How do you know if it’s normal or not?

[HaraldHalf]

Feeling very fragile right now.

Not having a good afternoon, felt overwhelmed and on the cusp of a panic attack. Needed to get dinner on but knew I just needed DH there to help too (this was a pain thing, arthritis meant I couldn’t peel the veg).

He was immediately irritated about it but I thought I’ll tell him how I’m feeling. And it just descended into him shouting at me, following me around saying I’m insane and a psycho when I was literally just trying to say I can’t keep on top of the house on my own.

He calls me those names a lot. And then he kept telling me I’d been having a go at him but I truly was just saying how I felt and that it’s getting to me.

I don’t know if this is normal or not anymore. On one hand I think everyone argues sometimes and on the other I think you’re telling me things that aren’t true about what I’ve said, won’t actually
Let me articulate the problem and are using words that are just horrific.

following me around saying I’m insane and a psycho

Not normal.

1. Not normal. Very far from normal.

1. Read the post pinned to the top of the Relationships board (Listen Up?)

1. Fuck normal anyway. If your relationship makes you unhappy it matters not one jot that Janet and Beryl would be fine with it.

I know. It sounds awful but we have different vocab and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes that he just doesn’t have other words but he knows how I feel about it. And today, it was just so unnecessary. I was very calm in my tone because even moving felt like an effort because of the panic attack. I could barely keep my eyes open. And this happens every time I try to open up to him, which he berates me for saying I don’t feel like I can - but it’s because this exact thing always happens.

I am not surprised you have panic attacks living in that atmosphere.

Nothing is normal about this relationship. Get out now.

Actions not words.

His actions say he hates you.

You are trying to fix it with words.

That does not work in these situations. Look at actions both his and yours. Your required action is probably to LTB. At which point I bet your MH improves dramatically.

He sounds like a nob. If he doesn't treat you like a queen then he doesn't deserve to be your king.

Don't tolerate this and don't excuse it because you think you are a burden. You deserve to be treated with respect.

@StrippedFridge

1. Not normal. Very far from normal.

1. Read the post pinned to the top of the Relationships board (Listen Up?)

1. Fuck normal anyway. If your relationship makes you unhappy it matters not one jot that Janet and Beryl would be fine with it.

I’ve read that post so many times. There’s been so much. I’m just so broken. I lost one of my siblings and I know it changed me and I end up thinking it’s all me, I don’t cope with life properly anymore. But I do cope. I run a successful business while being responsible for all house communications, all school runs, 90% of the house and all the meals. It’s just me that doesn’t get anytime to just be.

And even with my fragile mental health and chronic illness, I don’t think I’m expecting too much to be able to talk to him. A lot of the time I’m not even asking him to do anything. I just want some acknowledgment that it’s shit for me right now for so many reasons and that he’s got my back regardless. Not to be called names (psycho used to be cunt)

I don’t think I’m expecting too much to be able to talk to him. A lot of the time I’m not even asking him to do anything. I just want some acknowledgment that it’s shit for me right now for so many reasons and that he’s got my back regardless. Not to be called names (psycho used to be cunt)

Yes you are expecting too much from him. That is not his personality.

Now, you are correct to expect that from a relationship.

It is like you are voting for Trump but then get shocked he behaves like Trump and ask people if it is right for a president to behave like Trump because you think he should behave like Obama. Then you try to explain to the orange freak that he should be more like Obama. He shouts random abuse at you. You vote for him again anyway. He convinces Jamiroquai to storm the Capitol Then yet again you wonder how you can have a nice chat to make him decide to be more Obama tomorrow. See? Don't do that. It is doomed.

@StrippedFridge - that was brilliantly put!

[quote TeenTitan007]@StrippedFridge - that was brilliantly put![/quote]
Yes it really was. And it’s exactly what I’d say if someone came to me with this issue. Why is it so much harder when you’re the one in the eye of the storm?

Perhaps because admitting it means you have to do something about it, and that's scary.

DH goes off or blames me for everything if I ask for help. Arthritis and horrific levels of chronic pain here. He finally came out and said it, he doesn't actually want to help. He says the rights things, full out asking me how he can help But if i want him to act on those platitudes I end up having to cope with him being an angry jerk.

Why is it so much harder when you’re the one in the eye of the storm?

I don't know, but it definitely is. What helped me was imagining myself as 60-70 year old woman.

Did I want that woman to be spoken to badly? No I didn't.

What could I do to protect her? I could leave.

It was somehow easier to protect her than me.

It's definitely not normal.

I've been in your shoes, I was the "psycho" and always told I was "having a go at him" - those exact words! I was constantly full of doubt, didn't know what was normal, worried I was overreacting. Sometimes thought I really was crazy and didn't trust my own memories. My anxiety was through the roof.

Even now I'm out of that relationship I still struggle sometimes with anxiety. Certain things set me off and I go into anxiety/panic mode. I don't want to sound overdramatic but it actually feels like some form of PTSD!

I'm so much better overall though, and feel like I get better each day. You can do it too. You won't regret it. I know how scary it is, but take things one step at a time.

I also have a chronic illness. I have actually found the symptoms have improved since I got away. I don't seem to have as many bad days now that I'm not permanently on edge! I do still get anxious but now I have good days as well as bad. Reading your post brought me to tears because I know exactly how it is. Getting away from him made me feel like a huge giant weight had been lifted, and I didn't even know it was there until it was gone.

I agree with newyear. I do lots of things deliberately to be kind to future-me at the expense of today-me.

It is a complete fucking pain in the arse to break up a relationship. So much fucking slog and stress over many weeks and months to get free. Right when you need less fucking slog and stress in your life. Right when you are one wafer thin mint away from exploding. So you hope it can be cured by magic words instead.

A bit like being so broke you have a fiver for food for a week yet spending that last fiver on lottery tickets.

Have you heard of sick systems?
www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

It’s just me that doesn’t get anytime to just be.

That was my exact situation too. I really could have written your posts (except the career part as he didn't want me to work.)

Not normal. Cruel.

I needed to read the advice on this thread too. I have been in a long 'marriage' (legally married but he has never behaved as a husband) and experienced all of us. I have hated myself for my weakness. I am interested in the posts which help explain that. I hope you can break free, OP, and live a happier life.

@StrippedFridge those sick systems hit so close to home. The no space to think, the constantly moving goal posts. It’s all so familiar, but I’ve been caught in a cycle of thinking well it must be me as the common denominator.

Thank you everyone for helping me find some clarity. I’m so sad to see that I’m not alone in this.