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Original poster

Is this normal drinking behaviour ?

24 replies

Lizb1986 · 12/01/2021 10:16

I don’t know if I’m worrying over nothing or not
I’ve been with my partner 11 years and during this time he’s never had a full blown addiction but he’s had phases of strong addictive traits that have caused rifts in the relationship.
We was very young when we had our first child he was 19 and I was 20, he’s now 30.
During his younger years he developed a habit of taking cocaine on nights out and would stay out very late , we got through this. Some
Years later it was gambling , never to the point where he was not paying his bills but all his spare money went on it , he realised eventually it needed to stop when he spent all his money on a a roulette machine and lost it all. That was that. There’s been a few other similar things , not always bad things like he might go through phases of wanting to go golfing too much and get carried away with it etc. anyway he has a very good job , it’s tiring , shift work Monday to Friday , I’ve noticed on a weekend he’s starting to always want a drink , I guess he can’t nip in the pub anymore so I thought fine , it will usually be a Friday night once the kids are in bed then maybe a late Sunday afternoon if his foootbwll team are on the tv , again I suppose why not , his personality is fine on it , he doesn’t change or anything , he’s a respectful person good dad etc , I think I’m worried it’s a routine now , like it’s in his head he’s got to drink on a weekend , anyway last week he was working 4am - 2pm and when he got home at like 3pm he cracked open a can of lager , I felt abit disgusted , he didn’t get drunk or anything just had 2, then did the same next day finishing off the pack of 4 cans he’d bought. Is this Normal ? Don’t know it I’m just on edge because I know his pattern of behaviour , thanks x

OP posts:

MajorMujer · 12/01/2021 10:21

2 cans one day then 2 the next doesn't seem to be problem drinking. Does it effect his personality?

Veuvestar · 12/01/2021 10:23

4 cans of lager at the weekend isn’t anything I could get worked up about

Would he usually go to the pub on the way home?

Original poster

Lizb1986 · 12/01/2021 10:24

@MajorMujer no it doesn’t , he’s fine when drinking I think I just worry because of his addictive traits in the past , do you think the having a drink every weekend evening is nothing to worry about too?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizb1986 · 12/01/2021 10:26

@Veuvestar sorry I wasn’t very clear so he drinks more than that at weekend on an evening but I think I got stressed about the cans because this was a week day after finishing work around 3pm so was in addition to the weekend , yes he liked to go pub before lockdown not routinely but maybe every couple weeks on a Friday night or Sunday afternoon for football

OP posts:

SpaceOp · 12/01/2021 10:26

Quite honestly, having a drink every weekend evening doesn't worry me in the slightest. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you don't drink at all? So you think it's weird. If the amount starts to creep up and/or his behaviour changes THEN that's a concern. But for a large part of the population, a couple of beers or glasses of wine on weekends would in no way be considered even vaguely odd.

Original poster

Lizb1986 · 12/01/2021 10:29

@SpaceOp yes that’s right I’m not a drinker really not in the house , I’m not a prude or anything I just don’t enjoy house drinking , before lockdown I would enjoy a drink on a night out with my friends but doing it in the house it’s nothing I take enjoyment from so I guess I don’t relate to him , thanks for your advice

OP posts:

PipTeak · 12/01/2021 10:31

I understand where you are coming from. Coming in after work at 3 pm and drinking up to 4 strong cans of lager is not a good thing.

I’m not sure what you can do though.

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 10:35

It doesn't matter what's normal. It matters what you're comfortable with. Even if a million people tell you something is normal, if you're uncomfortable, you should still sort out the situation into something you are comfortable with.

charliespie · 12/01/2021 10:35

The drinking thing wouldn't worry me right now, but he has such a history I can see why it might easily turn into something more. It's almost as if you are sitting waiting for him to let you down again. I would have left him after he started taking cocaine when I was at home with a baby. Now you are 'on edge' because of his behaviour patterns. Only you can change that.

charliespie · 12/01/2021 10:36

I also misread that he only drank at the weekend

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 10:37

I’m not sure what you can do though

You tell him it's making you uncomfortable because of his past behaviour. You have a discussion in which you respect each other's points of view. You work out an understanding, psychologically, which may or may not mean a change, materially.

You don't sit there thinking 'Well, I guess it's normal, so I'll just have to squash my feelings down and shut my trap, whilst he does exactly what he wants and knows nothing of what's going on for me.'

