Can an abusive man change

[StartingAgainat31]

I think I know the answer to this, but currently I'm very sad. I asked my husband to leave our home in May, after realising what I was experiencing was emotional and verbal abuse. Initially I asked him to leave and get help, but he refused, so I said it was over. I can't emphasis this enough, this was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have adored this man for 14 years, I grew up with him. He is all I have ever known. Ultimately I did it for our daughter. I grew up in a toxic home and didn't want it for her.

Since this time I have muddled along ok. I have had counselling, sold our home, and am in the process of completing the sale and purchasing my own. He jumped straight into a new relationship, introduced our daughter. He was vile. There is no two ways about it. I have tried to meet jom half way on everything. He has pretty much 50% access to our daughter, we are splitting the assets 50%. He on the other hand accused me of restricting access to his daughter, threatened that I wasn't entitled to half of the house. He rewrote our history, making it out to be something it wasn't. Accusing me of forcing him into marriage and children. Accusing me of abuse.

This was until November, when he messaged me to tell me his relationship was over. Part of me wants to believe that he means the things he has said about how sorry he is. How much he loves me and how much he regrets what he has done. He has told me he wants to start an abusers programme.

And so now, instead of being confident in the way forward, my brain has started wondering if there might just be a chance for us. I'm remembering all of the lovely times. The shared experiences. The hope we had. And I'm really wondering. Can somebody change or am I just causing myself more pain by living with this glimmer of hope that I don't feel I can control? I feel like all the progress I have made in the last few months has been lost and I'm back to square one.

No he hasnt changed. He is currently messing with your head because he wants you back because the ow ran for the hills. I know it is tough but stay strong, it will be harder to escape the second time. Get some more counselling and remember you deserve happiness, your daughter deserves happiness and it isnt with him

Have you been on the Freedom Programme? You can self refer. It will help you to take a step back and get a clear and helpful perspective on your history and current situation.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Can abusers change? Sometimes. But its not common and they have to do an awful lot of work on themselves first. I suspect that your ex hasn't and it wouldn't take much for old behaviours and beliefs to emerge.

OP you must be in such a muddle. I am 56 and have had my share of terrible relationships including one similar to yours. I am truly sorry to say that finding a reformed abuser is similar to finding a pink unicorn. Look at the circumstances, his OW left him, he now has no one to stroke his ego, soothe his soul, wash his socks and have on tap sex with. So where does he go? Back to the woman he abused at the beginning with stories of how he will change and go on this course or that course. I have witnessed this 15 years ago with someone similar. Fast forward to today....he is still acting exactly the same despite all the promises but he is projecting it on to another unsuspecting woman. You have done brilliantly by getting yourself back on track....excellent work OP. Dont ruin all your work by listening to an abusers promises, you will feel a million times worse if you return and his old behaviours return, fairly swiftly.

Whether they can or not is somewhat immaterial, in general they choose not to. If you go back it is almost certain that nothing will have changed. You say that he "wants to" start on an abusers program, not that he actually has. Tell him to work on himself for the benefit of him, not to get back together and see how that goes down. If he really wants to become a better person he will. I would suggest that it is more likely just be saying it though.

No they get worse you need counselling thr freedom program and move on

Be clear with him you accept an amicable relationship for the sake of your child moving forward but you don't want a personal relationship with him I can almost guarantee he will grab onto another woman ASAP

in my experience, if you take them back, they might be ok for a little while, but they revert and, if anything, treat you worse. They lose respect for you, they hate you, and it starts again.

I'm sorry to say this, but he hasn't come back to you because he loves you, but because you're there for him. Maybe the grass wasn't greener. Why would you take him back? He treated you dreadfully? He hasn't changed.

The new fridge broke down, so he needs to shift the old one back out of storage and into use until his efforts afford him another new fridge.

Nothing more. This one isn't changing.

It's so common for abusers to rewrite the narrative of relationships op. He is textbook.

