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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dealing with arguments

48 replies

PurpleStreak10 · 13/01/2021 17:01

If your other half dealt with minor arguments by not talking to you for anywhere up to a week, in what circumstances would you put up with this?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 13/01/2021 22:56

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/

Show him this. His behaviour is recognised as one that ends relationships. This has info on what to do if you are a stonewaller.

If he responds with anything but keen interest to this, leave him. He doesn't care about your feelings.

seensome · 13/01/2021 23:08

He's behaviour is extreme, no speaking to you for a week over something minor, most mature people would just sort it out in a few hours.
Stop allowing this behaviour would be my best advice, don't be available to him when he finally wants to talk he is making something minor into a major. He really needs a wake up call to stop this and it may mean losing you.

Inaseagull · 13/01/2021 23:13

How are the silences broken?
Do you try to communicate with him during this time?
Is the issue that prompted the silence ever brought up again and resolved?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 23:26

It’s good you’ve realised it’s not acceptable OP. It’s horrible toxic behaviour and cruel and you deserve so much better.

Original poster
PurpleStreak10 · 13/01/2021 23:45

@Inaseagull I'll try and make contact a few times during that period and he'll eventually reply like nothings happened. Issue never gets resolved.

OP posts:
malbecchio · 13/01/2021 23:52

Do you each have kids but not together? And he lives with his mum?

Fran856 · 13/01/2021 23:55

Ok hands up I do this

If my partner has upset me I will not speak to him for up to a week and we have 3 children , I never make it known to the children we aren’t speaking (they are very young) but I’m so stubborn it’s just the way.I am , he is also very stubborn but will try to speak to me occasionally.
I’m intrigued by those saying it’s abusive ? I’ve never seen it this way maybe you could elaborate?
I know it’s a bad trait but didn’t realise it was that bad

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 00:09

@Fran856

Ok hands up I do this

If my partner has upset me I will not speak to him for up to a week and we have 3 children , I never make it known to the children we aren’t speaking (they are very young) but I’m so stubborn it’s just the way.I am , he is also very stubborn but will try to speak to me occasionally.
I’m intrigued by those saying it’s abusive ? I’ve never seen it this way maybe you could elaborate?
I know it’s a bad trait but didn’t realise it was that bad

Google stonewalling emotional abuse for lots of articles about why.

Here's an example quote:

"What is harmful about stonewalling is the person who is silent has more of the power. They are the one that is deciding when the relationship will come back into connection. That's why it is harmful for the relationship, it's an imbalance of power."

You say the kids don't notice, so is your plan to just stop suddenly in the next year or so when they 100% will start to?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 00:10

And FYI not speaking to the kids' other parent for up to a week under the same roof is not healthy parenting. At all.

Anordinarymum · 14/01/2021 00:20

My husband used to do this when I refused to have sex. He wanted it all the time and I didn't. I did want to but not every night. When I said no he would not speak to me for days and it always ended up with me apologising to stop the horrible atmosphere in the house.
It is a form of control and was just one of the reasons we are no longer together.
It stifles the joy out of life, and when he did it I realised I did not know him and at first I felt awfully guilty, but after years of this behaviour and other stuff I realised I could not grow old with this man as we were incompatible and life would only get worse.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 14/01/2021 00:55

My EX did this - he once went 6 weeks without talking to me. When he finally decided to speak to me again I booted him out Grin

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/01/2021 01:11

I was just reading about conflict management and it said that if you need to take a break from an argument it should be minimum of 20 mins and a maximum of 24 hours to calm down and soothe yourself. Up to a week is a bit much.

If your DP is so wound up and ‘flooded’ from your arguments that they need a week to recover, I’d suggest that you’re not compatible.

everythingbackbutyou · 14/01/2021 02:55

Controlling, abusive asshole. Consider yourself extremely fortunate he is making his true self clear now. As I discovered, it is MUCH harder to leave after marriage and children. In any future relationships (if I choose to have one at all as I am so traumatized by my marriage) I would accept this behaviour again under no circumstances. Is he really lovely the rest of the time?

harknesswitch · 14/01/2021 09:33

The problem with him then snapping out of it is that the issue will never get resolved.

So you see, by him sulking he gets to control what he does regarding the outcome of the disagreement, but also how you behave. It's a win win for him and a lose lose for you.

This is not how a healthy relationship functions. It's toxic

Colourmeclear · 14/01/2021 19:50

My ex used to seem deliriously happy whilst ignoring me, definitely not as though he was dealing with any heavy emotions regarding the conflict. How does he seem when ignoring you?

Odile13 · 14/01/2021 19:55

I think it’s awful behaviour. I think I’d struggle to cope with it because I always want to talk things out straight away and never go to bed angry or with things unresolved. I’m guessing he’s copying behaviour he saw growing up?

Motnight · 14/01/2021 20:09

He is training you not to disagree with him.

3rdNamechange · 14/01/2021 20:21

I wouldn't. I haven't. It happened once , it hasn't happened again , I said if it does I'm gone and I will be. Don't need that crap.

Woahisme · 14/01/2021 20:54

You see, I'd just tell him straight "if you want to play silly buggers and be on your own, you can sod right off" and dump him. You do not have to accept this.

Woahisme · 14/01/2021 20:55

My ex did this to me. Its pathetic.

omg35 · 14/01/2021 20:57

Not even once. I lived with someone who treated me like that for too long. It's abusive and torturous

gannett · 14/01/2021 20:58

[quote PurpleStreak10]@Inaseagull I'll try and make contact a few times during that period and he'll eventually reply like nothings happened. Issue never gets resolved. [/quote]
A week's worth of silent treatment is intolerable and then to not even resolve the issue? An issue that he needed a whole week to think about, and you don't even get closure on it? Nooooooo.

I appreciate that going into oneself is some people's way of processing conflict but in any relationship you want to keep - this applies to family and friends too - you're not at leisure to do it at your pace without thinking of the other person who's left stewing.

Original poster
PurpleStreak10 · 14/01/2021 22:43

@Colourmeclear From what I can tell he just carries on business as usual whilst he's not talking to me.

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