I separated from my dp of 17 years about a year ago at my instigation. He had always liked a drink but over the years this increased until every night from 8pm onwards he would start to drink and carry on until the early hours. He never became violent or argumentative but I could feel myself bristling every time he got up and went into the kitchen and I could hear the vodka glugging into his glass.
If ever I mentioned I thought he was drinking too much he would turn it around saying I was being controlling and why shouldn't he relax with a drink?
He still managed to hold down a job and never ever was late for work or missed a day so argued that the drink wasn't affecting his life. I became more and more fed up and eventually gave him an ultimatum. Me or the drink. He did not like this and I felt a distinct change in our relationship to the extent that I was sure he was seeing somebody from work. He eventually admitted this was the case. I had thought he was meeting up with his friends to watch football in the pub on a Saturday ( pre Covid) when in fact he had been meeting up with a colleague. He claimed it had just been an emotional affair and he had felt unwanted by me. He begged me to change my mind and cried for months for me to take him back ( he had moved out to live with family). But I stood firm. I would never be able to trust him again.
Anyway that is the background . I have not wavered in my decision to split up He has since not had his contract renewed so is jobless, on Universal Credit and is living in a small rented flat. He pays no heed to Covid restrictions, just does as he wants, sees who he wants and has anybody in the flat who he wants, no social bubbles for him.
My question is why is it still eating me up that he appears to be now having a jolly life and I am left bringing up 2 dc with special needs ( not his dc but has treated them as such all these years).
I don't want him back, I really don't, but it really upsets me that despite saying how much he loved me he has now moved on and seems to have had a succession of girlfriends ( always manages to drop something into the conversation to let me know). He says " well I don't do being alone very well".
I guess I wouldn't feel so bad if I had my own distractions but this is impossible at the minute what with lockdown, my age ( mid 50's) and being unable to leave my dc with anybody.
He seems to be able to pick women up so easily from Facebook and various forums. I don't mind admitting I am jealous. But why? I don't want him back just can't stand the thought of him being with somebody else. Charming them with his banter and good sense of humour which was what attracted him to me all those years ago. I even constantly check WhatsApp to see if he is online. It's not healthy, he doesn't deserve that space in my head. Why am I feeling like this?
Why then am I eaten up by the fact that I know