Finally seen that my 'dad' doesnt care. Any good book recommendations?

[Fudgsicles]

Will try not to make this too long.

I am the result of a teen pregnancy. 'Mother' left when I was young. I never formed a primary attachment in my early years which has had an impact on my life.

I went to live with my GPs ('father's' side) and they raised me, whilst I saw my dad at weekends. I was going to be adopted by them but my dad didn't agree at the last minute.

So my relationship with my dad has never been close. I did live with him, his partner and my half siblings for a few years when I was a pre teen, but when they split, I went back to my GPs. Those years at my dad's were chaotic and unhappy.

As I've got older, he would still come and see me, birthdays, father's day, Christmas etc and other times but nothing hugely regular and we have a 'surface' relationship, nothing deep. The older I've got, the less he's bothered. It's been 2 or 3 years that he's not been in touch for my DCs birthdays, he hasn't been over for my birthday last year plus other 'usual' times I would have seen him. In this time I've been through a divorce, not once has he got in touch.

I found out a few years ago the real reason he didn't want me adopted. He was claiming my child benefit and for me living with him.

But I decided that I was under no illusions as to our relationship etc. I had noticed the less and less contact and after Christmas, I messaged him to thank him for mine and DCs presents (passed on through GPs as due to COVID this was the first year I hadnt invited him for dinner) and never got a reply, which was unusual.

Today I spoke to my nan and she told me over Christmas my dad has told her why he's not bothered so much with me, visiting and birthdays, my DCs birthdays etc. Apparently 1 year at Christmas all I bought him was a box of chocolates (ones I know he particularly likes) and they weren't a main brand, but a supermarket own. After him spending a lot more at Christmas' he decided to stop bothering with me because 1 year I bought own brand chocolate and nothing else. He apparently went to the effort of going to the supermarket and looking at the different brands of this chocolate to compare and check what I'd spent. I vaguely remember this, although not when it was. Within the last 2 or 3 years I think. He is notoriously difficult to buy presents for for various reasons and after my DCs being ignored and our relationship getting increasingly worse, I think I'd got fed up and just bought a token gift.

My list of reasons for getting increasingly fed up over the years are:
He has always favoured my siblings. Especially my youngest sister. I have always been an afterthought.
He has rarely bothered with his grandchildren and less so over the last good few years. They have now noticed.
He has borrowed money from me a few times and the last time it took 2 years to get it back. I was on sickness benefits at the time.
He never ever asks how I am or what I'm doing but cannot sing the praises of my sister enough.
I've invited him for Christmas dinner every year, not once has he brought anything or offered to contribute.
I went through a divorce 2 years ago. Not once has he contacted me to see how I am.
I've tried to get him to visit more countless times, always vague promises of 'I will' and never happened. (I couldn't visit him as he lives in a shared house with a single bedroom only so no space to visit and he's rarely home). I spent years going to see and taking part in his interests as a way of 'bonding'.

And now he's stopped bothering with me because I finally got fed up and didn't make much effort 1 year with my present (it was just the 1 year, I always put a lot of thought into presents for him usually).

My GPs have also told me that I was a cash cow to him, a way to claim benefits whilst they brought me up. He never paid maintenance or anything for me. There is a lot more, and deeper stuff, but ultimately this one, petty thing is the straw and I can see that he really doesn't give a crap about me or his GCs.

So, whilst I'm not going NC as there will be family get togethers, I'm LC and zero effort from now on. I ended up throwing his birthday card in the bin because on mine I got a message on Facebook with his 'hilarious' public joke about me being X age (older than I am). I just couldn't be bothered with the effort of posting a card to him. I'm the only one out of his 4 children who still bothers with him for father's day and his birthday. My brothers haven't for years yet they haven't been on the receiving end of this petty treatment from him.

So, from today, I'm officially LC but I'd like to read a book on something like this, a self help type thing when you've had a difficult childhood/crappy relationship with parent. Any recommendations as I don't really know where to start and I have a feeling I will wobble at times (FOG I think).

I can’t offer advice but just a my father also doesn’t care about me. I don’t contact him, he doesn’t contact me. No advice I can give - just I’m sorry, you deserved a better father!

