Frustrated and worried - further education and DD

[teenage]

My DD is nearly 18 and I'm really frustrated and worried. For reference, she was diagnosed with ASD when she was 15.

She did great in her GCSEs, got some fantastic results, but A-Levels weren't for her. She coped okay until lockdown last year, and then she shut off completely and refused to engage, at one point refusing to go back into further education entirely. We looked at changing courses and she started a BTEC in September which seemed much more suitable.

But she is not keeping up with the work, and constantly lies to me about her workload. She spends all day in her room, stays up late cooking, doesn't actually participate in family life, and is getting further and further behind on her assignments.

She tells me that she is struggling with stress and her mental health, but I do feel like this is a catch-all phrase which means "can't really be bothered." I feel crushed by stress some days, I have a manic workload with my job, a course, and running the house as a lone parent, but I manage to take care of the important things, and I am building up a lot of resentment that she isn't doing the bare minimum in her life (she doesn't even have set chores) and yet feels her life is too stressful.

I am venting here, I feel quite angry at the moment - whilst I do understand that ASD means her world is different to mine, I don't know if I have the capacity to support her in the ways she needs. She is often intractable, unfriendly, unpleasant, prickly, messy, etc. If we agree on a topic, she is happy and cheerful, but if we don't, she becomes very sullen and disappears for days.

We just now had a conversation wherein she said she is feeling low and that she's behind on assignments again, and I challenged her on this because she's been lying to me when I check in on her. I don't hound her, I don't badger her, but when I ask how things are going with her college work, she cheerfully says it's all "fine".

I have asked for help from the college, but I suppose since she's nearly 18 they don't want to communicate with parents as much?

I actually feel like a really shit mum, I do try to make her life happy and I do love her of course, but why do I suddenly feel like the bad guy when I show even a hint of irritation that she's been lying to me?

Maybe she's really depressed and can't articulate it. I don't know. I don't know if she's going to cope with adult life at all, and I don't know if I have the capacity to support her as she moves into young adulthood, if she won't even do the bare minimum herself.

Does she have any MH support?

Is she still under CAMHS and/or are they planning to transition her to adult services?

It might be worth asking MNHQ to move this thread to SEN as there are lots of parents with similar experiences.

My DC were diagnosed with ASD relatively late too, and it can mean that people miss out on the support available as they aren't known to services (for example, not being known to Disabled Children’s Services at the council means they won't get picked up for transition to adulthood support for people with ASD as they're not on the list), so it becomes the parent/carer's job to hunt down the support available and to work out how to access it. There is also support available for carers juggling work, etc too, which might be helpful.

My DC are going through similar struggles, especially DS17. He's reduced his college workload and is not really engaging atm, but I'm not too worried because I had similar issues (I dropped out and went back to study a while later when I was ready) and got back on track eventually. My neurodivergent family members followed a similar pattern and all ended up fine too.

I think it's important to get her some MH support first (is there a school counsellor?) and to get some help from the SENCo. I wouldn't worry about the fact teachers expect pupils to be more independent at her age - some will need more support, especially with SEN, so it's not like you're mollycoddling her!

It's hard sometimes when a teen's difficulties appear to have sprung up out of the blue as lots of people make assumptions as assume if they can do GCSEs, they can cope with the traditional next step - many don't appreciate how the rigid and contained structure of GCSEs can benefit someone with ASD and conversely, how overwhelming a sprawling A-level course or a mysterious BTEC curriculum (with all its unquantified parameters) can be for someone who needs certainty and structure.

I would ask the course leader for a full breakdown of the BTEC syllabus so you and she can sit down and come up with a plan of action and break the work into manageable pieces. It sounds like she doesn't know how to tackle it and has been avoiding facing up to her difficulties. She's probably been lying to herself as much as she has to you - denial is sooo much more comfortable than facing the hard truth that you're diverging from your peers' progress and from where you thought you'd be at this age.

If she hasn't had much psychoeducation following her diagnosis, she may well be feeling as perplexed and frustrated as you are as to how she has seemingly gone from being a smart kid to someone who's struggling, as bright kids aren't supposed to struggle and it understandably affects one's self-esteem and identity. Gaining some understanding of how her autism is affecting her studies is likely to help her in realising that her difficulties aren't surmountable and that it's not her fault. But this all takes time - 15 is relatively late to find out the world isn't as you thought it was, and it's naturally going to take a long time for her (and you) to fully adjust (that said, I was diagnosed in my late 30s, so it could be worse!).

If the BTEC really isn't working out, it might be worth looking at other options as an alternative to a BTEC, like a supported internship if anything like that runs in your area too.

The other thing I'd say is don't panic - she's still young and she's got heaps of time to figure out what works best for her and to get on the right path - it will all work out eventually, it's just some people thankfully don't fit the standard cookie cutter shape!

