MIL Positive Covid test - no surprise!

[AgainstTheCurrent]

I know this is mean and I wasn't sure where to put this but I had to get it out of my head. MIL has messaged DH to say she is really poorly and has a positive test. I feel for DH but I am struggling to worry about MIL or come up with anything but angry responses as I don't like her or trust her.

There is a massive backstory of events that have happened over the last 13 months which just make me think that whilst she is great at playing the victim she is actually just a selfish woman and probably a narc.

Ultimately in November lockdown she moved back to our town (we were tier 2) from an area that specifically said no travelling from or 2. Lived with other family members, met up with DH locally outside 2 weeks before xmas, within a week she had called him to say she had met someone on a dating app and she was no longer in our town, she had gone to live with him - after a week - in a tier 4 area.

She is 70 and has pretty much not stuck to rules, visited other family members new born baby when he was just 3 days old? I thought new born were meant to be isolated for first week? She has just done what she wanted and now is surprised that she has tested positive as she has hardly been out of the house!

I know its awful and I know she may be very poorly or even die and usually I have a lot more empathy but I am raging (unfairly I know) and need to feel calmer before DH comes home so I can support him better as he is stressed and worried as she is still his mom.

I am just at breaking point though, the last 13 months have been the hardest in my life and she contributed towards chunks of it and I am probably projecting a bit as I lost my mom a couple of years back but I just don't know how to let it go anymore.

Deep breath. No point in recriminations or I told you so's. Park them here and focus on what dh needs. Let him moan about her but be sure not to be negative yourself.

Let her get on with it and stay away from her. Breaking the rules has consequences. She would get no sympathy from me.

Make bit clear to dh if he goes to see her the trip needs to be one way... She may try and manipulate him..
But no a baby doesn't need to be kept in for a week.
Maybe you are thinking about a new dcat not a new dc!!

What @ScrapThatThen said. Just the basic platitudes you'd give about anyone being ill, don't play the blame game or say 'no fucking surprise, hope the old witches dies' no matter how tempted you may be...

You could begin by seeing your mother-in-law as human just like you.

It is so, so easy to see the faults in others, to give them labels (selfish/narc) and let them grow, without really ever thinking that we ourselves have large flaws aswell.

You look in on your mother-in-law but she looks out. It is a difference of perspective which requires understanding.

Noone deserves to get COVID. Support your DH and anything he needs to do to help her without putting yourselves at risk.

Let your DH express his own worries, frustration, etc but try and let it wash over you and don’t comment, just the occasional “hmm” and “uh-huh” will do.

I totally know how you feel, my in-laws went to a NYE party, it was fine, there were only 16 people going and they’d all stayed in for a few days beforehand and inside I was fuming and thinking “don’t fucking come crying or expecting help from here if you end up with covid”.

Don't think of it as commenting on it supporting her in any way. Just think if what you do next as supporting your DH through a difficult and emotional time.

He gets to be emotional, you get to be non committal and supportive of him

Good luck.

But no a baby doesn't need to be kept in for a week.
Maybe you are thinking about a new dcat not a new dc!!

I know typically they wouldn't I just thought with covid they advised newborns to be shielded for 1st week.

I don't think he would go and see her as she was vile to us at a time she should have offered nothing but support and he works with vulnerable adults and we are very careful because of it.

Moving house, even between Tiers, was always allowed. Meeting one person outdoors was also allowed (and is still allowed, if you go for a walk, even in Tier 4.) Babies do not have to be isolated after birth. If the person she has gone to live with also lives alone, then it is permitted to form a support bubble with them. I’d be concerned that she’s been incredibly rash and naive to move in with somebody she doesn’t know from Adam, but it isn’t against restrictions. So all in all, the m struggling to see why you’d be unsympathetic and raging. She hasn’t attended an illegal rave, has she. And it’s very sad that your own mum is no longer around, but I assume MIL wasn’t responsible for her death?

Do you feel threatened, because she’s another woman your DH loves, cares for an prioritises? Because if these are the best examples you can come up with to prove that she’s probably “a narc”, this sounds like more of a you problem. It sounds like a very unhealthy family dynamic in need of addressing, anyway.

Noone deserves to get COVID

No they don't deserve to get it but equally when her GGS was born not breathing and we spent 3 weeks with him in NICU she come to ours and made us feel awful that we weren't celebrating xmas with her - last year.

When same DGS was having 3 hours seizure at 8 weeks she cried we were leaving her out - hence why it is hard for me to have sympathy now

Do you feel threatened, because she’s another woman your DH loves

Not at all, I am very close with DSD and DSS lives full time here. See above response to why.

I know how you feel. My ex (now an ex because of his pandemic behaviour) was like your MIL and caught covid a couple of weeks ago. I'm talking weekly partying all night for months while we were in tier 3. I don't know how he didn't get it sooner. In his case, because he's young and healthy he thought it wouldn't affect him. WRONG! He was very poorly, spent two weeks in bed and is still feeling breathless and weak now. Shoot me, but I had no sympathy either.