I understand what you're saying. My child's father (exH) has a similar relationship with her and it's so destructive. Like you, she's completely aware of all his faults but it doesn't stop her longing for unconditional love. Honestly, it would probably be better if he were dead.
Following with interest for recommendations!

Thank you both. It helps to know that others get it. Part of me still stupidly thinks I am being petty and he is justified because I bought a crap present one year!

I've written a list of all the ways I've felt let down over the years. Some a bit more trivial, others not. I've got 27 points on it! I've just been googling stuff on toxic parents and one thing said to write it down so I did. It helps me to see that I'm not being petty and he's not and never will be the dad I would have wanted.

I'm just so bloody thankful for my GPs! I was about to go into foster care as a child but them taking me in stopped that.

I've always defended him too. My nan doesn't think much of him because of the way he's treated me and has said many times she doesn't know why I bother. My step sister has never thought much either and DP told me today he cannot respect him and is adamant there is more to his lack of contact than 1 mediocre present. I don't think he's wrong as it doesn't make sense. I have a feeling it's to do with my youngest sister (golden child) and the fact I have no relationship with her or her child tbh. She's definitely his favourite and would find a way to talk about her every time I saw him whilst never asking about me or my DCs. I have hardly seen my nephew and I have a feeling my dad may not be happy about that and this may be the real reason for his distance.

One I see recommended on here is Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward (I think that’s the name) Look up the golden child/scapegoat dynamic too to see if it rings any bells.

Good luck with LC OP

Thanks, I'll look that one up. Sounds familiar now you mention it.

I don't know of any specific books but follow Nate Posselthwaite on Instagram he's very clued in & the community that follows him will really help you

Thanks, I'll look him up.

I've ordered Toxic Parents and had a chat with my step sister. She is not impressed either and hasn't had any time for him for years.

it sounds to me like your father is a total user. Like you my adoptive father looks for any excuse to be offended. Not that he'll tell me what I've done wrong, I'm supposed to just know, no matter how unreasonable he is.

I gave up. I felt terribly guilty, but nothing in all this world is worth trying vainly to earn the approval of someone who simply doesn't want a relationship and actually, is actively looking for ways to think badly about you. Even a father.

It's weird. Before I would have said he is one of the least materialistic people I know and has never shown any interest in having 'things.' In fact the way he lives means he doesn't have space for much at all and doesn't have hobbies etc, hence being difficult to buy for. He never seems to get offended by stuff either (although can be pretty offensive himself - all as a 'joke' mind). His reasoning for not making an effort makes no sense to me at all. Especially as I have been the 1 child who has always made the effort, my siblings stopped a long time ago and the golden child is just on the ask all the time.

"but nothing in all this world is worth trying vainly to earn the approval of someone who simply doesn't want a relationship and actually, is actively looking for ways to think badly about you. Even a father."

This is very true! I need to remember this. I have always wanted his approval and wanted him to show that he cares about me. I've defended him for years.

I told my GPs today, that should he say anything to them about any of this they can tell him that they are my parents!

I've updated some of my siblings. 1 isn't surprised at all but like me is incredulous about it. The other had no idea and thought I was the one he bothered with, and my DCs, as he doesn't bother so much with them either. DP is unimpressed and supportive and pointed out just because he 'fathered' me doesn't make him a dad and I think this is what I've struggled to accept all these years. Just because he didn't bugger off like my mother, I always gave him credit, but he had no part in raising me or paying anything towards my upbringing. That was all my GPs and they never asked him for a penny.

@Fudgsicles it's a real shame that he is like this. I had something similar with my dad who fell out with me over nothing and then blanked me for a while. It made me finally examine what sort of a dad he was and he came up lacking. For a long time it broke me that I didn't have a relationship with him. I made peace with him in the end as it was eating away at me. But now, 7 or so years on from the falling out, I have worked through it and I am more settled. I realise he's not a good father, I'm comfortable with very very LC. He still tries to make me feel bad about things I don't do = e.g. he will say 'oh you haven't called me in months'...I honestly get a laugh out of that, he gets back the effort he puts in and I don't feel any guilt, I laugh and ask him if his phone is broken as he didn't call me.

