40 plus years and I know no one

[whatcanmynewusernamebe]

Been living in same town for 40 plus years. Looking to separate from dh after 20 years. I have one v good friend who I do everything with. I have a few acquaintances who I see every 6 weeks ish (in normal times) but they never want to go out, just drinks/dinner at home. I've spent the last 16 years bringing up my kids, running the family home and just being wife and mum.
Where the hell do I go from here ?
Its embarrassing only having the 1 friend. If I met a new bloke it would be embarrassing. if/when I leave dh I will be sitting home alone on my child free weekends, if my other 1 friend is busy. A 20 year old friendship with another woman went down the pan 3 years ago. Her doing. Reconnecting is not an option.

The easiest way to socialise with like-minded people is at work. Have you considered getting a job?

Don’t worry about it potentially being embarrassing if you meet a man. In my dating experience, men often seem to be less friend-orientated than women. I have dated a couple of men who didn’t even seem to have close friends, I didn’t judge them for it.

Seeing people every 6 ish weeks sounds pretty good to me plus dinner and drinks is standard for the people I meet too (it’s an age and stage thing). I totally respect how you feel but I wonder if you us think you are missing out on more than you are?

I work 30 hours a week. Im slowly connecting with 2 and doing all i can to establish the connection further. Joining clubs will be hard as I would have the children a lot and the youngest cannot be left

Obviously it's difficult in Covid times but if you live in a town surely there are groups/clubs you can join - I live in a very small town but I meet people through Church, PTA, (long time ago but still friends with the mums I met there), WI, Book Club, gym & slimming club (no longer go but still know people I met there), local politics, Film Club, walking groups etc etc. You have to get out and about to meet people - what do you enjoy doing?

You’ve described my life. I don’t have anymore friends than that. I was supposed to meet up with someone for a walk yesterday and she didn’t even turn up! I have no idea how to do this. I think it has to be work. I’ve decided to job hunt and try and find anything sociable. Just get something, anything. Being a SAHM ruins lives

You can do all those things when you have your child free weekends - surely it would be better to concentrate on yourself and finding hobbies/interests etc than worrying about what a hypothetical 'boyfriend' thinks about your lack of social life.

Hobby? Joining clubs can be a good way to meet new people. I moved to a new city in my early 30s and since I split with my ex have realised that I never really made a network here. Have been focusing on that this last 18 months, though covid obvs playing havoc with it. But I’m getting there - it’s hard in your 30s though, if you don’t have kids, but I’m getting there. I started doing stuff, going to the social events instead of leaving after class etc.

I think you're overthinking this OP

We're in the middle of a pandemic, nobody is going out.

Quality over quantity anyway

It's so, so hard at the moment anyway and doubly hard if you have young children.

Can you join any clubs that are currently online? A local bookclub that meets on Zoom (or offer to set one up) or an online boot amp or yoga group? Or a local parents & toddlers or homeschool support group? Then when things are back to normal and you meet face to face, gradually you get to know these people, have Christmas drinks with them, can invite them for summer drinks etc and eventually friendships form.

It sounds like you're doing OK. TBH! It is very daunting, splitting up from DH after so long, but I think you're overestimating how many people have loads of friends they see 2 or 3 times a week!

Agree with PP, quality over quantity, and it sounds like you're doing the making the right moves about how to make friends (and yes, no-one is going out ATM, we are all staring at the same 4 walls!)

class being a SAHM ruins lives - this is not the thread for the usual SAHM vs WOHM argument but I totally disagree - being a SAHM for 12 years was a fantastic opportunity for me to widen my circle and find lots of new hobbies and interests - and therefore find loads of like minded friends. IMHO it's about your attitude to getting involved in things outside your own front door - and whether you are in paid employment or not is not always relevant.

It's very easy to assume especially through the filter of social media that everyone else has a much better social life than you!

In reality what you have described sounds very normal for a 40-something parent. My best friend lives the other side of the country, in the the city I live I have a small handful of people (all met through work) that I can meet up with every couple of months for a walk / coffee / dinner. If I want to go to a gig / cinema (in normal times!) then I mostly go alone.

I'm quite content with this state of affairs but if you're not then look on something like Meetup or City Socialiser for a group that matches your interests.

