I've posted on here before about my nasty in laws when I found out I was first pregnant. I've since gone on to have another child and now have two children under two. Life is very stressful and chaotic. My previously wonderful (or was he?) husband has really let me down and is more of a hinderance than help. It doesn't help that he's recently been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I have PND which is crippling- I put on an act every morning to be the happy mum I think my children need to see but I'm crumbling and broken on the inside. My husband can't deal with life atm and makes it all about himself and ignores my cries for help. My sadness and loneliness have over the last couple of months turned into rage and anger. I could seriously hurt myself (but won't for the sake of the children). My GP and HV are both aware of how low I’m feeling but there aren’t any services they can refer me to because of lockdown or lack of services existing. I’ve even referred myself to our local safeguarding team (my husbands moods are unpredictable and he can occasionally threaten physical violence) but I was told we don’t meet their criteria for involvement. As a result, I’ve maxed out my credit card on private therapy and can’t afford to have anymore sessions.
I’m posting tonight (I've struggled to sleep) because I feel so sad and alone. My husband constantly gaslights and makes me feel everything is my fault when i know that’s not true. He starts fights in front of the children and scares them. I try to hold my own (wrong I know) but we’re damaging the children. I can see it in their scared little faces when we start arguing. We’ve currently started couples counselling and I felt we had a big breakthrough a few sessions in but it doesn’t last. The therapist is very practical and has made it clear she's all about teaching us techniques to try with one another instead of tackling deep rooted issues. I'm not sure if this is typical for couples counselling therapists.
More info:
I’m still BF littlest child so off work. Husband lost his job in the first lockdown and his field completely dried up. I’ve had to sell some of my jewellery to make ends meet. This money is running out and the next step is applying for UC which I’ve never had to do before. I’m resentful and bitter about this because my husband refused to save and be sensible when he was working despite me asking him too. The little money we had in our savings account, he used to buy himself a car (I don't/can't drive).
We both come from traumatic family backgrounds and I feel that's what contributed to how he’s (and I'm) feeling. He felt when we had children, his parents would become magical people and reprise their relationship. This hasn’t happened. He/we are ostracised by his family and aren’t invited to anything/informed of anything. My MIL saw my eldest child when they were a 3 week old and again at six weeks. I once walked in on a zoom call husband had with his mother and I found the toddler performing like a monkey because my husband and MIL had run out of things to say so my husband was making the toddler fill the (long) gaps. I soon put a stop to this. I'm now blamed for distancing the children from his family which is true but I don't want them being used as a 'crutch' for my husband to maintain ties with his family.
My husband won’t hear a word said against his family, despite agreeing previously how toxic they were. He now turns it on me and tells me how I come from a ‘chavvy’ family who don’t care about me- they don’t but that’s not the point.
If I try sharing my feelings/pain with my husband, he’ll have a bigger and ‘better’ story of personal woe to overtake mine so I’ve stopped talking. When we do talk, if he doesn’t like what I’m saying, things will quickly escalate and I’ll be told I’m being awkward, harsh, etc. I’m not proud to admit that I’ll shout at this point in the hope that something registers and he’ll ‘wake up’. I'm now labelled as a bully.
I’m a shadow of my former self and at my lowest ebb. I have some mum friends but their lives are so far removed from mine (amazing families, no financial worries, etc.) that I don’t feel like I can talk to them. I tried once with one of the mums who I felt closest to but she quickly changed the subject and distanced herself from me afterwards! I have no other friends- therapy has made me realise I’m a people pleaser and overly giving so I’ve distanced myself from most people I’ve known in the past.
I can’t go back to work atm as I’m still EBF the baby and need to reregister with my work regulatory body but can’t do that because my passport has expired (as a form of proof of ID) and I can’t afford to get that renewed or pay the reregistration fees because we’re poor! Life is truly shit!!!
Called several women’s/DV charities- no one answered so I left a message for one of the big ones, asking for a callback. No news yet. I’ve looked into leaving the husband but benefit entitlement as a single parent- surprised by how (relatively) generous it is BUT it won’t pay the mortgage which is my biggest worry. In order to get some relief towards that, I’d have to convert our existing ‘capital AND interest’ mortgage to a ‘capital ONLY’ one and then apply for a government loan that’ll pay this. However, as joint owner, I’d have to get the husband’s permission to do this (he’d never agree) AND I wouldn’t be entitled to this loan until I’ve been on benefits for at least 39 weeks- that’s potentially 9 months of mortgage arrears that I can’t afford to happen. This is the only home me and the children have known and I don’t want it to be taken away. I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Sorry this is so long. I don’t know why I’m posting....are we heading for a divorce (it feels like it to me) or can we come back from this? Would appreciate a few kind words or just a handhold I suppose.