What he is doing is called narcissistic hoovering. His supply from the other woman ran out so now he wants to suck you in and suck you dry again.

Abusers are usually even worse if they get you back,because they have to punish you for leaving them.

I'm sorry op but there is no nice person in there. The nice guy is just a mask. Its bs. You gave a daughter to think of and she deserves to live free of seeing her mother abused. So that she will grow up strong and date men who treat her with respect.

Lundy bankroft worked with abusers for years and found that if anything therapy just backfired, it made them better and sneaker abusers.

Check out youtube videos on narcissists and how to deal with narcissists hoovering. Protect yourself. He will never be a decent human being.

NOOOO!! I mean, yes, they can, but he hasn't.

He's just very comfortable to trample all over your boundaries, and he's lonely. Your feelings won't have crossed his mind, nor will they when some other woman he's interested in starts flirting with him.

Keep your distance. It's horrible, and it's hard, but staying apart is easier than breaking up twice.

Get this into your head and believe it 100% He is not the man for you. It wouldn't cross Mr Right's mind to treat you the way he has.

No they can't. Even with counselling it just teaches them tricks to worsen the abuse.

Do not go back to him or engage in conversation about anything other than your daughter.

I don't think so - you can only move forward & protect yourself.

He's made no secret of why he's sooooo sorry, OP. He's back and "sorry" because he got dumped. He's back and "sorry" because he has nobody to wet his dick right now and he thinks it'll be easier and quicker to suck you back in for a bit than to find someone new from scratch. Then he'll dump YOU again when he has something else lined up.

He hasn't changed and the fact that he's back proves it. This is all part of the standard abusive man script and cycle. If an abuser was genuinely sorry, he'd get himself into therapy and stick with it and leave you alone until he could truly prove he'd changed, not spout empty verbiage about how he WILL do therapy, but only if until he gets you hooked back in again.

I don't believe he will change - the pink unicorn comment above is correct.

But let's, for one crazy moment, believe that it were possible. If he really wants to change, he will Change whatever the state of your relationship. He will understand that you don't want to dive back into a relationship with him, because he is an abuser and needs to change first, and prove he has changed, before you even consider that.

Give it 5 years, see how you feel about maybe dating him then.

I think you need to re read your OP many times and stay focussed on your new future for your DD

The other woman left. That says it all. If he can't sustain his "nice" persona for a new relationship then he's not going to sustain it for you.
Leopards and their spots.

No they don't, it's just words he thinks you want to hear, spoken to hook you back in.. you've already wasted 14 years, please don't waste anymore!
I speak from 12 years experience.

What you really need to think about is risk / reward.

Is the vanishingly small likelihood of this abusive man changing his entire personality worth the risk of the damage he would do to your daughter if he follows the much more likely path of not changing?

By damage to your daughter I mean, at minimum, showing her that it's acceptable for men to verbally abuse women, that relationships are meant to be tense, dramatic and fearful for women and that once a man has got you pregnant, he gets to dictate the terms of your relationship for life.

Is he worth the risk of your daughter replicating this relationship as an adult? And the guilt of feeling complicit in that happening?

I wouldn’t want to experiment on my own life to see. Even if they had changed, I think you couldn’t properly love and respect them because of how they’d treated you. The trust and faith is gone.

Even if he can change, he needs to prove it. It makes no sense to get back with him whilst he’s seeking help, he hasn’t proven himself, he’s still toxic. He needs to be an absolute saint for a solid few years before you even entertain his messages. And even then, there’s absolutely no point in wasting your life waiting for him as there’s a massive risk in that he’ll fall back into his old ways. Meanwhile there’s men out there that are ready to treat you right...immediately.

There’s no point considering this, you broke up for a reason.

Just popping in (and speaking from experience) to vehemently agree with what all previous posters are saying. Being alone for the rest of your life would be infinitely preferable to giving him another moment of your time beyond what you need to do for coparenting. You are a courageous and inspiring mum for showing your daughter a better way.

No No and thrice no, well done for getting away x