Relationship with ExPs

[changeofname21]

I have been in a relationship now for less than a year, still to meet each other's kids etc.

DP has a relationship with ex that I'm really not comfortable with. My question is, aibu?

They speak every day and she will call just for a chat or to talk about dc (obviously this is normal). They will happily discuss each other's partners etc and details that I wouldn't discuss with my own ExP for example. She will call and ask him to run errands that she can easily do herself like going to the shops to pick something up or changing lightbulbs, and he will do it. I'm not sure if it has always been like this. They had a very turbulent relationship in the past and he assures me there's nothing to this relationship and to be fair to him, is very open about it.

For the sake of comparison, ExP and I coparent well and we do speak about DC over text most days. We go to sporting events etc together without issue, it is friendly but not "OTT".

My question is, would you be comfortable with it? I don't want to tell him what to do, I'm not that kind of person, but I think this could be a dealbreaker for me.

I would really struggle with this.

Again it's hard not to come across as controlling but it would be break for me.

Iv been in this situation but it's when Iv felt it's from my partners ex not my actual partner. I believe it can be over familiar.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I believe the only contact really should be about the kids and specifically, emergency, medical and school or anything important to do with the children only.

Civil yes, over familiar, me personally wouldn't be able to deal with, it also depends on what kind of a person you are and what you went/ expect from the relationship x

A phone call everyday might be a little weird, I text/email my exh most days about the dc or reply to him but I wouldn't actually want to speak on the phone everyday. Not sure why he's running around going to the shops for her unless there is good reason but can't see by anything you've written is much to worry about.

@3rdtimemomma

I would really struggle with this.

Again it's hard not to come across as controlling but it would be break for me.

Iv been in this situation but it's when Iv felt it's from my partners ex not my actual partner. I believe it can be over familiar.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I believe the only contact really should be about the kids and specifically, emergency, medical and school or anything important to do with the children only.

Civil yes, over familiar, me personally wouldn't be able to deal with, it also depends on what kind of a person you are and what you went/ expect from the relationship x

I think this is exactly it for me. I almost feel like there's a bit of a double standard too because he would be very quick to call me out on any issue with my own ExP (and has done in the past on one occasion). And I'm okay with that, so long as we're both comfortable - but I'm not. It's definitely over familiar in my terms, but obviously I cannot tell him what to do, that's on him.

I also don't think that anything would "happen" so to speak, but I do think it feels a little like ExP flexing the muscles just to see what she can still do? Is that awful of me?

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't dial it back, dump him. It's great he co-parents well with his ex, but he doesn't need to run errands to buy lightbulbs for her.

Nope.

It's what works for you. If you aren't comfortable with it, then he's not the man for you.

The friendship part I get, but only because of my experience which was that we got together early teens and were together for 22 years, so when we split the friendship part remained (after about a year separated, not straight away) as we had quite literally grown up together. We don't speak everyday but we do chat a lot and not just about our children, I can still see funny things that make me think of him and I'll send them on and vice versa BUT I have no residual feelings and I'm guessing he doesn't either, we have also been apart for 9 years. I would however never ask him to run errands or do anything for me in terms of favours, unless it was to help the children out, so its that part that I would struggle with more than the friendship. I understand you don't want to come off as controlling, and I don't think you are being, not at all, it would make a lot of us uncomfortable. He has to understand how you're feeling and want to reassure you without feeling like he is being told he can't talk to her. Maybe the best way would be to show him your message on here? You have put it across well, it doesn't sound like you're trying to take over his life, maybe that would help him see it from your point of view?

Been there. Years down the line I found out he'd been paying for her car, credit card, holiday for her etc.. Obviously it took its toll and I left. Nothing in it and they never got back together just some men are too nice?! Deal breaker for me though

The running around after her, no not really.

I think I'd be telling him to reign it in. A wee chat every day wouldnt bother me (though I'd question if every day was a necessity) nor would him running an errand that was related to their kids but I'd be suggesting he pull it back to 'friends, rather than besties that live in eavhothers pocket'. If be couldn't give me that I'd have to walk away.

The fact is, you are not comfortable with it. So even if we were, it's not relevant as you are the one that is living with it. A partner should do all they can to make you feel secure. If he cant do the above, maybe its time to call it a day rather than play second to the ex forevermore.

My advice would be walk away if its early days. My DP was like this with his ex when we first got together 3 years ago, many calls, alot were facetimes which i felt over stepped the mark, shared days out even now he has piles of photos on his laptop of days out together with their DD even though they had separated.
I put up with it as wanted to seem cool with it but thats actually made it harder as now I voice my displeasure and he doesnt think there is an issue.

Thanks everyone for your replies - I'm glad it's not just me.

I am going to bring this up later on and it will be a case of "I'm not going to tell you to change, but this is how I feel and do with that what you want, but it's a dealbreaker for me".

I do believe that it's all innocent and an element is just keeping the peace for an easy life.

I did think about showing him the thread to be honest but I think an honest chat first is the way to go and see where that leads us. I did bring this up early doors but mulch more delicately as in didn't want to appear til be throwing my weight around, especially where kids are involved - nothing really changed.

Really appreciate all your responses.

What you have to remember is, he is NOT her partner so he shouldn't be doing any "favours" for her so to speak, others may think different.
It should be child related only.

He is the father of the children not her other half.

If you make it known it doesn't sit comfortably with you, then the ball is in his court and he knows, if he continues to do things that he KNOWS makes you upset or uncomfortable then that's his choice and that's when I think you need to question it your in the right relationship if that makes sense.

