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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed

8 replies

NamechangedHelpPlease · 13/01/2021 14:59

I have been in a relationship for just over 18 months. Great fun, great sex then covid and live apart and not seen much of each other apart form odd weekends when rules relaxed etc.

The relationship has always felt like their was something hanging over it. He was with ex for 10 years and really loved her. He spent months trying to get back with her before realising it was over and months later dating me. He says he loves me but it doesn't feel like he is in love with me. He lists what he likes about me.

I have ended it. He said take care. I think I have made a massive mistake but there was something missing all along.

Help sought. I feel lost, really tearful and think I have thrown away something that was good but my constant comparing or thinking what it should be like is wearing.

Please be nice. Feeling fragile.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 13/01/2021 15:14

He begged his ex, whilst he says 'take care', to you. Its a kick in the teeth, but, I think you have been right about this, and done the right thing, though it hurts.
If you and he were as deep as you would of liked it to be, you would of formed a bubble by now and not have been satisfied with just the odd weekend, there would of been more enthusiasm from him to sustain it. Any less than weekly, and a relationship becomes unsustainable as time passed.
Be proud that you've not settled, that's one step closer to getting what you do want in the end, and it's not him. He has a bigger problem than you do going forward if he can't move on from what is past, but you will get there, because you have more respect for yourself than he had for himself.

Ianar · 13/01/2021 15:21

You made the right decision.

Unicornamy · 13/01/2021 15:22

So sorry OP, I see why you feel this way. I’ve almost been in this sort of situation. I think you should have bubbled up with him when the rules were relaxed.
Having said that, a man who is divorced and as you described it wanted to get back with his ex won’t readily fall in love, I don’t think.
While I think you should have held out until after all this Covid and lockdown malarkey, it’s kind of nice that you haven’t settled and that you have stuck to your standards.

Divorce affects men just as it does us. So while he may truly like you he may still kind be holding back.
If you regret your actions, still keep in touch with him and see how things pan out- I’d even suggest a walk if that possible. 🤗

SilverSparkle · 13/01/2021 18:53

If “take care” was all he had to say then it tells you all you need to know. Sounds like your gut feeling was right and you made the right decision x

MrsGlitterSparklesHun · 13/01/2021 18:56

Maybe he said 'take care' because he went through constant rejection with his ex and didn't want to put himself through that again rather than it being a reflection on his feelings for you? Either way, you weren't happy and felt something wasn't right so its probably for the best.

Original poster
NamechangedHelpPlease · 13/01/2021 22:04

@Opentooffers

He begged his ex, whilst he says 'take care', to you. Its a kick in the teeth, but, I think you have been right about this, and done the right thing, though it hurts. If you and he were as deep as you would of liked it to be, you would of formed a bubble by now and not have been satisfied with just the odd weekend, there would of been more enthusiasm from him to sustain it. Any less than weekly, and a relationship becomes unsustainable as time passed. Be proud that you've not settled, that's one step closer to getting what you do want in the end, and it's not him. He has a bigger problem than you do going forward if he can't move on from what is past, but you will get there, because you have more respect for yourself than he had for himself.
Thank you. Feeling so sad right now though.
OP posts:
Original poster
NamechangedHelpPlease · 13/01/2021 22:06

@MrsGlitterSparklesHun

Maybe he said 'take care' because he went through constant rejection with his ex and didn't want to put himself through that again rather than it being a reflection on his feelings for you? Either way, you weren't happy and felt something wasn't right so its probably for the best.
You are right. He was rejected before and it affected him badly. The take care was in response to my take care after I explained how I felt. I just thought he might have something to say (anything to say) but he just didn't.

I don't think I will find anyone else, I won't even look. I really think it is less hurtful and easier to stay single.

OP posts:
bebarkered · 14/01/2021 08:32

Hi OP. Of course you'll meet someone else! You'll meet someone that loves, respects, and, puts you first. This guy not the one. I know how painful this is for you, I've been through the exact same thing myself X

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