I agree with pp it actually sounds like you've already got a good balance. Having one really close friend plus a few others to hang out with (when you can) sounds ideal. It is so tough at the moment as its not like we can see anyone anyway! I felt like this yesterday so organised a zoom call with one friend which was lovely and helped me feel a bit better about it all.
Also don't be tempted to make friends with everyone you come accross just because they happen to be there, focus on the people you genuinely have a connection/ have things in common with. Focus on making yourself happy first and the rest will fall into place.

Acquaintances you see every 6 weeks-ish for dinner/drinks in amazed you don't count as friends, are you sure they're only acquaintances? 😬
I think it's the end of an era and you are about to embark on a whole other chapter, your friendship landscape is a direct reflection of where the focus of your energies has (quite rightly) been. Once you are single you will find you have a different rhythm and reasons to see other people. Virus limitations aside you will be joining in with things that other people in a similar situation are also drawn to, and I think it will naturally branch you out.
I imagine you won't want to drive straight into a full time relationship so by the time that's your priority you may well have built your single live into a vibrant and happening scene.

Sorry just read your update about youngest not being able to be left. That will make logistics trickier, any of those dinner acquaintances able to trade babysitting favours?

Thanks for all the replies. I've concentrated so much on the kids and family home that my own needs have gone out the window. My 1 regular friend has lots of friends and she takes me with her to see them (when permitted), there is one particular woman I get on v well with. I could be pushing at an open door with this person but at this stage i feel it would be weird for me to contact this woman direct and without going through my friend ? This woman brought me a Christmas gift and vice versa, which was arranged through the friend. But I don't know how to fully 'get in' with this woman and I worry about my friend thinking I'm stepping on her toes.
I go to the gym but how do I make friends there ? People go different times, I don't do any classes. I haven't made any close mum friends at school because of my son being diagnosed with special needs and me and my son being ostracised. My son moved schools and is now in secondary school anyway where there isn't a 'school gate' chat option.
For the last 20 years all I have known is home life and the children. I see people I know (of) on fbook seemingly connecting with loads of others. I feel so left out

I've joined my local meet up too
@realisticsketch - I do class them as friends but not people who I could call on at 3am with an emergency or just say im popping in for a cuppa as I'm passing type of thing. It has to all be organised/pre arranged. No bbq invites or anything, just a drink and maybe a meal every 6 weeks. These are not friends who I could say about getting together new years eve, there are 2 of them and they both said they were coming to my house warming a year ago. Neither turned up on the night, there was no message to say they weren't coming. They don't know each other.

Hmmmm, the lady you mention is giving a clear message of friendship in a Xmas gift. Think you are overthinking that one. Why not mention to your one friend that you would like to nourish your friendships more now that you have the time and say 'do you think X would like that?'.
This isn't necessary but it reassures you, because your friend then knows that you'll be more Pro-active so not surprised if she isn't your middle man anymore, and doubtless would give her approval for such a move.
That would be a good start. It might get your confidence up for another step.

Gyms are funny places, most people go for functional rather than social purposes unless you are a regular in a particular class you might get lucky.
I think a support group for people in a similar situation to your own is the most likely place where you will find people open to connecting to new friends.

surely it would be better to concentrate on yourself and finding hobbies/interests etc than worrying about what a hypothetical 'boyfriend' thinks about your lack of social life.

I agree with this. If you are planning to end your marriage, you need to focus on finding interests and activities that give you a rich and fulfilling life for yourself, rather than just so you can find a new man.

I think you are seriously overestimating the social circles that most people have. You sound perfectly average, in fact I think somewhat above average in the amount of contact and friendship you have outside the house. There are numerous threads on MN from people who genuinely have no one at all to talk to, friends let alone close friends and dysfunctional family. I think you are worrying too much about the future, maybe as a displacement from worrying about the present? If you need/want to split, do so, but don't let the perceived difficulty in making friends influence it

@classiestgal being sham ruined my career but what it did give me was a load of new friends. I made friends everywhere baby groups, toddler groups, pre school, primary school plus picking up some hobbies of my own. My kids are teens and I now work but I still have loads of new friends that I only made once I had them.

I’ve got one very close friend but honestly would prefer that than several not so close friends..