Help me find some perspective

[Solost1981]

Long time lurker here and just really need to get some perspective before I drive myself mad.

DP of 2 years has a female friend of 4 years who he shares a hobby with. Before he and I got together she propositioned him, offered herself on a plate because she wasn't getting the attention she craved from her husband.
He was upfront and honest about this when we first got together and assured me that nothing had ever happened between the 2 of them (my ExDH cheated on me which DP knew so wanted me to feel happy in her company), however I don't think she knows that he's told me. After meeting her, she seemed nice enough, but she always seemed to have some family issue that needed resolving or a drama that involved a visit and a hand hold.
For the first year I put up with it, maybe I was a pushover I don't know. But then on her birthday I ended up being sat in the seat next to her at dinner with DP the other side and her DH a few seats away. At one point during the dinner she turned to me and said 'if DP wasn't already yours then I'd make sure he was mine'. Inappropriate in my opinion but I kept my mouth shut rather than make a scene at her birthday dinner.
Fast forward a few months to lockdown.... DP works in the catering industry and was able to carry on working in some capacity, she decided to try a new faddy diet and because DP was able to easily get a key ingredient for this diet, he would deliver the food and have a coffee whilst the no household visits restrictions were in place. I kicked off and it got brushed under the carpet by him claiming that I had mental health issues.
Once restrictions were lifted we were able to go away for a few days. There we were sat in a hot tub and there he is messaging her about a trip for their shared hobby after we were to return. I went absolutely mental as this was supposed to be a 'no contact with the outside world' trip. Again it was blamed on my mental health. Through all of this he saw that I was always the one in the wrong, the one over-reacting, the one with the issue. Even when I asked him how he'd react if the tables were turned and said the same way, it was all forgotten again by him and made out to be in my head.
I completed a course of group CBT, partly for COVID induced anxiety, partly for all the times other people's actions freaked me out, I learnt some great techniques and managed to keep stumm every time her name was mentioned. They carried on with the shared hobby and I just had to put up with it.

Now here we are, tier system came into place and now full lockdown again. I found out from a mutual friend that she asked him to take her son for a pint on Xmas Eve in a tier 2 area. We were originally going to host Xmas at mine for both sets of parents when it was the 3 allowed households, we were going to isolate to make it safer all round for all. Unfortunately all of us were then put into tier 4 and his parents were no longer able to come. As we are in a childcare bubble with my parents we made the decision for them to still visit.
Now I've been told about this pint, and various other rule bends that he's done, I am livid. I caught him out in a lie and once again he's blaming mental health, saying I'm irrational. Admittedly I could have handled it better but he's had 2.5 weeks to own up and tell me the truth, I gave him every opportunity yesterday to tell me, even prompted him with questions about his whereabouts on Xmas Eve. He blatantly lied and told me he had only gone swimming. Now this morning it's turned into a sitting in her garden as they decided not to go the pub. I don't know who or what to believe and am at the end of my tether with the pure number of times when she has been put before me, her awful attempts at trying to flirt with DP are cringe worthy (think old man rubbing his knees hhhmmmmmm) I've only mentioned the biggest impacts in this post, but there are numerous more times I could bore you with.

I guess my question is, am I irrational? Do I need to man up and tell him to get this woman out of our lives or at least get some boundaries in place? I honestly don't know if I can even bare to hear her name mentioned without my skin crawling.

Thank you for reading if you've got this far and I'm sorry for prattling on for so long but I just really need some perspective in all this.

He is gaslighting the life out of you. She's as blatant as hell - it sounds as though she wants you to separate so that she can move in - but he is telling you you're crazy, despite the evidence.

Honestly? I couldn't live with gaslighting. I couldn't live with him and her flirting. I would want to be rid of the pair of them.

Don't live your life like this -you are obviously very unhappy.
He has made it very clear he's not going to change his behaviour.
So you need to change yours.

Please move on - you are not his priority at all.
He sounds selfish and quite nasty.
You can do better!

You're hanging everything that's wrong being her - but it's really worrying that he's constantly telling you that your mh is responsible for being upset about upsetting things.

You really need to step back and ask yourself if it's worth it, being constantly in a triangle with him and this woman. I always think if you have to be in competition with someone else for your partner's attention, you should just walk away. Because it shouldn't even be a question.

As usual, @category12 has nailed it. Your responses seem perfectly fair to me and it’s pretty disgusting that he’s pinning your objections on your MH. Being with a gaslighting partner is bound to be bad for your MH. In your shoes, I would be thinking of womaning up and moving on so you can look for a partner who treats you decently.

