Will it work to live with exDP?

[Happycow]

We split up 2 months ago, and have 2 young DC. He cheated on me with a few ONSs from app hook-ups. Although I am still angry and hurt, a big part of me feels relieved that I no longer have to put up with his shit any more, and the absolute hammering on my self-esteem.

The assumption has been from Day 1 that he would move out. However as time passes, I think that this won't actually benefit me. Has anyone been in this situation that can offer help??

He should leave because:
1)he has been a total shit (he has done this before years ago but I forgave him. stupid me)

2)he hasn't actually told anyone we've split up because 'he thought we'd get back together like before'

3. I don't want constant reminders of him (probably) still doing this as he's now single...

He should stay because:

1. he does his share with the DC, and if he moves out although he will be nearby and do a lot, it won't be as much as now so i will likely struggle to work the same as i do now (and why should my career and income suffer?)
2. the DC (4 and 1) - esp. 4yo will be devastated if he moves out
3. I've just come off mat leave so my bank statements don't make good reading and i'd like the chance to get myself financially a bit better in case i need to move house / get new mortgage etc

i should say that there is no chance of us getting back together, that ship has well and truly sailed. so i don't feel awkward about being him and he isn't pestering me to take him back (apart from offering me a new kitchen if he stays .

Can it work living together as friends? Has anyone here managed it successfully.

bump...

Well you aren’t friends though are you? You will move out from each other at some point, it’s far easier when the kids are younger. Not sure how you would work the financials but it would work one way or another.

It'll never work. Sorry.

Ok - thats pretty clear! I saw a thread from 12 months ago with a few replies that suggested it may be ok if the boundaries are clear. Im obviously deluding myself!

Unless you’re planning to live like this until your children move out, you’ll always have a “devastated child” whether he moves out now or in 5 years time. At least your one year old won’t know much different now. If you leave it until they are older then you’ll end up feeling guilty about “two devastated children” instead.

1) he does his share with the DC, and if he moves out although he will be nearby and do a lot, it won't be as much as now so i will likely struggle to work the same as i do now (and why should my career and income suffer?)

Why indeed. He has a responsibility to move close by and do as much as he does now. There is no reason for him to do less and he shouldn't. It WILL change - instead of everyday constant sharing and juggling, it will be a case of one of you in sole charge then the other in sole charge. You need to talk to him about childcare responsibilities and work. But no, not a reason to have him there.

2) the DC (4 and 1) - esp. 4yo will be devastated if he moves out

So what, you're going to live with him and put that off for... what? Two years? Three? No. The sooner the better because you are not a couple any longer. It isn't real life, it's pretending. You won't be avoiding their devastation, just storing it up for when they're bigger and it will hurt more. 4 is small, they will pretty much not remember living with him if you do this now. This is probably the biggest reason that you should make a clean break and move on asap to what will be you and their new life.

3) I've just come off mat leave so my bank statements don't make good reading and i'd like the chance to get myself financially a bit better in case i need to move house / get new mortgage etc - wtf? Don't you mean your joint mat leave for your joint children? If his bank statements are looking better than yours, then the first thing you do is tell him to open his wallet and equalise them. This is where not being married bites you on the bum. Tell him, straight up - I'm financially worse off because I took this leave for OUR chilldren. What are you going to do about that to make sure we both start this new chapter as equals, equally responsible for our children and neither disadvantaged at the start?

@yoni yes, im aware of the downsides of not being married. He did cover all the bills etc while i was off but i still have several months of zero salary income on my bank statements!

Fair comments on everything though - everything that has been said is what my stance has been for the last 2 month, but for some reason (reality kicking in?) Im really questioning my decision.

But, arse has been kicked, and he can contiue his househunting!

Ah I see what you mean. At least he's been paying it all.

Honestly, if you get on ok-ish and he's just a twat, the best thing that could happen is that he moves close by. More flexible for you both with childcare.

@yoni - yup, he is just a twat who didnt think. I honestly dont think he would get caught - and if he did he had no idea it would end up like this. More fool him. Yes he is looking within 2-3 mile radius so will be as on-hand as possible. Not 50-50 but enough to do a few breakfasts / drop-offs or pickups a week plus a night or 2.

Thanks for your advice :-)

For how long would you expect this arrangement to go on?

What happens when he meets someone he wants to be with? What happens if you meet someone?

@category12 i was thinking a year or 2?? But i think its clear now i was having a bit of a moment and actually in spite of the positives its just not going to work.

I wouldn't be surprised if he carries on his hook-ups post lockdown which i find a bit grubby to say the least (while living with his kids etc)

I think this arrangement can work when the couple just fall out of love but are still friends. The fact that he’s a cheating twat and will no doubt want to carry on shagging about will just cause resentment.

A place close by means that you can still share the load, it’s not too much trouble for the DCs with school/friends etc as they get older. And crucially you get time off when they’re with him and vice versa. Which means time to date, time to spend with friends, on hobbies, study, exercise - whatever it takes for you to get back to being you. We all lose ourselves once DC come into the mix - being a single parent gives you a fantastic opportunity to reclaim a little of what you lost. Embrace it.

Just rip the plaster off.... will save you a whole lot of pain in the long run

When i decided i wanted to split up, i felt so fearless and proud that id made such a big decision so easily after 20-odd years together.

Now the reality is looming on the horizon and im getting nervous! But i know youre all right. I needed reminding though!

Ill put our (currently) amicable relationship to good use and get the best arrangements possible for him being with the DC.

Only if you live in a massive house, that's big enough for you to live independently of one another (separate kitchens, bathrooms, entrances). I know a woman that bought a house with her ex and his wife, but it was years after they'd split and it's a big house. She now has a new partner, and now all 4 of them live together (with their kids).

I don't think you can just go from couple to cohabiting without living apart - you need to be properly over each other to have any chance, and I don't think you can get over someone without going through the recognised five stages of grief.

It might not feel like it right now, but both of you are probably going to want to meet other people and have new relationships in the future. How would you feel about that whilst still living together? It seems kind of stifling in my imagination. And you just try dating when you still live with your ex - most potential dates will run a mile when they find that out. As you probably would yourself.