I feel strong right now, but I often don’t. The first time he hit me I thought I was dreaming. I remember I stood there blinking for almost a minute after as he walked ahead. For a second, I told myself that he didn’t mean to do it; he must’ve been gesturing to something and I was in the way. Until he turned around and screamed again, and I saw it in his eyes.
He became my demons and my peace all wrapped into one. How does that work? When the person who causes all your pain is the only one you think can wipe it all away. I found myself running away from one part of him just to be held by his other half.
I never thought my life could end up like this. I look outside my window now and I see birds flying by, wishing I could fly away so carefree. But he will haunt me. I can’t afford to leave right now, to go back to my home country. Even back home there is no one to welcome me, no easy shelter to be had.
Today he is back to being nasty, out of nowhere. He asked me if I had seen his webcam, and I told him I hadn’t. That has led to insults and the banging of doors and things that makes me jump out of my skin. To make matters worse, we might both have Covid. I’m not supposed to go anywhere, even for a walk.