

Mmmm yes you are. The price of infidelity is having to comfort your now insecure partner, and trying to heal the damage you've caused.

If you've been on these boards for a while you see the same issues cropping up. A lot of women seem to end up leaving their husbands because they turn into grumpy, moody men who sulk, snap and ruin days out. It's sucks the life out of those women and dampens any joy they might feel thinking about spending retirement with that person.

Upbringing does affect you, but only so much. We inherent some certain personality traits from our parents and grandparents, sometimes in very different configurations and some traits skip generations. However, it means that your husband may have an inherent disposition to be an asshole which is very difficult to change. Maybe you should read a book called 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy.

Inherit*

That author is called Lundy Bancroft. I'm not saying your husband is 'an abuser', but it might help you understand what's going on a bit better.

It's the like it or lump it attitude.

Which one will you pick?

There really is no point in wasting your breath trying to get him to understand how he has hurt you, thats the bottom line.

He doesn't care.
Only if he has a real fear of losing you will you get any attention paid to these grievancies of yours, and even then it will be pap, pacifying you till he's back in control.

If you are young enough and you want love, find someone else, otherwise get used to being neglected and having your feelings ignored.

Grim isn't it.