Thank you for taking the time to write this, I feel a bit of stress evaporated already.

I will speak to her college again and look into other referrals we can obtain.

Mother of an ASD daughter here who's currently not in education due to anxiety. She was doing so well but the lack of a proper routine and the interaction with people being taken away has lead to her essentially losing her confidence. I really think people underestimate how lonely ASD people can get and how much they have to force themselves to interact with anyone including us their relatives. Everything is so difficult. Girls ...well mine for sure tends to tell me what I want to hear instead of what I need to know. She masks even with me so it's really difficult to get to the bottom of any problem.

I've had some help through autism West Midlands. They suggested I learnt more about autism and especially how it presents and effects girls. I had ten weeks of one to one zoom sessions with an autism advisor and joined a parents group. It was an eye opener. I found I'd been making the problems she was having a lot worse. She could sense my irritation when she wasn't doing so well, so she'd either shut down or tell me lies. They've also helped me apply for an ehcp for extra support in education.

Might be worth a try learning a bit more about how life really effects your daughter x

You’re not a shit parent, you’re under immense pressure, juggling all the balls, feeling anguish over how to navigate her vulnerability, MH, transition to adulthood. All in the context of COVID. So first, give yourself a break.

Secondly, I hear that some tough love is needed. Yes she is ‘nearly an adult’ but it sounds like structure and expectations of self-management skills are not enough (on your side).

I speak as a mum of a teen with ASD who has had poor mental health (and nearly crashed out of education altogether) last year.

It’s a very fine balance, but what I found changed things was banging on endlessly, about expectations. Structure. Wake times. Sleep times. I told her i was empathic to her emotional states but ultimately if she didn’t manage herself (healthy routines and behaviours, Including, ultimately her own MH) I would ‘do it for her’ by confiscating the phone etc. and sanctions for not doing e right thing (daily exercise etc).

It took a lot of determination and faith and endless repetition and we fell out and I lost it with her a few times (she survived). She is much better now and working steadily with online school (which actually suits a dd with ASD quite well).

I wonder if any of that resonates. It’s tough - especially as a lone parent (am one of those, too).

I sound like an authoritarian cow but should probably say that I negotiated healthy routines with her and she agreed schedules then tried to avoid but ultimately got sanctions for going against what she agreed.

Yes, that's familiar. I am probably expecting too much and not providing enough structure. It's really hard going, yes.

I did ask her to get dressed (down to her shoes!) and she did that. She seems more motivated at the moment, after we discussed how she could approach her workload from a different angle. The online learning is much more flexible but that's a double-edged sword, until she finds her own routine that works.

I'm autistic. It's so easy to build up barriers to tasks in your head until they become like a brick wall that's insurmountable. I'm lucky to have fantastic support in work who help me break down tasks into manageable chunks that fit with my attention span and I'm actually really productive now. Be specific with her, ask her if there's a particular task she's struggling with and if you can support her with it. Getting irritated would just make me feel shit and I'd struggle more.

She’s got to find her own ways with learning and be guided by tutors.

All you can ask is that she engages and manages herself (e.g. with the getting dressed). If you’re home you can police it even if it’s grim. I promise it will pay off. You may hate her (I frequently hated having to crack down an monitor dd, really resented it), but it has thankfully paid off.

Could she possibly take some time out and re-start again next year? Or reduce her course load? I work in a university setting and supervise what would generally be seen as very mature, ambitious, together MSc and PhD students, so all adults who are usually 25 and over. They are really struggling at the moment, many of them not able to keep normal hours, not able to do work or keep up with courses, having a hard time with mental health issues where they have never had any before. It's not an easy time to be a student. Honestly, I am a successful 40 year old and it's hard for me to get out of bed and work some days.

Would taking a step back to focus on herself help? More regular sleeping patterns, healthier eating, more time to spend with you in the evenings if you have time, etc.

I feel for you, and your fear for your daughter's ability to transition into adult life. Because this is the crunch point, isn't it? all that nose-wiping, bedtime reading, support over exams, providing decent food and keeping the show on the road was supposed to get the kids to the point where they could leave home successfully.

Well, guess what??!! - the end of education and 18th birthday doesn't magically mark the spot. In fact, as these milestones get closer, it's quite possible for adolescents to become more anxious, fearful and withdrawn as they realise decisions that will set them on pathways that could determine the course of their lives are imminent, and they don't feel equipped to make those decisions.

You don't sound like a shit mum, you sound like a really good, loving and conscientious parent, who could do with some help. I speak as mother of an adolescent/young adult (now 19) who drove me mad for two years before I got the help I needed. Which in my case, was therapy for me, and tutoring for my child.

