Advice Please

[Hueandcry]

Have been old for a while, subject to covid obviously. Had a 'walking date' last night. My question is how do you tell them if you just don't feel it? On paper we're a good match & got on really well while chatting but in reality I just didn't find him attractive. Does that make me really shallow? Not sure if to just be honest or make an excuse. Roles reversed I'd prefer honesty

Anyone?

Treat others as you'd like to be treated, so honesty. Just message and say you had a nice time, was great to meet him but you didn't feel a spark and you wish him luck in finding the right person.

Much better than a lie or ghosting.

If you don't fancy him at all, then just say something like "sorry, I don't think there's a spark there, but lovely to meet you".

It doesn't make you shallow - gotta have some sort of attraction there.

He's just an aquaintance. Do what you would like done to yourself if it was reversed and say I like you, but I don't think its working for me. Thank you for meeting me, and I wish you well for the future. Text if its easier.

Does that make me really shallow

Do you think you're supposed to fancy everybody you like?

Just say 'thankyou for coming out to meet me, but I don't think there was a click for us. All the best with your dating journey dude!'.

@eckhart no I don't think that at all. I'm just really out of practise with this & I feel if I don't give anyone a chance I'll never meet someone. However I do think there needs to be an attraction there & in this case there wasn't

The 2 important things are to follow your heart, and maintain your dignity. Everybody will get respected, your feelings will be at the forefront, and nobody will have to fake anything.

It's not about practice. It's about being true to yourself, and not putting yourself down for being who you are. However shallow or deep you are; that's you. The actual you. Respect her for what she is!

Thank you

@Hueandcry
If you feel the way you do then be nice and direct with your response. Having said that, if you dont mind me probing a little......when you say an attraction, do you mean you didnt have a physical attraction or emotional one, or even intellectual one?

I ask as something i have found over the years is if there isn't a physical attraction we tend to shut down to the other elements that make a person attractive and that can mean we 'miss out' to some degree.

If i give an example. One of my best friend is married to someone who was horribly burnt as a child and has skin grafts. They fell in love over the phone and the physical element became less important.

Sometimes first dates dont show sparks and instant physical attraction. That can come later on in time. Perhaps a second date maybe something to consider before making a definitive decision.

No physical attraction (photos must have been from years ago) which is not necessarily a barrier to a second date if everything else was great but there were a couple of small things, like talking over me, that meant I wasn't willing to give it another go. I've messaged him & been honest

Ahhh....the photo from 10 years ago...its always one to watch for!

You cant make yourself fancy someone but if everything else is good sometimes the physical attraction element takes a bit more time. We all have a type and sometimes if we stray from that its difficult to get instant attraction but you say there were other things like talking over you......that would get my back up so i understand on that one!

It sounds like it wasn't just an attraction thing so that is fair enough....onwards an upwards as they say!

I'm not usually one for blocking people as I think if you're honest there's no need but he's come back asking why, he thought we got on well etc etc

'We did get on well, and I had a nice time. I didn't feel a spark, though. Good luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for.'

Keep it about you and your feelings. You don't need to say anything awkward about anything he's done wrong or put you off. Persist with the 'final' sounding messages, you know, 'Good luck for the future', 'I wish you all the very best' until you get to the point of saying 'I've made my feelings clear, please stop messaging me now'.

Coming back and asking why probably makes him even less attractive, I imagine! If he'd said 'Thanks for your message, I understand. It was lovely to meet you. Take care x' you'd probably find him more appealing.

Eww, I've had a few of those. Like I dont need to give you a reason snd 'No' is not a negotiation starting point.