Focus on functional things to be caring for hime.g make him a cup of tea, tell him you’re sorry he’s hurting and you understand his mother being ill must be very distressing. Try not to think of her directly but as a mother of your partner. That should help in immediate time to help you support your DH and then later maybe work out your feelings about her.

You don't have to like your mother in law to understand that your DH loves his mum and is worried about her. Surely you love your husband enough not to want him to go through the death of his mother?

Wish her well, offer some shopping if they are nearby, keep your feelings to yourself (and us)

I would have no sympathy privately at all, but some things are best left unsaid.

You don't need to actually do anything for her if she has treated you unkindly, but for the sake of decency keep quiet, be kind to your dh (it is not his fault his mother is like she is) and keep your counsel op.

This is not the moment for revenge no matter how tempting it might be.

My BIL, who I like, has caught Covid from attending an event.
My DH is worried about him but also cross that he attended the event in the first place so it's conflicting.
I'm just going down the supportive route because as much as we might get annoyed by our loved ones behaviour it comes from concern.
When people who don't love them like we do agree with us it feels like harsher criticism.
If I ever say anything at all negative about my in-laws it's very gently and surrounded by positivity
Where I can rant to my heart's content about my own family
Rant here and then just be supportive of your DH. It must be even more difficult for him as she sounds like a very self involved inconsiderate mother.
I am sorry for the loss of your Mom.

I really dont want her to die, I just have no sympathy for her. DH is home now so need to find out whats going on and offer him the support, thanks for replies

@KylieKoKo

You don't have to like your mother in law to understand that your DH loves his mum and is worried about her. Surely you love your husband enough not to want him to go through the death of his mother?

If you read the OP's post again, you'll see that she said all that.

OP, a small mean part of me would be shouting saying Told You So!!! But, like you have said, you need to get past that so you can support your DH. I'm sure that venting on here has helped.

And I hope he isn't going to go and see her, as PPs have suggested!

You're coming across as cold and entirely lacking in empathy. Perhaps it's you that is the 'narc'?

I have a MIL who sounds similar. Also moved in with someone random mid lockdown (the relationship lasted 3 months). Also chose when she wanted to obey the rules and would socialise etc. Also caught covid and then played the victim.
We support her, treat her kindly etc but retain a positive detachment for our sakes. There is always a backstory and such individuals tend to have suffered at some post in their lives. I try to keep that in mind but I can totally see why you might need to vent and also feel that you’ve had enough. I always try to think that, when she does pass whether it be 5 / 10 / 20 years, we will have no regrets about how we have treated her - always kinder than necessary x

Sorry I had time constraints yesterday as DH was due back from work any minute and I wanted to get it off my chest quickly so I could just be there for him when he came in.

As it is, she had a positive test earlier this week after catching from her new partner.

@ComtesseDeSpair in answer more specifically to you and @Orf1abc

Yes i did come across as cold and lacking empathy and in her case I suppose I am.

Perhaps I should not have started the thread or in the very least not focused on the covid test aspect and maybe it should have been more of an AIBU to lack empathy for my MIL generally.

When I met DH 15 years ago, I didn't even realise his mom was still alive for a couple of months. He talked about his dad a lot but the only reference to his mom was that she used to make butterfly cakes when he was younger.

When DH was 16 she left her marriage him and his brother to live with another man and his 16 YO daughter. She told them she had always been really sad that she had only had boys and had always wanted a daughter, spent roughly 20 years of her life with this man and saw his daughter as her best friend and the daughter she never had - fair enough.

From 16 MIL has never once wanted to spend Christmas with either of her kids or have holidays as she had her new family now. I suppose I feel bad because I thought maybe DH had just let there be a drift so tried to encourage MIL and her husband to come for coffee see us on boxing day etc

It became very obvious that it was not DH, there was a massive difference between how she treated her DSD and their DGC compared to DH and his DC's. That said, as someone getting used to being a SM I found it a bit hard to figure out new dynamics and didn't really focus on it, tried to make them feel welcome when they came, kept a smile on face when they were telling us how the had been buying this for their GC and going on this and that holiday as a family. I was close to my family DH was welcomed into my family and so were his kids so all good. Dh was so used to it that it didn't bother him anyway.

After DH and I were together about 10 years (about 5 years ago) she started asking to borrow money off us all the time because we both worked FT and she didn't want husband to know, I took out a loan in my name to help her out because she had run up over 10k in debt and didn't work and was worried sick her DH would not be happy.

2 years on found out she had run up another 40k of debt and walked out on husband, she didn't tell us it was her DIL that called us as she had also lent her money and was worried.

Found out 4 weeks later that she had moved in with another man she had met, she swears that they only met after her and her dh split up but she loves him. DH begged her to come and stay with us instead but she said she was too old to not grab what she wanted and new man had such a lovely family and he was still working but it was lovely to get time to herself etc and have freedom and money coming in.

She wanted to bring new partner to ours to stay 6 weeks after she had been with him as she wanted her DGC to meet their new GD, we said no we didn't want to introduce new man to DC's just yet, wanted to see how it worked between them.