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 10:38

Now you are 'on edge' because of his behaviour patterns. Only you can change that

OP doesn't need to change. She needs her partner to understand and respect her concerns.

charliespie · 12/01/2021 10:46

OP doesn't need to change. She needs her partner to understand and respect her concerns.

I wasn't saying OP needed to change. I said only she can change the fact that she is on edge because of his behaviour.

I meant leaving him.

JorisBonson · 12/01/2021 10:47

I tend to pour a drink most days when I get home, especially if it's been a shit day. I don't get drunk, just have one or two.

However, as PP's have said, it's whatever you're comfortable with.

pointythings · 12/01/2021 10:50

Thing is, if he's worked a night shift 4am to 2 pm then he's having a drink at the end of the working day, and what's on the clock is actually irrelevant. His drinking doesn't sound excessive to me (I'm the widow of an alcoholic btw); however, if he's shown signs of having addictive traits, he does need to be vigilant.

You can't do this for him, he has to have the insight to do it himself.

Sssloou · 12/01/2021 10:51

It’s not about the number of cans or how and when he drinks them - it’s about the context of his specific history - so I understand your alarm.

It seems that each of his past addictions get “resolved” only when he shifts from one substance / activity to another so I can see why you are concerned that this might be a similar cycle.

Has he openly talked about the cocaine and gambling. Did he consider it was becoming a problem and stopped them? If he was able to do this with you then that’s a good start.

Addiction is a progressive disease - people rarely dive in the deep end and an issue can build or develop.

Often addictions are to relieve a conscious or even subconscious psychological trauma or pain ..... is there anything that you are aware of in his background that may be unresolved that he is holding / blocking? How was his upbringing?

If so, he could seek to fix the root of the problem through therapy which would bring permanent peace to his life.

How have you interacted with him around the previous problems of cocaine use and gambling?

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 11:01

@charliespie

OP doesn't need to change. She needs her partner to understand and respect her concerns.

I wasn't saying OP needed to change. I said only she can change the fact that she is on edge because of his behaviour.

I meant leaving him.

Which would not be necessary, if she talks to her partner, explains her concerns, and he understands and respects them.

charliespie · 12/01/2021 11:08

Which would not be necessary, if she talks to her partner, explains her concerns, and he understands and respects them.

I suppose it depends what you are prepared to settle for. Like I said, I would have left him when he started doing cocaine while I was at home with a baby.

He can understand and respect all he wants but the truth is his past behaviour is still affecting OP now, that won't change if he smiles and nods his head when she speaks to him now.

Justcallmebebes · 12/01/2021 11:44

I understand where you are coming from. Coming in after work at 3 pm and drinking up to 4 strong cans of lager is not a good thing.

I’m not sure what you can do though.

^ Nowhere does OP say it is strong lager and if you read the post, two cans one night and two cans the following night.

I come from a family of very heavy drinkers OP and i don't think you have anything to worry about if the drinking stays at this level.

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 15:56

that won't change if he smiles and nods his head when she speaks to him now

That's not what respecting someone's concerns looks like. In fact that's the opposite.

charliespie · 12/01/2021 16:02

@Eckhart

that won't change if he smiles and nods his head when she speaks to him now

That's not what respecting someone's concerns looks like. In fact that's the opposite.

I know. In fact that was my point. Someone with that history who has his partner sitting waiting for the next mess up isn't someone who is going to listen, understand, respect or do the right thing. The damage runs far too deep in this relationship.

yvanka · 12/01/2021 16:06

Two beers after work or a couple at the weekend sound fine to me. Remember that his 3pm is a 9-5 person's 6pm

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/01/2021 16:15

I'm not a big drinker at all and neither is dp, but we have a few people in our families with alcohol problems. This doesn't sound worrying at all, but if he does have an addictive personality it could become one. I would keep an eye on it but a lot of people have a routine where they have a drink at the weekend or when they get home from work.

mindutopia · 12/01/2021 17:18

Nothing at all to worry about. I have a drink every Friday and Saturday night and every Sunday afternoon with lunch. Every single weekend. Except when I'm ill or pregnant. Most people I know have a few drinks both nights at the weekend, sometimes also at lunch time both days. Personally, I don't drink during the week unless it's a special occasion. Past issues with addiction do sound worrying, but currently drinking sounds fine and normal for most people in their 20s/30s.

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