Why does my husbands lateness bother me?

[thelake]

My husband cannot do anything time. It's got to the extent that if I was being picked up from the train station etc then I would have to lie and say the bus got in twenty minutes earlier than it does. Then he manages to get there at the actual time. Still I feel angry because it's insulting that he can't be bothered.

Anyway, this post is about this morning. I asked if he could take DD to school. He said no because he has to get to work for 8am. It turns out he only left the house at 8am so clearly would have been late. I asked if his work mind and he said no? He won't talk about being late and acts like a teenager. I just feel he's letting himself down as he's had this job less than a year. It's a professional level job and the place needs to be staffed from 8. When he isn't there he is letting his work down.

I find lateness infuriating. So rude.

Being consistently late is very rude in my book. Also by always being late he is telling you that his time is more important than yours. At my work persistent lateness like his would be a big no no. How long is his commute ie is he 10mins late or an hour. He will probably end up on a disciplinary if he isn't careful. You mention he is only in the job a year. Has this been a problem in other jobs.

@MrsClatterbuck it's part of a general personality thing. Eg being covert narcissist, passive aggressive.
Re the jobs, he has pursued a few different careers (which again have all been professional). He academically intelligent but lacks emotional intelligence or common sense and is never satisfied.

It takes about 25 minutes to drive to work so

I’m a bit confused. Are you saying he’s a covert narcissist, passive aggressive? Aren’t they major problems?!

@PipTeak

I’m a bit confused. Are you saying he’s a covert narcissist, passive aggressive? Aren’t they major problems?!

I'm confused too. If he's a passive aggressive covert narcissist, lateness is the least of his problems

But yes, people who are always late piss me off. What they're saying is that you and your time is of far less importance than theirs.

Flip side: I can't remember which podcast it was, but I listened to something recently about the psychology of lateness and often the person who is late is late because they have low self esteem and don't value themselves highly. In their book, them being missing for 15 minutes makes little difference to anyone as they're not important. Does your OH have self esteem issues or similar?

My exH was like that and it was one of many infuriating traits he had. He just didn't think he needed to be on time for others. If we had people coming round for dinner he would wait until minutes before to get in the shower to get ready so wasn't there to greet them. He was once completely torn off a strip by his boss at work for turning for the umpteenth time to meetings after they had started. Was really upset about the 'humiliation ' but I could totally understand it.

I put it down to his arrogance, he felt entitled to do what he wanted. He would also be defensive and passive aggressive if challenged about it, due to a complete lack of empathy. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

@Dacquoise@ my STBXH was exactly the same. Drove me berserk.

He knew it drove me berserk too, which I think he liked.

@Dacquoise and @PussGirl mine too. He was a very arrogant person.

Lateness is rude.

I mean occasionally shit happens which cant be helped but otherwise uts just saying their time is more important than yours.

I mean I guess its a slight comfort its not limited to just you but I'm surprised work stand fir it tbh.

I mean I'm.all fir abolishing arbitrary hours at work when they penalise people for no good reason and it would make zero difference if they worked 9.30-5.30 as opposed to 9-5.

But yes its very rude to be consistently late all the time . Youd expect them to care about their partners waiting around in the cold/wet rather than just ironing their shirt after picking you up instead.

I couldn't live with a man like this. It's not just about chronic lateness, it demostrates everything you need to know about who he is as a person. Self-absorbed, selfish, and disrespectful.

He sounds like someone I know who could also be classed as both of those things too. Maybe the lateness is part of it.

What time does dd need dropping off? I'd have said this morning "here She is, drop her on your way"

People are late because they don't think it's important to turn up on time. It's okay to leave someone waiting because they think their time is more important.

I bet he would be on time if someone offered him £100 to be somewhere at, say 11am sharp. If there are no consequences to his actions, why should he change?

Glad to see these are all ex's. Making other people deliberately frustrated and annoyed deserves to be kicked to the kerb. I doubt mine has changed at all. Someone else's problem now

My exH was always late. No self esteem issues, he just thought he was more important than everyone else.

@MrsTerryPratchett, too much self esteem then?!?

Vastly too much. Golden child/sainted mother relationship.

Urg.

My friend has never turned up on time once in the 35 years I have known him. I love him all the same.

Why does it bother you? Because you are a decent human being with good manners. YANBU to be upset.

I'm disappointed if his employer is accepting his lateness, if they are.

@namechanged294749 he does have fluctuating self esteem and gets angry very easily. However, surely being late when it's just one other person isn't about self esteem. In that case you are letting the other person down... I understand the reason if it's for a party etc

@dacquoise yes yes yes!!!
And he never ever apologises to me or our DD. Even if he has completely lost his temper and sworn the F word and screamed at us. He lacks real empathy. I think he can act it sometimes but not feel it

It's more than just the lateness, I think it's his unwillingness to discuss anything and shut me down and blame me. I think the lateness was just triggering me because he wouldn't explain it. Thanks for the supportive messages. Anyone dating needs to read these forums and not make my mistakes!

Unfortunately I found that it doesn't get any better. They're gonna do what they want to do. Lump or leave it.

The relief from getting rid of the tosser was immense. You don't need to question why it bothers you. It's him not you!

Is possibly suffering from depression? It's hard to motivate yourself, mood swings etc classic symptoms