I feel that my husband is with me purely out of habit
I’ve been with my husband for 19 years only married for 2 we met when we were very young and have children together.
We have never had a ongoing hot and heavy sex life, we used to argue and have great make up sex before the kids came along but then the arguments stopped as I never want to argue in front of the kids.
He has always been very content with his life he likes decorating changes the house every 6 months to make our home just the way he wants it while making me feel like I asked for it when I get annoyed that it’s too many changes when I just want an easy life he wants to have the best of everything and I work with him to give him that.
I think for the last 4 years he has truly disliked me the look of disgust I get if I say something wrong or break something, if anything goes wrong it’s my fault somehow. When we do argue the tension is so thick in the house the kids can sense it but when he’s in a good mood it’s lovely.
If I try to instigate sex when he’s not in the mood its because I’ve left it too late we only ever have sex once a fortnight when he is ready and I feel it’s only because he wants to release himself it’s not because he wants me or desires me or fancies me. I feel he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to either because he doesn’t want a failed relationship or the bother of having to try and work at finding someone else. I think he stays because we have built a life invested in our house and he has nice things that can only be paid for with two incomes he would never want to start again.
I have told him so many times before we got married and we had a few arguments where things got heated once in front of the kids because I asked him why he’s so unhappy and he says he’s not I’m the one that needs to change he can be very hurtful and will never say sorry for anything he says or does i will be the one to make amends for the sake of the kids.
He doesn’t like me going out and will question If I spoke or met anyone while I was out as if he doesn’t trust me.
We also work together so I think he doesn’t leave or want me to leave because it would mean he would lose too much financially. I know he loves our kids but he doesn’t really have a lot of time for them especially my son and I think my son sense he is treat differently to his sister. Which really hurts me and i have told him I don’t like it and he says he treats him no different to how his dad treated him.
We’ve never been an affectionate couple we peck each other goodbye when he leaves for work or if I go out, we don’t kiss when we do have sex he wasn’t even in the mood on our wedding night which I understood it was a long day but we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks after the wedding.
It’s not all about the sex I feel so unloved and unwanted and doesn’t matter how many times I try to talk to him about it or suggest counselling he says it’s me not him he’s fine he’s more than happy then why does he treat me the way he does I feel so worthless at times where years ago I would argue back or disagree now I don’t bother because I don’t want to kids to feel an atmosphere if I upset him
I know it’s lockdown and things seem a lot more heightened with emotions and don’t get me wrong there can be times over the years where he has been so different and I think this is why we’re together and I hold onto that thought and enjoy thinking of those good times just us and as a family. But then I see friends around me who have got out of long term relationships and met someone else who they enjoy every minute with and are treated so differently and I feel Doesn’t everyone deserve that. I will try to bring a spark il book a night away or a meal and there will be no conversation or he’ll just want to eat and then sleep. We’ve tried sex toys to spice things but went ok for a while then the novelty for him wore off.
Some days I want to leave but I do love him and wouldn’t want to hurt him or leave him alone and then I think is it me do I need to change?
Is anyone else going through this I don’t want to look back in 20 years and I wish I had done something sooner but I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it any help or advise is needed
I’ve tried talking to family members but they just say you know what he’s like he’s always been like it why does it bother you now obviously I don’t tell them about the comments or the way he looks at me to protect him. I’m quite a bubbly person to the outside and make light of things as I don’t want pity or to feel sorry for me because he doesn’t beat me and he pays 50/50 for everything so I question myself it could be worse but is this really all there is? Does every relationship have issues that only closed doors know about and hide from everyone else?