New boyfriend and wanting a baby

[Housemo]

Been seeing BF for around 8 months. We both have one DC each. I turned 40 last year and before meeting BF I had thought if I did not meet someone I would look into a donor. I have wanted another child for years, as in really yearned for another baby and now given my age feel my clock is literally ticking.

Fast forward 8 months and the relationship is going really well. At the beginning I asked if he wanted more children and he said he was open to that idea. Since then it's only me who has bought it up. I told him I would really like to have a baby and he said he would be open to that 'in the future' and 'when the time is right'. This is partly true as we haven't known each other long. But he lives on the next road to me so we have seen each other loads in those months.

I guess I need to be honest with myself and with him too. Recently, with covid and everything else I feel time is running out. I'll be 41 in a few months time. My DC was saying how much she'd like a sibling the other day and I felt sad for her. All my friends ask would I have another baby and I feel almost desperate because they do not know I have longed for another baby for years.

BF is lovely in so many ways and talks about the future, I just feel sad because am not convinced he wants another child. I don't want to split up with him but I do have a deep desire for a second child. Should I seriously start looking into donors??

He doesn’t want another child

If you want a baby go the sperm donor route if you can afford it but be aware it might not work plus they may have an age limit

He sounds unsure if he wants a baby, at least, a baby with you. To be fair to him, it is not a decision most people make in 8 months but you're right to push him on it. Is he aware of women's fertility around aged 40 and that it's genuinely critical? Also what about marriage? If you're serious enough about him to want a baby, what about legal commitment to each other?

Deliberately choosing to strip your child of a dad is a huge decision to make on the child's behalf. There are men out there who do want children/more children. You could break up with this man (after a make or break convo) and look for a man on the same page as you.

I hope you're able to have a child but with any of these options (including sperm donation) you may find you've already left it too late at aged 40 for another child. Therefore in your position, I would actuualy start coming to terms now with the strong possibility that you won't have a second child. It's unfortunate but children at the end of the day aren't a given for anybody, and we can't always have what we want in life.

You'll probably get people come on here saying "ohhh I had twins at age 45 etc" but bear in mind this is mumsnet so there will naturally be a strong bias of women here who are mothers, rather than the ones who did not become mothers. So another thing to consider is whether you wish to scupper what you say is a good relationship, for a child you may be unable to have anyway.

Sit down with him and be honest. Either the relationship will end, you'll accept no more children or he will jump at the chance. You only have 3 outcomes, so find out now which one it will be.

You've only known him 8 months? I know time is ticking but from your post you don't even live with each other full time. Maybe he thinks it's too soon.

It's definitely too soon to think about having a baby with him - you've only known him 8 months! That's less time than it takes to grow a baby!

If i were you, and i was 40 and set on having another baby, I'd be going the donor route regardless of BF.

Sit down with him. Tell him you want to have a family with him, but that more importantly you want another baby. Tell him you'd like it to be with him, but he needs to tell you, for sure, by next month. And if he's not on board, you're going to get a donor.

Chase your own joy, OP.

I do sympathise with you OP but 8 months is way too soon. Biological clock is not a reason to rush a relationship in my opinion.

Just because he doesn't give you a definitive 'yes or no', doesn't necessarily mean he's leading you on. He could still be getting to know you. Put things into perspective, I'm sure you have butter in your fridge longer than your relationship. 8 months is nothing at all in the grand scheme of things.

If you really can't wait then maybe go the donor route

He doesn't want another child. It's obvious, hear what he is saying.

Maybe he meant after a little more time than 8 months. Sit down and talk about it with him make sure your on the same page or will be at some point

No matter how much I loved someone and how much I wanted a baby, I would not be willing to commit to having one with someone eight months into a relationship.

I think he's being sensible, I appreciate you feel there is a clock ticking but that also shouldn't mean he is held to ransom somewhat.

If you would rather have a baby as a single parent than take your chances of not having another child then I think you need a very frank conversation with timelines to see if you are compatible with one another. For example, would you want to start TTC in the next couple of months, or just want to know he believes he will want to within the next 12 months?

Of course there is no guarantee anyone will be able to conceive naturally and I do think eight months in, the logistics of all this is a massive ask for either one in the relationship.

I assume as you have a child and have only been with him eight months that you don't live together? So while as I say I understand your biological clock feels like it's ticking, putting pressure on you both to have a child ASAP would be unfair on all involved, including your existing child.

If I was him, I'd be running for the hills.
It sounds like he doesn't want another until he is sure of your relationship and he's being totally sensible.

You've only been seeing him for 8 months and it is unfair to be putting that pressure on in him in the short time you've been together.

If you are that desperate for a baby and it's more important, end it with him and go down the donor route.

A friend of mine got pregnant later in life with someone she had only been seeing for 3 months. They are now happily married and have been for years. 8 months is soon but as you're not getting any younger it's a tricky one. Did you speak to him?

I'm in a similar position OP. I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We have two kids each a from previous marriages. It would be hugely impractical to have a baby. But I really want to try. He doesn't and I can appreciate why.
I absolutely love him and I don't rate my chances of meeting someone else that I feel that way about who also wants to have a baby with me-even if I can have one because at 40 it's not guaranteed. So I've given up on the idea, very very sadly.

He's wise to not think it's right to have a baby with someone he's only known 8 months! If you want one, you need to use a sperm donor.

For every child who wishes they had a sibling, there's another who wishes they were an only. It's swings and roundabouts, so I wouldn't give too much weight to your dc's views on the subject. They could easily change when faced with reality.

Unless your dp wants another child as desperately as you, I'd forget about another pregnancy. If you'd prioritise your need for a second child over your relationship, I don't think it will last. It would be difficult for your dp to avoid feeling like he was being used. And he has to think of his existing dc as well.

The timing is rubbish for you, but none of us gets to live the perfect life.

I fell pregnant very early in my relationship and its worked out well for us, but it certainly wasn't deliberate and I would recommend it! I can sympathise totally with him not wanting a baby with someone he's known less than a year. But I also know that you don't have any more time left. You literally cannot wait any longer. If he wants to wait until you're 43/44 then it'll probably be too late.

Definitely speak to him and say that you are going to have a baby this year. It doesn't have to be his, but it is happening. He had the choice to be your child's father, to stay with you despite your being pregnant through a donor, or to leave. But you not having a child isn't one of the options on the table.

He probably has ten of more years to decide but you don't. Just tell him you'll be having a baby end of. Your body your choice.

I think as we get older we have less time to make big decisions about things. In my 20s my friends and I had long relationships that never really went anywhere and then eventually drew to a close - that would not be the case now we are in our 40s, nobody would hang around that long.
I think you need to have one big chat with him, explain the age issue, he's either on board or he's not. You can't force him, but if the baby is more important to you, you have to prioritize that.
(By the way I am unexpectedly pregnant at 43, it can happen... but don't rely on it!)