If he knows and continues, I'd say it's a problem x

They're still in an emotional relationship with each other, which is all fine and dandy if they're single but not appropriate if either of them wants a new partner.

No one's saying they should be enemies but there's a middle ground between hostility and what they're doing.

Unless these favours benefit the children then no he shouldn’t be doing them. She can change a lightbulb and go to the shop herself.

They don’t need to chat everyday unless it’s about something substantial to do with the children.

At a guess I’d say they still have feelings for each-other. He runs to her beck and call and she enjoys the fact she clicks her fingers and he’s there. I’d be telling him that any more visits (not regarding the children) and you’re gone. He has to make a choice, his kids will always come first but she is no longer his partner, you are.

@changeofname21

I have been in a relationship now for less than a year, still to meet each other's kids etc.

DP has a relationship with ex that I'm really not comfortable with. My question is, aibu?

They speak every day and she will call just for a chat or to talk about dc (obviously this is normal). They will happily discuss each other's partners etc and details that I wouldn't discuss with my own ExP for example. She will call and ask him to run errands that she can easily do herself like going to the shops to pick something up or changing lightbulbs, and he will do it. I'm not sure if it has always been like this. They had a very turbulent relationship in the past and he assures me there's nothing to this relationship and to be fair to him, is very open about it.

For the sake of comparison, ExP and I coparent well and we do speak about DC over text most days. We go to sporting events etc together without issue, it is friendly but not "OTT".

My question is, would you be comfortable with it? I don't want to tell him what to do, I'm not that kind of person, but I think this could be a dealbreaker for me.

I went on a few dates with a man who was similar, but also very involved with the ex's family too, think paying for 12 of her family members to go to Centerparcs and similar high price tag "treats" and experiences. He also used to be requested to babysit her other 3 children, who she's had with her current partner. He was lovely. But it felt too involved and I knew that I wouldn't want to be involved in this and unfortunately for him he viewed them as family. For context, she fell pregnant, a couple months into dating and they'd split up before the baby's first birthday.

Did you speak to him OP?

he would be very quick to call me out on any issue with my own ExP (and has done in the past on one occasion).

What "issue" do you mean? Did he complain that you were talking too much or too intimately to your ex? Because if so... I'd be telling him to get in the bin, bloody great hypocrite!

I did speak to him we had quite a constructive discussion about it. I laid my opinion down and he assured me he would dial it back to just the kids. I told him that if that didn't happen I would have a decision to make, that I wasn't telling him what to do, just what I was going to do for myself.

I think he could tell that I was skeptical that it would actually happen. Going to give it a few weeks and see where we are, but I was quite clear that it was a hard boundary for me.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

They're still in an emotional relationship with each other, which is all fine and dandy if they're single but not appropriate if either of them wants a new partner.

No one's saying they should be enemies but there's a middle ground between hostility and what they're doing.

Yes I think this is the point I was trying to make, what they do is up to them, but things have to change when other people get involved.

Also what concerned me more is that he didn't take issue with this arrangement, so I wanted to understand why.

I have a good relationship with my exH to the point that the three of us went on holiday abroad last year, because we knew that we both couldnt take our DD separately (we are both single). We do communicate but not every day and only when it's something to do with our DD.
I think when you separate, there needs to be a respect that you are no longer together and that you can't ask the other person for help with light bulbs! Despite my ex being really good with DIY. I would only ask in an emergency and only if it impacted upon our DD.

I have friends who go on holiday with their ex and children, or do family Christmases and birthdays, but are otherwise is separate relationships. I agree, if she has her own partner, than he should be doing the errands, but from my current situation, I can see how are why this situation would come about. After going through a breakup myself, with one daughter, this is the sort of relationship myself.

Over and above everything, my ex husband and I were great friends and had 14 years of shared history. I wouldn't want to pretend that wasn't the case at all.

I think an open and frank conversation with DP is necessary. Tell him how you feel. If he prioritises his ex over you, that is an issue.

Have you got a timescale to meet kids OP? Does his ex know about your relationship? Its often once it becomes more 'serious' that these things change, but its good to make your point now so you don't end up with this situation continuing.

Fwiw when my exh was single I would ask him for help with DIY etc, he would usually do it. Sometimes its just old habits continuing, I have no intention of getting back with him. We don't chat daily but have a few messages or a call most days, usually about the kids but sometimes there's a bit if chit chat too, a bit like with a friend/work colleague. I dont think you should feel threatened but make him aware and he should dial it back.

Well done for having that chat with him. My friend had the same problem and wasn't so "nice" with the chat. She just sat him down and launched at him when he got back from his ex after changing another light bulb his ex wife phoned him about. She just told him that if he does this one more time he is out. He quickly scaled everything back and the phone calls to him decreased from his ex and his jumping to help her at a moments notice ceased. My friend says things are much better now and they continue to be in a relationship which is flourishing now.

I saw a guy like this and it petered out. I was not able to understand how they were independent of each other. I think maybe she hoped she would have him back if he kept doing things for her. But I don't know for sure.

His ex had him on a string. They had no agreed days she just rang him in the morning to tell him he could have the kids. She never let him have them stay over. She rang him every day and was always asking him to pop round to do things on the house, pop to the shops etc.

I have always been a very independent divorcee I just couldn't understand it. I certainly never needed to be in daily contact with my ex. I was in top of everything.