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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice about marriage

9 replies

confusedcow · 27/10/2007 21:54

I need some advice, I feel like the biggest cow on earth. DH and I have reached a crisis point in our marriage. We have been together for 8 years and have 2 small children

He was drinking far too much every night and we hardly saw each each other as he was on his games consoles all the time.I was feeling neglected so stupidly I started to text one of my male friends. We have admitted to each other that we fancy each other but it has gone no further than flirting. Dh found out the other night about this and went mad so I told him how I felt about his drinking etc. I have never seen him so upset, he was crying and said how he didn't want to lose us so we have agreed we are going to try and make it work.

This is the bad part though. I'm not entirely sure I want it to work. I still love him but just dont know if im in love with him anymore. I was only 16 when we started dating and I just don't feel the same way I did then. I just feel like such a bad person right now. DH doesn't trust me and who can blame him, I just feel like I'm under scrutiny from him.

Sorry this has been so long, I know no-one can tell me what to do, I just wanted to get this off my chest

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedcow · 27/10/2007 21:57

btw I have namechanged because people in rl know me here and I don't want anyone to know

OP posts:

GarrottedbyElasticband · 27/10/2007 22:00

w3ll you can't just turn it back on cos he cried can you?

you need some serious sorting out i think. I am sorry. Can you have some childfree evenings. some days out, it will take time .
what about his drinking and game consoling, is he going to change that.
you felt neglected, it is quite a typical story.
could you relaly imagine life without him?

Original poster

confusedcow · 27/10/2007 22:02

I know, I just feel so guilty. I think we need some time apart to clear our heads but he doesn't want to go. I think he is worried that would definitely be over if he did

What a mess

OP posts:

HairyIrene · 27/10/2007 22:02

its good you are being honest, and also talking to each other
your relationship changes and it will not be like it was ime but can be better or worse iykwim..

he has also lost your trust through drinking alone? and playing games, albeit consul ones! (though flirting thing on text not wisest thing but its brought it all to a head i guess

its okay to feel like not in love, cause that can pass to,...alot has gone on
give yourself time to talk and work out stuff
there is alot of people happiness at stake i would take my time, stop texting! and take stock of it all, slowly...

Original poster

confusedcow · 27/10/2007 22:03

He promised he is going to change. He has said it in the past but not done anything about it. I think he might be serious this time though

OP posts:

HairyIrene · 27/10/2007 22:22

confusedcow
how bad is the drinking?
has he done anything about it yet?

Original poster

confusedcow · 28/10/2007 23:29

probably about 7-8 cans a night. He has stopped since this all came to a head on Thursday. I just don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

BecauseImWereWolfit · 28/10/2007 23:31

Talk, talk and talk some more. You have both been spending time on your own and not communicating. Tell him how you feel and be honest. No point in not doing that at this stage.

You have a lot to fight for, so hope it works out.

purpleduck · 29/10/2007 00:06

Feelings go up and down. Thats what makes it hard. Give yourselves the opportunity to fix things, and to maybe see each other in a new light. Maybe he needed a wakeup call too. Give yourselves a chance. Besides, no matter who you are with, there will be a time when things get boring, and you will need to work on your relationship. Now is the time.
good luck

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