Honestly, I would suggest you get some counselling/therapy for yourself, because you need support. Teenagers are hard, especially if you're on your own, and especially (as was the case for me, not saying this is the case for you) if you had a bit of a shit adolescence and tricky transition to adulthood yourself. No good examples in your own history to lean on.

She did well at GCSE. Maybe focus on different milestones and achievements at this point, rather than exam oriented ones? I know it's hard in lockdown, but it won't last forever. Maybe driving lessons? or learning how to do the food budget and shop? Writing a cooking blog?

Good luck, really all the best to you both. It does get better, but often you have to use different strategies from the ones that worked with the younger version.

No, I know it doesn't magically change the moment they turn 18, but I have younger children and I know the noise and chaos of their presence is a stress point for DD, and we do want her to live independently someday soon, so she has control over her environment more. It's something she wants to work towards, I understand it's a progression.

I suppose because she's my eldest I have no frame of reference or experience myself in helping a young adult launch into independence. And she is alternatively excited and scared to grow up, which means she isn't always receptive to my (possibly) ham-fisted attempts to help.

I realise your daughter has issues, but I think the key phrase is 'we found her a different course'. Did she want to do it? As for you contacting the course staff for her, no with bells on. Nor do you organise her. Tell her it's her life, her decision, you won't badger her anymore but she needs to realise that her actions will have consequences. You will help, you will give her advice on organising herself endlessly if she wants it and be there for her, but you will no longer nag. Treating her like an adult might just be the encouragement she needs. After all, in spite of her issues, when she goes into the world of work, possibly at 18, you won't be able to micromanage.

Totally agree with @Alicetheowl

If she wants to live independently - if that’s a goal she has. Something to build on. She needs to walk the walk. She can’t have it both ways. This is the conundrum for teens - the want stay cosseted and ‘make their problems other people’s’ (but school is hard, home is noisy, this is triggering, I hate my nose, yada yada..) yet, they want to ‘be independent’ ‘‘twas ever thus.

The aim is to get teens to see that working towards independence means actually being accountable. Supported but ultimately accountable.

This applies to teens with ASD as much as those without.

You were probably the same, OP, and maybe your parents shrugged and told you to get on with it. Something we modern parents tend to struggle with. I also recommend counselling.

My experience is that often young people with ASD are emotionally and socially a few years behind and it helped me (and my DD) to have have the expectations of an 11 year old with my 14 year old. This really took the heat off and created some space. I have no timeline as to when she will meet standard milestones. I just look for the little incremental steps that she is brave enough to take in her own time and these have all accumulated over the years to progress and development. Most importantly she is calm and happy. At 16 she had never sent a text to a friend but now at 19 she is making steady progress. Driving lessons were a massive boost to her self confidence. I know it’s hard. With our other children we could confidently see their path to independence. With out vulnerable child independence felt quite threatening but we will get there. The world is on hold. So many people are struggling with routine, productivity, the relentlessness and uncertainty of it all. My older DCs are just staring into the abyss of careers (one “graduated” last summer, one due to graduate this summer) .... I am happy for my DD to just potter about in education for a bit longer.

It’s v hard as a parent and you need support and insight so that you can pace yourself and give the appropriate steer for your DD.

Trust that all will be well in time with gentle support and encouragement to keep to basic routines.

I absolutely disagree with being labelled as a micromanager. I only step in when she is so frozen in place that I haven't seen her for days, or when she finally admits that she's not coping again.

I think I'll leave this thread for now - I've contacted a few organisations off the back of the advice given, DD is now in contact with her college and is feeling more productive and hopeful this afternoon.

I appreciate those who have given their support and advice.

What you are describing is very similar to what a friend of mine went through with her neuro-typical daughter. She (the daughter) lost will, drive and ability to do anything academic. Didn’t study and didn’t care. Was hard to be around, and barely communicated. Lots of arguments.

There wasn’t anything the parents could do.

So they sort of left her be. Told her it’s her life and she can chose how to live it. But after the school ends - if she doesn’t continue her studies somewhere - she’ll need to get a job and pay for at least some of her expenses. And her pocket money go away as the parents aren’t going to be just funding her lifestyle.

So the young lady got a job at a store.

After working min wage for a year she realised that life isn’t much fun when she only has a little bit of money. And when all her friends are off doing something.
She got herself to resist A-levels and into a university.

So - what I am trying to say - at that age there isn’t much you can do to force them to do anything. You can offer support and resources, but in the end she’ll need to make choices. All you can influence is amount of enabling of certain behaviours.

It's not a competition just because you manage doesn't mean she can. She is probably very much aware of her life spiralling out of control and you making her feel bad about it really won't be helping matters any.

You need to help her access MH support

You are not a shit mum, you obviously care so much!

As PP have suggested might it be worth taking some time out of education? Maybe a job once covid calms down? Part time to ease her into it, will maybe focus her mind on what she wants?