Met up a few times over summer with them, seemed nice enough and she seemed happy so all good.

After my mom passed away she said she would really like it if I started calling her mom, I declined saying I thought it was just to hard (and we had not been close and my mom had not long passed away). Then she said it would be lovely if we could all spend Xmas together. I explained that I still wanted to see my family xmas day as it was still a bit raw for us but was really happy if her and her partner wanted to come either xmas night or boxing day morning and we would do xmas day part 2 with them - again all fine.

DSD gave birth in Dec and her LO was not breathing for 21 minutes we were told to expect significant brain damage, this happened to be on MIL bday, we were at one hospital whilst DGS was blue lighted to another for cooling, DSD had to have surgery after birth due to complications. MIL called to say she was coming to hospital and then wanted to stay at ours. I had to tell her that it just wasn't practical as we didn't know when we were going to have to go to the other hospital etc. She kept calling Dh crying but not about her DGD or new DGGS but because it was her birthday and we were ruining it for her because she should have been able to see the baby.

LO very very purely and my DSD was also not doing good, they were in a hopsital about an hour away and DH and I were having to go over to them each morning, help with DSD personal care (LO was admitted but not DSD) staying to give DSD her evening injection then coming back home at about 7/8 each night. It was awful, the emotional strain, thought of losing DGS but also we were physically knackered as well. Going to supermarket on way home to get food that could be cooked over night so that DSD would eat in hosptial etc. They were still there over xmas and DH tried telling MIL that whilst he knew she wanted to come and stay it wasn't really a good idea as we were hardly at home and we really wasn't going to celebrate xmas at all, we wanted to wait for DSD and LO to be home and then do it all together then.

On xmas day we were told that LO may not make it, he seizured for over an hours and was having 70 seizures a day. MIL came on boxing day and stayed a week with her partner anyway. She was very disappointed that we were going back to hospital each day and couldn't understand why we had to keep going over, told us she thought we were being silly and they had made a special trip to see us. Yet each night we would get back and she would be asking what was for tea, never once offered to do us something when we got home and actually disappeared up to her room when we got there but kept walking past kitchen or living room sniveling. everytime I asked her if she was ok she would just say yes yes don't worry about me and it would start again. I thought I was just being over touchy because everything that went on. In the end they went home.

Couple of weeks later she text to apologise, I told her that there was nothing to apologise for and it was a very stressful time for all.

2 weeks after that she called to see if her and her partner could come again to saty, both for the weekend but then she wanted to stay a few more days as she felt she really needed to reconnect with her family. I said of course and thought that at last she really saw how lovely they were and she should want to be a part of it. They arrived on the Friday evening and he went home on the Sunday, she told me Sunday night she had met another man online and was leaving current partner, I was a little shocked but her life. As it turned out over the course of the week, this bloke was from USA and needed help to get out of Army and was actually then going to come and collect her from our house and she was going back to USA with him. He had a daughter and she had always wanted a daughter. At the same time my DGS was back in hospital with seizures and very poorly again) I was fuming that all of her talk of reconnecting with her family was bollocks as she was planning on doing one with yet another new bloke to a different country. As it turned out she also sent him 8k (of her partners savings)and it was a scam. I asked her what she was going to do - she went back to partner and said she would have to make up a story of were the money went.

Stayed with partner until she moved back to home town, which I am now thinking is just a repeat of the pattern, I think she used the other family members as a holding pen until new new bloke could come and get her.

This is all very identifying but to be honest at this point maybe if she read it she would get that I am hurt by the way she treats her family, my Dh and his kids. I think that she probably has got mental health issues (maybe not a narc but it does always seem to be about her and she is manipulative and controlling) but I don't understand how someone can just be so self centered. These are admittedly the worse of the incidents of recent but she is very critical of how close I am to my DSC's as she feels that I am not the wife I should be, that I shouldn't really work FT as I should be home for DH more. FWIW DH really doesn't have the time and refuses to give her the headspace, its his mom and he loves her but thinks it is always just one drama to the next. I know it hurts him though and him and his kids always seem bottom of her attention, she didn't go and see her GGS when see came but went to see another family members little girl.

Actually whilst that is all very identifying I feel that it has helped to get it off my chest and maybe I am a bit petty and bitter when it is not really anything to do with me, other than feeling defensive of DH and his kids. Also maybe she will come across this and see that her ways hurt her family a lot and this is why now i really just can't be bothered with her anymore.

I don't hate her, I just don't want any more of her drama in my life, but will still be supportive of DH and anything he needs me to do to help as long as I don't have to actually see her.

@Adifferentstory2 I will try to let things go and maybe I will be able to, I think with everything happening recently and the added stress of lockdowns and work etc.

Anyway I feel a lot less stressed today as DH said she had the test 4 days ago after having symptoms last week and said she just text him the positive test result and said I am really ill, he couldn't then get hold of her for over an hour but then she called him back and said she was sat out in the garden for some fresh air.