Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Trust - can you ever regain it, and how?

21 replies

MacNacFeegle · 13/01/2021 15:51

I found out very recently that now-ExP has betrayed me - not full-on cheating (online in a variety of ways) but more than enough and over a long enough period for me to immediately end things and kick him out. This was as a result of his own acknowledged issues and despite me giving him a chance to be fully honest, he was too cowardly to take it, citing ‘privacy’.

I’m now grieving the future we were planning. I’m still very angry, but also feel quite calm/numb which I’m aware is likely to crack at some point. I know I have done the right thing, I’m capable of being very cold and logical and my main feeling at the moment is anger around the disruption to future plans, and to my life in terms of stress and ability to focus (thus affecting work and so on).

My question is this: as he didn’t take the chance to be honest with me, thus showing me how much he really valued our relationship, I don’t have any plans to fix things, but he is desperate to. I really want to know how anyone could expect to rebuild trust that has been broken to this degree. Is it even possible? Is he mad for thinking it is? Bearing in mind he hasn’t suggested how he would do this, so I assume he doesn’t have any ideas either…

I’m the sort of person who needs all the information, good and bad, so I can feel as much in control as possible and make an informed decision, so I need suggestions of how you would go about rebuilding trust without policing someone’s every move online, in order for me to understand or even just refute these in my own head. I’m hoping talking about this will help me to move on. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Fran856 · 13/01/2021 16:17

I think it depends on your own personal
Boundaries

What has he done op?

I’m with you on this it’s very hard and I don’t have an answer , I seperated for 6 months with my partner of 11 years after discovering online messages to prostittues it’s definitely not something easy it destroys the soul

Wanderlusto · 13/01/2021 16:32

Not mad, just doesn't see you as there for anything other than serving his needs. Views you like an object, no real remorse for what he has done because your feelings don't matter. Just sorry he got caught.

How does he expect you to move forwards? He expects you to accept that he treated you like shit and forgive him and be a doormat. He has no intention of changing himself. He is quite frankly so arrogant that he just expects you to roll over and take it.

Unfortunately, some people are just wired that way.

On the off chance they do start making suggestions like couples counciling, these are usually just lip service to placate you into giving them another chance and it never come into fruition. Even if it did, you cant council basic human empathy into a person, or respect for others. He just doesnt have any for you. So you gotta have it for yourself and bin him off.

Wanderlusto · 13/01/2021 16:37

Basically: you DONT go about rebuilding trust with someone who is not trustworthy.

It is not up to you to regain trust. It is up to him to prove he is trustworthy. Though I dont see any way he could do this if he didnt come clean about what he had done wrong until you caught him. He continued to systematically disrespect and lie to you. It wasnt one poor offhand decision.

That isnt a good man. And it isn't someone you should ever 'work on trusting' ever again.

AmywithanL · 13/01/2021 16:45

Wanderlusto
It is not up to you to regain trust. It is up to him to prove he is trustworthy

I love this sentence. Never thought of it this way...

Febo24 · 13/01/2021 17:27

Similar here, and my husband has now moved out and we're separated.

The thing I go back to all the time is that I didn't think I had the full story and he wasn't prepared to do any of the things I needed for trust to be built back up.

At the end of the day I realised it was going to be down to me to do all the work, and that's not how it should be.

QuentinWinters · 13/01/2021 17:43

wanderlusto is spot on

Sssloou · 13/01/2021 17:50

There is no trust to rebuild because the trust you had wasn’t real in the first place. He was deceptive for a very long time throughout your RS - you metaphorically held a gun to his head asking for truth and he chose not to give you this.

So no trust ever existed. He is not capable of truth or trust. That’s who he is today, what he has been throughout your relationship and what he would be in your future. He is desperate to reclaim what he has lost - but only because he was caught - and we all know he isn’t capable of it.

I don’t know what your future plans were - if they were a children with him then know that you have dodged a bullet and your future children deserve a much more emotionally safe upbringing than he could provide.

It’s really tough. Cut all communication and information about him from your life as this will continue to derail you. It’s a waste of your life. There is only one destination for you to emotionally recover from this and he’s not in it....don’t let him delay your healing.

Original poster

MacNacFeegle · 13/01/2021 18:15

Thank you all. Lots of wise words that are helping a lot to articulate my feelings, esp @Wanderlusto. My head is clear, it's just that it's so hurtful and disappointing. I thought this one was a decent man, and in a lot of ways he is much better than various exes, but this is a line crossed and all the good things don't make up for betrayal of trust.

@Febo24 I think this is how I feel - if we got back together (we won't, don't worry!) all the work would be on me and I would resent him for that.

@Sssloou You're right about the trust not being real, and this is why I feel so stupid and embarrassed with myself.

OP posts:

celticmissey · 13/01/2021 18:19

I reluctantly took back a cheater for several months - but to be honest he never seemed to try too hard to regain my trust. It was like a slow crushing of my soul and I recently gave up and ended it.It takes a lot of energy to make it work and in the end I realised I was just done........

