What was my ex?

[Isisiris]

I realise it may not seem important but I would like to know what sort of person my ex was so I can do some reading on how to recover.

She was abusive definitely.
I don't know if she was perhaps a narcissist or maybe a sociopath.

She tried to kill me once (strangled me then picked me up and threw me down the stairs).

Some time after this, she told me that she didnt get the psychological thrill from this that she expected, felt cheated of the experience as it didnt excite her as she thought.
That to me sounds like a form of psychopathy, but I realise this isnt a true medical term and also it isnt a term i think should be thrown around lightly.
She was very adept at crying and gleaning sympathy
Very hot and cold in her behaviour toward me
Very childish in her behaviour generally
Scared of confrontation
Would storm off rather than resolve an issue
Very seldom if ever apologised
Thought nothing of upsetting me. I found myself apologising when she had done wrong.

I forgot to add,after she had thrown me,she started crying and saying she would kill herself. I didnt lose consciousness and found myself comforting her.

Shameless bump.

She's a fucking psycho!

I hope you get the therapy you need to recover and heal

Thank you. I'm getting there but I just wanted to make sure I did the correct reading and accessed the right things so it would be helpful to be more knowledgable. So you think she actually had psychopathy? It's very rare isnt it.

Unfortunately its impossible to diagnose someone in this way without the person seeing a medical professional. Obviously this behaviour is completely disgusting and abnormal but you need to focus on you and let her continue to destroy herself.

Healing doesn't come from diagnosing the other person,healing comes from working on yourself, learning to value yourself enough that the second you feel you are being mistreated you know that you deserve more and you walk away from situations that cause you pain. You need to engage in counselling for yourself and don't waste your energy on her.

I seem to see a lot of literature around focusing on 'how to recover from a relationship with a XYZ'. And I also want to know for my own closure I think. I realise it isnt going to be an actual diagnosis, but it would be helpful to me.

I can understand wanting closure and that she treated you horrifically but no medical professional is going to be able to diagnose a specific disorder for a person from 3rd hand information and if they do they are not a professional. There are so many variables to diagnose someones mental health, maybe focus on literature on how to get over an abusive relationship? You've been through an awful relationship and time will heal it but you have to put you first and not focus on her mental instability but focus on how you can move forward.

I'm curious as to what people would think.

And sorry I probably worded it incorrectly
I dont want her medically diagnosed, I'm not interested in what goes on with her at all now. I'm just analytical and like things to make sense so wanted to know what others thought from the examples I gave :)

I think it's a biT more complicated than that.

You have escaped an abusive relationship, well done- that isn't easy. 'What kind of abuser' would be a better question I think.

There's a book often recommended in here by Lindy Bancroft, 'Why does he do that?'. I don't know whether abusive women fit the types of abuse he identifies, but it might be worth a look.

"Abusive" is all anyone will be able to tell you.

The reason "how to get over a X" stuff is so prevalent is that there's a lot of media talk about narcs, sociopaths etc, I hear a lot of crap about "avoidant attachment" as well.

I got stuck in this "but WHY did he do it?" mode for a long time and it's really not helpful. You think that if you can just understand the abuser, you can heal from the abuse. But that's a fallacy. You will never be able to truly understand an abuser's mind and emotions, because you're not an abuser.

Ultimately the answer to "why did s/he treat me like that" is "because s/he enjoys hurting people and thought s/he would get away with it." That's it. That's all you can know, all you need to know. A better question to ask is "What led me into a situation like this? What red flags did I miss that would have enabled me to get out before I got hurt? Why did I overlook or excuse them? And what will I do differently next time?"

I hope you have a good therapist to help you work through this. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy and it's not a case of" just leave and your pain will cease" - you've been subjected to violence and that takes time and work to heal from.

If cost is an issue than Google the "freedom programme" run by women's aid - you can do it online for a tenner (I'm assuming you're a woman from your username but if you're a man then it's still available online.)

All the best healing from this truly shitty human 🌸

No one here can possibly tell you, evenedical professionals wouldn't be able to tell you. Doenst matter what people think it might have been.

To me it did. I will ask elsewhere as I'm not getting many answers here.

The freedom program,I recomend to clients myself as it does seem very helpful for a lot of people. I've done it, (online) and I didnt find it helpful unfortunately. Partly because it is very hetero normative (I understand why it absolutely has to be) but also it just wasnt for me. I felt worse afterwards!

Also thank you for the well wishes all

I wasnt really asking why she treated me like she did. I was just curious as to what sort of person people thought those sort of actions pointed toward.

Terrible abuser, disgusting human being.

Psychopaths tend to only cry to manipulate someone into performing how they want them to perform, not through loss of control and desperation. Same with suicide threats. So could by psychopathy and it was pure manipulation, or could be something else and it was a mixture of manipulation and genuine loss of control.

You exist to provide them with what they want, when they want. Deviate from that and they either discard you immediately or manipulate you in different ways to find out what works. If nothing does, they will then discard or punish you.

Thank fuck you're out of this relationship now. What a terrible person.

youvegotten thank you.

*Psychopaths tend to only cry to manipulate someone into performing how they want them to perform, not through loss of control and desperation. Same with suicide threats. So could by psychopathy and it was pure manipulation, or could be something else and it was a mixture of manipulation and genuine loss of control.

You exist to provide them with what they want, when they want. Deviate from that and they either discard you immediately or manipulate you in different ways to find out what works. If nothing does, they will then discard or punish you.*

She wanted me to phone an ambulance. And I did. So I guess this fits. The second paragraph definitely fits too. Thanks again.