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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner watches a lot of porn

27 replies

TalkToTheHand123 · 13/01/2021 21:13

My partner seems to watch a lot of porn. It's always in the history when I'm using his laptop or phone. Is this ok? or should I tell him it's not?

OP posts:
LionelMessy · 13/01/2021 23:05

Only you can decide if OK.

Offer to watch it with him tomorrow night, and maybe it will lose its appeal if he a little embarrassed!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 23:10

Is it okay with you? If not then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks is okay. Your boundaries are your own to decide. I wouldn’t be happy with it.

Have you talked about porn use with him in the past?

Fran856 · 13/01/2021 23:57

Doesn’t bother me long as it’s not interfering with his life or behaviour/ sex life in any way

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 00:04

It definitely depends how often. Is it everyday? Does it affect your sex life or the way he views you?

jeaux90 · 14/01/2021 00:06

I hate porn. Not because I'm a prude but because it often shows degradation of women (at best)

You have to decide whether you can tolerate it or not.

If he's using porn hub or similar then I think you need to educate him on some of the facts about the kind of abuse (rape) that this platform enables.

Anothernick · 14/01/2021 07:48

From a man's perspective I think you need to look at this on two levels, the practical and the ethical.

Are you happy with your sex life? Is he ready willing and able to do what you want when you want it? Does he feel the same about you? If the answers to these questions is yes then there is nothing to worry about on the practical level.

As others have said, only you can decide on your attitude to the ethics of porn. A lot of it - though not all - is exploitative.

For most men porn is just wank fantasies, it does not undermine their relationship with their SO.

Lady089 · 14/01/2021 08:30

I think overuse of porn is damaging in a relationship. If it’s affecting his sex life, then it is a problem.

ThisTooShallBe · 14/01/2021 08:33

What does it matter what other people think is ok? Can’t you think for yourself OP?

Glitterinthegrey · 14/01/2021 08:43

The two important questions to ask yourself (IMO) are:

How does it make you feel?

and

Is it having an adverse effect on your relationship?

I don't look my husband's search history. I know his passwords, and could check his phone/tablet, but choose not to. I would be naive to think he doesn't look at porn, and I don't have any reason to be concerned, so I don't look.

Maybe just remind him to clear his search history in future.

Rockinmomma · 14/01/2021 10:04

As others have said, it’s about how you feel and your boundaries. But does it affect your sex life? Or his attitude to sex?
My ExH watched porn every day and it wasn’t a major issue BUT our sex life was shit.... great for him but it was so one sided and.... porn like. It’s hard to describe. There was no tenderness or love, it was just jackhammer sex. There are now things that trigger anxiety attacks, acts I associate with degradation
My DP says he doesn’t watch porn, we often talk about the treatment of women within the industry and how many young boys are educated by porn. I don’t like it but I believe in free will and communication in a relationship

Babdoc · 14/01/2021 10:10

A man who watches the abuse, humiliation, torture and degradation of trafficked women, for entertainment is not someone I would even consider as a partner, OP, but only you can decide what you find “acceptable”.

Original poster
TalkToTheHand123 · 14/01/2021 10:29

It matters as I like to know what other people think and helps me to view things differently.

I can usually tell when he's been watching it as it gets him more 'up for it' and the sex is usually better than when he doesn't.

OP posts:
WhereHaveAllTheUsernamesGone · 14/01/2021 10:43

Better in what way? My experience is that it makes men/sex boring and disconnected.

MsConstrue · 14/01/2021 10:43

It's not ok for me, and I wouldn't be with someone who does it. But you need to decide for yourself.

MsConstrue · 14/01/2021 10:44

@Babdoc

A man who watches the abuse, humiliation, torture and degradation of trafficked women, for entertainment is not someone I would even consider as a partner, OP, but only you can decide what you find “acceptable”.
Yes this - but if the fact that he is better at sex after watching all of this turns you on, then there's no hope is there.
MixMatch · 14/01/2021 11:06

@Babdoc

A man who watches the abuse, humiliation, torture and degradation of trafficked women, for entertainment is not someone I would even consider as a partner, OP, but only you can decide what you find “acceptable”.
100%. Even if an individual woman consented to being degraded, I find it so chilling and disturbing that a man (or anyone else) would derive pleasure from watching this and believes it's ok for another human to be treated like that. There's absolutely no way I would want to be in a relationship with that person.

At the end of the day people accept all kinds of things in relationships, rape, physical abuse, verbal abuse etc. What other people accept or normalise shouldn't determine what you accept OP. A whole host of heinous things have been widely accepted by societies because a lot of people are sheep who just go along with what others do/think. Not having your own moral compass can set you down a dangerous path...

ThisTooShallBe · 14/01/2021 11:39

He gets turned on by viewing the degradation of women and that makes sex better for you. He knows you are complicit in this as he leaves it in his history and you’ve not challenged him. Think about it. View it differently by all means - from the perspective of trafficked women, DV victims, your daughter being catcalled and kerb crawled, HIS daughter being one of those women in what he is viewing. View it in terms of respect, kindness, backbone. How is it in any way OK? For men or women to accept porn? For him or you?

Glitterinthegrey · 14/01/2021 11:40

Is it really fair to say all porn involves degradation, violence etc? I'm not sure it is.

ThisTooShallBe · 14/01/2021 11:49

Porn which is ‘male gaze’ ie focused on what’s happening to the woman, what the man is doing to her, is degrading to the woman. She’s an object being used and abused. Add in choking, slapping etc and you have Pornhub porn. I don’t see that it matters if not ALL porn is degrading or violent. Why is ANY of it like that?

Glitterinthegrey · 14/01/2021 12:11

No, obviously it shouldn't be, I'm not suggesting otherwise.
I'm just not sure we should be assuming that OP's partner is into the violence or turned on by that. He may well be watching very ordinary non violent porn.

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 12:25

If it's making the sex better not worse, then maybe I'd just leave him too it. The only thing is, that may lead to you having thoughts like 'am I not good enough' and that's not healthy in a relationship.

You cant tell him not to do it. That isnt your decision any more than it would be if he wanted or not. You can tell him you arent comfortable with it and see if he cuts down, but he may just hide it better.

I think you need to decide if it's just an unacceptable thing for you or not. And if so, walk away.

How is he in other ways?
Respectful of you and women in general?

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 12:27

*anymore than it would be if he wanked or not

ThisTooShallBe · 14/01/2021 12:46

@Glitterinthegrey true, he may be getting off to The Joy of Sex 😂. Only the OP knows what she is comfortable with and only she can find out more about the style of porn the ‘man’ in question uses. I was giving a different view, as requested.

I just don’t get though how any woman can compare herself to her DP’s porn and think ‘i’m Not good enough’. Good enough for whom? For that unimaginative wank stain who uses porn? Waaay better than him!

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 16:38

@Glitterinthegrey

Is it really fair to say all porn involves degradation, violence etc? I'm not sure it is.
I agree. There’s a lot of amateur couples that make video, this is usually called porn for women. It’s usually the same two people, they kiss a lot and have a lot of passion.
sickofit39 · 17/01/2021 00:31

[quote ThisTooShallBe]@Glitterinthegrey true, he may be getting off to The Joy of Sex 😂. Only the OP knows what she is comfortable with and only she can find out more about the style of porn the ‘man’ in question uses. I was giving a different view, as requested.

I just don’t get though how any woman can compare herself to her DP’s porn and think ‘i’m Not good enough’. Good enough for whom? For that unimaginative wank stain who uses porn? Waaay better than him![/quote]
Thank you 😊
I needed to hear that ❤️

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