The reality of divorcing an abuser

[Divorcing]

I'm interested in your thoughts. I have been on MN since TTC in 2014 and name changed. MN really helped me to make the decision to leave my verbally abusive H. I completely see why it was the right call.

But, things are tough.

I wanted to separate whilst my DD was young and she wouldn't remember that her parents split up. This isn't the reality. By the time I have my own space DD will be almost 8/9. That means living with my parents for up to 4 more years whilst he has family home.

He is very clever in what he does and has basically said to me that he will not make things easy. Solicitor says it could take up to four years to divorce if he does this. He has verbally admitted that he has been logging into my accounts using old passwords. But I can't prove any of this.

The school have picked me up on her not having adequate winter protection on days he drops her off. I have to argue with him to clean the house. He doesn't read to her, never does homework with her. He is an au pair at best. He is very clever as it is all subtle that isn't worth SS picking up on. Not enough to involve them.

He sees her every weekend and I can't change that unless an order is in place, with currently delays could take YEARS.

I filed for divorce in September last year. I still do not have the paperwork, up to a year delay reported by other MN users. So thats 12 months BEFORE anything can start to happen.

I am a lot stronger than I was. He does not have a hold on me like he did. So that I can protect her and sort out divorce later down the line.

I feel like I have made this decision to have a child with him and I should live with the consequences until DD is older. He is terribly racist, sexist and homophobic. None of it I can prove it is my word against his. Solicitor isn't confident that I would have a case to abstain contact. He doesn't take responsibility for anything and expects me as main earner to keep funding him. (I've taken a second and third opinion)

I don't want to be with him but the thought of another 4 + years like this, I just can't do it. The system sucks. It isn't as clear cut as LTB. I completely see why people decide to divorce once the kids are older. I look at my friends and family and none of them have perfect happy marriages. I have taken a lot of therapy over the last 18 months and I understand that I have become my mother. Something I am working on to break the chain.

My question is, do I give him conditions and move back into the family home whilst DD is young?

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person like you who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.