How do you cope with different sex drives?

[NotAnotherBoxOfThorntons]

I've been with DP for 5 years, were engaged and own a house together and he has a DD from a previous relationship.

We've always had mismatched sex drives, even very early on he avoided the subject and didn't try to make the first move. At the beginning, I thought this was lovely and very gentleman like of him. There was no pressure, he genuinely wanted to get to know me which I loved.

Once we'd initially started having sex, we were at it like rabbits for 3/4 times per week. However that quickly faded, to once a week, then it was getting to every other weekend etc. About 2 years ago it came to a head, I said I felt unattractive and unwanted and it was ruining my self esteem. He promised to make more of an effort but did say that he'd never really had much of a sex drive. He remembered being 15, all the other guys at school gagging for it but he wasn't that interested.

Lately it's becoming less frequent and I don't have the energy to bring it up with him, he gets embarrased and is very apologetic but I won't force him. I initiated sex the other day and he responded (he usually does, to be fair) but he couldn't cum. He's very picky... can't do it if it's too hot, too cold, if he's too tired, if he can't get the right angle etc. I've not decided to give up completely. I'm happy with him in every other aspect though, he's perfect apart from this.

Porn could be a problem, I've caught him on it at the beginning of our relationship but I genuinely don't think that's the problem. I'm always home and his sex drive has always been low.

Is/has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? Can a relationship survive based on such little sex?

Did you say were engaged?
It's a big problem unfortunately, I had this with my previous relationship, fortunately not living together, it drove me mad and felt very unattractive, it's one of the reasons the relationship failed because putting up with no sex, affection isn't good enough.
You will always be frustrated unless he's willing to improve it.

Can't see an issue here. Make it once a week every Saturday like date night where u both make an effort.

How long would you go not having sex if you didn't initiate?

How often is your ideal and how often is his? Depends on whether one or both of you are willing to compromise.

It’s why I’m in the spare bed, contemplating divorce. And with an 8 year old to look after (amazed we managed to conceive him, tbh). If it’sa problem now, it’lle worse with children. Move on

We're engaged, yes. No wedding scheduled for any time soon though.

I'm not sure how long we'd go without having sex for if I didn't initiate, he does make an effort so weeks don't go by but I can tell he doesn't enjoy it. He's just going through the motions.

My ideal amount would be 3 times per week where as his would probably be once, maybe twice a month?

One of my concerns if conceiving, I have PCOS which makes it difficult to know when I'm ovulating anyway but with the sex so sporadic it'll prove to be difficult

How old are you both?

Is he on any medication? Had his hormones tested? If there’s no biological problem, and even if there is, you could try sex therapy with a good therapist.

I'm 27 and he's 35, he did previously test low for testosterone (he went to the Dr as he was always tired) but he's not any supplements or anything.

This sounds very similar to what happened with my ex. We were at it like rabbits initially but it soon dwindled to a few times a year. He also had great difficulty ejaculating with me. Porn was the problem and we eventually broke up.

You are not compatible.

No need to blame each other - it is what it is.

I don’t think such polarised sex drives can meet a compromise that would work for either of you.

As you are already experiencing - the lack of and then the way he behaves when you are having sex - is eroding you sloooowly. The frustration, leads to resentment leads to contempt as your needs are not met.

His sex drive with likely continue to diminish as he ages and your desire to have a child will be thwarted. Don’t put yourself through this. Also he already has a child.

Lots of alarm bells ringing, (previous?) porn habit, low testosterone - but not resolved (was that his choice?).

Does he have emotional intimacy issues more generally? What’s his relationship history and do you know why it didn’t work out with the mother of his child?

So he has low testosterone and isnt doing anything about that. I bet he didnt explain his low sex drive to the doctor.

I understand the concerns about PCOS.

Its really up to you. He told you who he was (not massively fussed by sex) a long time ago and you decided he would change?! Or something else?! And stuck with it.

Its really up to you and whether you find it acceptable.
I would stop worrying about whether he finds you attractive, he has told you, sex just isnt a huge thing. Some women are the same. Lots of men are the same. Especially passed 30 when testosterone naturally starts to tail off...

If it really isnt for you, and you think you would prefer to find someone who wants it 3 times a week forever (no matter how tired you are with the kids, etc) then look for greener grass. There are downsides to someone withba high sex drive, too, try not to overlook that.

I would think about it all really carefully though. He is unlikely to change and if it really isnt for you, you should move on.

FWIW my partner is the same, with the exception that when he wants it he tends to initiate and no problems with getting to the end... ive learnt to accept its just his low drive, he has sleep apnoea and is constantly exhausted.
I went through the phase of thinking it was personal but as he is so affectionate otherwise and loving i came to accept his explanation and we have peace. And quite often im thankful of drifting straight to sleep with a cuddle!!

Op, man here. If your partner is not depressed/overly stressed, is sleeping well, is not using "other means" to deal with his sex drive, I would strongly advise to explore his low testosterone levels further. Did the GP just leave it at telling him they were low? What was said?

Low testosterone in males can have big implications. Low libido/lack of energy/depression can be more obvious signs.

As you said he never really had a strong sex drive in his teens, it would suggest he has naturally low levels, and would perhaps not ever known the difference. If he did I can assure you it would be an issue for him. For me a healthy libido is a core part of being male.

Age isn't a factor. Testosterone levels only drop 1% per year after age 30. He is still in his sexual prime. My libido feels exactly the same as in my teens now touching middle age. Unless he's grossly neglected himself in lifestyle, this isn't the problem.

The "pickiness" in sex are just excuses that he's not really up for it.

I would try and encourage him to explore this further. There are ways to fix it. Even lifestyle changes could make a significant difference, but he needs to know how low is low.

He could be like a new man if he achieves more healthy test levels. Its that important

Another male viewpoint - if he has been like this since he was 15 and shows no inclination to do anything about it then I doubt he will change now.

LTRs are more likely to be successful when both partners are happy with their sex life.

And as @lanar says, age is not a major factor, an active libido declines only very slowly and most men are still potent well into their 60s and beyond if they are otherwise healthy. At 35 there should be no issues.

Well OP this is me, except I’m the low with the low sex drive and always have been. I’ve also been with my DH 15 years and we have had several periods of going over a year with sex (generally when both children were very small)

DH would rather have more sex but he finds everything else about me compensates and as for me, I in turn sometimes make myself appear more interested than I am. Usually I end up into it. I could happily never have sex again.

And to pp, I’m not gay nor a porn addict. It’s possible you know

It’s an open and frank conversation you need to have. He was open with you so you need to decide how much of a deal breaker it is and go from there

It's kind of awful that you think if I didn't initiate, he does make an effort so weeks don't go by but I can tell he doesn't enjoy it. He's just going through the motions.

Honestly, if he's always had a low sex drive, it's not going to change. I think you will find this harder to cope with as time goes on, and you've got your whole life ahead of you. If it makes you feel undesirable and undermines your self-esteem now, it's just going to erode you further as the years go on.

Always makes men wonder when they claim to have a low sex drive but still watch porn. Doesn’t really add up does it

I think the two main important factors here are, he watches porn so is still sexually aroused, most important does he still masturbate? If he’s doing both then he still very much has sexual feelings. Speak to him again OP because long term this won’t work.

Mismatched sex drives can definitely be an issue although if affection is there maybe it's workable? What would happen if you split up and find someone with a higher sex drive but yours then decreases? You split up again?