Seadad · 13/01/2021 19:38

OP - Trust is often compared to a plate - once broken it can be stuck back together but will never be the same. I think its more organic than that. I think tryst grows over time - like a tree in the garden. Some things can damage trust - and lop off big branches. But in the right conditions things can grow back. Other betrayals can just leave a stub where a tree once stood. Small shoots can grow from it - but the tryst us all but gone.
You have to decide how great your tree was, what has been lost, and what can be regrown from what is left.
And if its about starting again- then it starts small and grows over time - every time.
I'm so sorry you've been betrayed, and I hope you find a healthier relationship and the space and time to grow something better x

Seadad · 13/01/2021 19:40

*Tryst/trust - sausage fingers!!

Sssloou · 13/01/2021 22:34

You're right about the trust not being real, and this is why I feel so stupid and embarrassed with myself.

Why would you feel stupid and embarrassed? You were lied to and deceived for years. You couldn’t have known the truth. Consider yourself v smart and proud for taking action once you knew of the long term betrayal and lies.

anewlifeawaits · 14/01/2021 02:25

Did you catch him out or did he tell
You himself?

Says a lot about how they are as a person and how they view or respect your relationship

I've had years of trust issues on and off and just had the final straw situation and I'm done.

My not dear h only told me the truth or his version of because he's been caught out,not because he chose this particular time to tel ll me.

Says a lot and makes me more angrier if I'm honest than anything else after years of it.

If you don't feel he will make enough of an effort to regain your trust walk away op.

Trust me it's not worth the heartache and mess to clear up after.

I should have set a boundary the first time and I was bloody stupid and didn't. I honestly believed he wouldn't put me in that position again after I told him how it makes me feel and what it does to our relationship and marriage but he obviously didn't respect or believe what I said so he has to deal with the consequences of losing his home,kids wife and family as he knows it.

anewlifeawaits · 14/01/2021 02:26

And don't feel embarrassed op.

I have moments like that and then remember I'm not responsible for his behaviour so don't feel bad about what he's caused.
Trust me nobody else will think it

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/01/2021 02:31

Nope.

category12 · 14/01/2021 06:19

No idea. I tried but my ex was never trustworthy enough to be able to find out.

I would say that it's not worth it. Incredibly painful and destructive to yourself, and trying to trust someone who has proven themself untrustworthy.

Heapsy35 · 14/01/2021 07:24

I think trust can definitely come back but you are unlikely to ever forget or fully recover from what he has done.

My husband has abused that trust twice and I was an idiot on how I handled it.
I can't regret what I did as I wouldn't have had my son had we split up, but I will always live with the knowledge that he had that little respect and love for me that he could behave the way he did.
That will never leave me and he has never been able to understand why I can't let it go.

My husband didn't kiss someone else/have sex with them etc, he flirted with one friend and spent time with her knowing that both wanted more and I expect on the brink of taking it further, and then he shared a bed with another woman, cuddling and then exchanging messages discussing how things could be different if they both weren't married. He then tried to reconnect with her after I told him he was never to speak to her outside work again.

I remember feeling numb and then angry and then so worthless that I turned to the only place I had felt valued without having to tell anyone what he had done to me..... I turned to him. Crazy right!

category12 · 14/01/2021 07:37

@heapsy35 You believe it was just cuddling in bed?

Heapsy35 · 14/01/2021 07:48

@category12 I do. The messages between them discussed enough in detail to know it didn't go further, but they both wanted it to and had they had more to drink it probably would have.
It will be forever engraved in my memory.
And its silly as I don't feel a lack of trust with him now (5 years later) but it knocked our foundations even more (first incident was 18 months in, 2nd was 9 years in) and I don't think we will ever fully recover.

gannett · 14/01/2021 09:44

If a DP broke my trust and hoped to regain it I'd expect him to do serious WORK. I don't mean apologies or gifts, that's meaningless - I mean mental and psychological work on themselves. A deep understanding of why he did it and what he's going to do to keep from doing it again. "I don't know why" isn't good enough.

Even then trust is about what I feel and if for whatever reason I still don't feel it - there's no point moving backwards.

One thing's for sure, I'm not going to endure living a paranoid life of checking messages and emails. I would never do that to myself. That's the worst of all worlds.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/01/2021 13:58

he hasn’t suggested how he would do this

The problem is that he's repeatedly deceived you, but any possible solution would lie in him addressing what he needs to do - and it's just not there is it?

Even counselling won't work if he's not truly engaged with it, and if the will isn't there in these early days of discovery I doubt he'll have a eureka moment any time soon (though he may pretend to have to talk you round)

You've already made the hardest decision in ending it, so personally I'd stick with that and work through the rest rather than chancing it again on someone who just won't make the effort

Flip