I don't know. You are absolutely entitled to demand that he has no contact with this woman and he is absolutely entitled to see any of his friends if he wishes.

There appears to be no actual sign that he would have an affair with her, does there? So it boils down to you can't stand her behaviour because you believe that she is 'after' your DH and you want him to stop seeing her? And I guess that your DH says that she is a very old friend and she is being friendly and not flirting, right?

So you have to find a middle ground. I personally would tell my DH to fuck off if he tried to stop me seeing any of my friends of any sex, and I personally trust my DH enough to not feel threatened by any of his friendships with any sex. But that is me and my relationship.

So I wouldn't make the mistake of trying to tell my partner who he can be friends with or who he can see, but rather I would put it 'the way x behaves towards you makes me feel really uncomfortable. It find it really disrespectful'.

That way you leave the ball in his court to either pay attention to your feelings (rational or not - they are YOUR feelings and you are allowed to have them) or to completely ignore them. You will need to also listen to him and to respect that he may not want to ban her completely from his life. If he ignores your feelings completely then your relationship may have run its course.

You're not irrational. He's gaslighting you.

Thank you all for your replies. I certainly need to do some thinking.

@Haffiana when this all kicked off I deliberately didn't say to him it's her or me. I didn't think it would have been fair of me to say that even though I would have loved to have done so. I told him how uncomfortable I felt so then instead of easing my feelings he started hiding the amount of times he was delivering food or in contact with her

Regarding your mh... I would suggest previously it was fine. Now maybe not so..
Being with a man who needed his ego so openly stroked wouldn't be for me.

I would get an sti test for your own peace of mind...

@category12 has summed up the issue here precisely.

I had this with my current partner, he too has a very close female friend, who I'm pretty sure has feelings for him. We had a few arguments initially when I felt she behaved inappropriately (catty comments about my appearance, trying to convince him to dump me, calling him every time she knew we were on a date/holiday etc). However, I never told him he shouldn't see her, and in fact made great pains to say that I was happy to be friends with her, smooth the waters etc. Because I did not want her being a point of tension to the point he felt he had to hide things from me, or started resenting me for causing problems in his friendship.

My thinking was, if he wants to be with her, he would be. And if he allows her to impact our relationship by not imposing healthy boundaries, I'd walk away. But it's not ok for me to dictate his friendships. And like a friend said, the best thing I could do was be confident that I'm so amazing no other woman is going to be competition for his love.

My partner did put boundaries in of his own accord, like not responding to her messages/calls (unless an emergency) when we are spending quality time together. He doesn't tolerate any catty comments or negative opinions about me from her - and will tell her off. Most importantly he stopped being cagey about when they met up, and in turn I stopped feeling anxious about whether he was hiding anything. Also, the stronger our relationship has gotten, and the happier he feels with me, the more protective he gets of me. In fact, he now sees for himself that she can be inappropriate, and takes space.

If he hadn't done these things however, I would have walked away. While I don't believe in policing other people's friendships, you also have limits on what is acceptable - and if your partner is so emotionally invested in someone who admits feelings for him, and someone who disrespects you by flirting (in front of you), and he still makes no efforts to put in boundaries - he's not the one for you.

Thank you @Doodallysally

My fear is that because I was such a pushover at the start, I let it go on too long instead of nipping it in the bud as it looks like you and your DP did.

I guess it's time for a calm rational conversation and see where that takes us.

Thank you to all who've taken the time to reply. I really do appreciate the unbiased opinions.

Either you're a paranoid loon or he's gaslighting you. You know, really, which one it is. Don't you? You should have a little pissed off voice inside you, having a tantrum, and telling you he's an arse. That's the real you, and it's having a tantrum because you keep telling it to shut up.

I think your gut is screaming at you , she clearly wants him and it’s unfair for him to carry on a friendship with her knowing this in my opinion.
He is definitely has lighting you and is being pretty narcissistic to be honest in using your mental health issues as a reason as to why your apparently paranoid

he Is lying and gaslighting you. I think you deserve better.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s an affair happening in plain sight. Just because he turned her down once (on his say so - couldn’t help telling you it was on a plate rather than just tell you) doesn’t mean she isn’t offering time after time until he gives in - she sounds pretty persistent. I’m making it sound like all her because that’s the picture he’s painted but I wouldn’t be surprised if they haven’t had a sexual relationship at some point. I would take COVID out of the argument that’s a smokescreen and gives him an easy excuse to try to turn everything on you. Good luck with your chat.