Time will help this. I found that it was good to direct the time and effort I would have made toward him to others who do care about me - and to really take the time to appreciate what I got back from them in terms of their kindness or consideration for me.

Oh just to add. I also found that when I reduced contact in the end, and matched the effort he made (close to none) he finally clocked what he was missing, by then it was too late and that wasn't on offer any more. Sad for him but relationships are a two way street so I'm nit going to be that person who makes a big effort anymore to get very little back.

It sounds like you're getting your head around this, fudg. Sadly, understanding often comes with a heavy anchor of sadness, grief even, anger and a few other unpleasant things. It does get better in time, though, specially when you ahve people around you who love and value you.

Try Purple Dragon Mother...

I think you're doing the right thing here. He had you, he palmed you off while profiting a bit and his whole attitude stinks.

I'm the same, my dad isnt bothered. What I do now is what he does to me. No contact aside from when he writes, and I'm lucky to get a thread with two replies in it from him. So he writes to me, I reply, if he bothers to reply I then dont.

Its getting your head round it that is important. Not blaming yourself. And then maximising the positive elsewhere.

Your father is a selfish bugger, say it out loud and move on. I’d also make it clear to your grandparents that you’d rather they didn’t relay information from him because you are no longer giving him and his BS headspace.

He's incapable of being the person you want or need him to be.

What a real waste of space.

What a pity he can't be reported for fraudulently claiming for you.

Would be lovely to see him thrown in jail.
He sounds like a terrible excuse of a man.

Your GP's sound like good people.
They must be so disappointed in what they reared in him.

He's not worth your head space.

You sound great OP.

@candide47

Oh just to add. I also found that when I reduced contact in the end, and matched the effort he made (close to none) he finally clocked what he was missing, by then it was too late and that wasn't on offer any more. Sad for him but relationships are a two way street so I'm nit going to be that person who makes a big effort anymore to get very little back.

This is exactly where I am going with it now. I'm the ONE child who made the effort and would never let him be alone at Christmas. The others won't invite him and his father's days and birthdays will devoid any anything from any of his children. He'll realise. Too little too late.

"He's incapable of being the person you want or need him to be"

I think I need to add the things like this from this thread, to my list. It will help if I ever feel like I'm having a wobble.

"Your GP's sound like good people.
They must be so disappointed in what they reared in him.

He's not worth your head space.

You sound great OP."

Thank you 😊. My GPs aren't perfect (DGD very strict and old fashioned, also thinks a woman's place is in the home) but they did their best. My DGM is definitely extremely disappointed in her son and doesn't really want to have anything to do with him. She will though, she is incapable of cutting off a family member, but I know she doesn't think much of him and is not happy at all with the way he is to me. I used to defend him to her as well!

I have no experience of this OP (though have read many similar harrowing stories on MN, usually about mothers) but I just wanted to say you are not being petty and he sounds like a shit father and a selfish crap person. Good on you for reducing your efforts to his level.

You sound lovely - it is not your fault you ended up with crap parents and is no reflection on you as a person. Good luck to you x

@DisappearingGirl

I have no experience of this OP (though have read many similar harrowing stories on MN, usually about mothers) but I just wanted to say you are not being petty and he sounds like a shit father and a selfish crap person. Good on you for reducing your efforts to his level.

You sound lovely - it is not your fault you ended up with crap parents and is no reflection on you as a person. Good luck to you x

Thank you very much. After my 'mother' leaving, it took me years to see that this was not a reflection on me and here I am again. These days I know myself better though and I can definitely see that this is all on him and I don't blame myself in any way.

So sad that you’ve been let down so badly by the very people who are supposed to protect and care about you the most - your parents. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you over the years to come to terms with both your dm leaving you, and you trying to form a relationship with a disinterested father. I’ve had a fractured relationship with my DF, but at least my dm was there for me, but it’s still been difficult. I tried too hard , and I think he couldn’t cope with my ‘neediness’ to keep him in my life. You sound a lovely level headed person OP, and you have definitely made the right decision.

Thank you. I agree. I shouldn't be giving him any headspace as he clearly doesn't for me.