I want sex, I'm single, I can't find anyone to trust

[famousforwrongreason]

I have been having virtual sex with a guy who hits all the right spots. We had a actual sex too, he's amazing and there's huge chemistry but he has also exposed some odd view which make me feel a bit bleurgh which is a real shame as I thought we were progressing on to something more once we're able to meet but I think he's an arch manipulator.
So I regularly use Vibrators which are OK and frequently give myself some epic orgasms, but not a substitute for real sex with a hot firm hairy bod and some decent snogging!
This guy had amazing hands and everything I'd be looking for in a lover, all so funny creative, bright etc but again, patronising and possibly predatory.
I cope but am finding it increasingly difficult to meet guys, obviously even harder in lockdown but I have come off all date sites as they were wholly dire. The only guy who was remotely attractive and I wanted to meet wasn't an easy online conversationalist, I'd have loved to have met him as physically he was very much my type but I found messaging him boring and I was into these fun conversations with the other guy. wish I had made more effort with him now, at least got contact details!
I like being single most of the time but celibate is very difficult. I miss physical intimacy, I miss dick. I need to have sex etc but I don't want to keep going through the hassle of yet another bore, disappointment or loon. It all seems so fraught, sad and risky.
and, now approaching my 50s, despite still taking a pride in my appearance, joyous hobbies, lovely kids with lots of friends an interesting job etc I realise that I am almost at the point of becoming invisible to men. This was never the case, as a youngster I was strikingly beautiful but I genuinely had no idea until an ex boyfriend gave me loads of old photos of me in my teens.
It broke my heart to see as I'd had so many offers from lovely men but never thought I was worth it so always went for the ones who were no good for me so of course have a lot of negative relationships history
I am somewhat upset by the thought that I might never have sex again unless I massively lower standards or join a hook up site when I don't really feel like having sex with any old random sex person off the sex sites which I find quite grim.

Any ideas or people in similar situations?

Well, I'm 50 and have had loads of sex since I split up with my ex. I've been in a few relationships with men I met online and I'm in one now.

Online dating is great if you have the right mindset. Keep your standards high, get to know them and have patience- there's no rush.

You sound a bit confused as to what you want: on the one hand you say you want sex; on the other, that it’s important to have lengthy text conversations and shared views / interests. It isn’t impossible to find someone both to have sex with and whose company you enjoy, but you need to be clear with yourself and others what it is you’re looking for, or you’re both going to end up frustrated.

Of the FWBs I’ve had that I’ve met online, I’ve always used Tinder and OKC and set out really clearly in my profile what I’m looking for: a non-complicated emotional, intellectual and sexual connection with somebody who wants to go on dates which usually involve sex, but who doesn’t want anything beyond that because I also have a primary partner, a full-on job, an active social life, and hobbies, and am not in a position to offer anything else (someone who wanted to chat all the time by text would be totally off the cards for me!)

I’ve never had trouble getting interest with that, and I’ve never had a bad date or met a man I disliked (several where there was no mutual chemistry and we didn’t take it further, but nobody bad.) Be clear and open about who you are and what you want and others will approach and respond to you on that level. Or that’s my experience, anyway.

@ComtesseDeSpair

You sound a bit confused as to what you want: on the one hand you say you want sex; on the other, that it’s important to have lengthy text conversations and shared views / interests. It isn’t impossible to find someone both to have sex with and whose company you enjoy, but you need to be clear with yourself and others what it is you’re looking for, or you’re both going to end up frustrated.

Of the FWBs I’ve had that I’ve met online, I’ve always used Tinder and OKC and set out really clearly in my profile what I’m looking for: a non-complicated emotional, intellectual and sexual connection with somebody who wants to go on dates which usually involve sex, but who doesn’t want anything beyond that because I also have a primary partner, a full-on job, an active social life, and hobbies, and am not in a position to offer anything else (someone who wanted to chat all the time by text would be totally off the cards for me!)

I’ve never had trouble getting interest with that, and I’ve never had a bad date or met a man I disliked (several where there was no mutual chemistry and we didn’t take it further, but nobody bad.) Be clear and open about who you are and what you want and others will approach and respond to you on that level. Or that’s my experience, anyway.

Thank you @ComtesseDeSpair In lockdown the least I can hope for is some decent messaging, but in an idea world I'd be dating in real life, lengthy online conversation isn't my long term goal.

@Sakurami

Well, I'm 50 and have had loads of sex since I split up with my ex. I've been in a few relationships with men I met online and I'm in one now.

Online dating is great if you have the right mindset. Keep your standards high, get to know them and have patience- there's no rush.

Thank you. I think I've had a lot of build up to sex with this other guy and was really excited about getting together when we can and dealing with the pent up sexual tention. Now I've binned him off for being unnerving, I have nowhere to go with all this sex energy

I think society has done a number on women ( and men) that has inprinted a fear of aging and ending up alone as is scary and horrible prospect.
You wil be still attractive to the same numbers of men and your age experience and independence will be qualities that they look for.
But one of the greatest quality anyone can have is confidence ( not arrogance) whatever age you are. You dont need to settle, although you may look for different things in a man, you shouldnt feel worried that something is better than nothing.

@ComtesseDeSpair

What about your primary partner, does he /she do the same??
Is there not a worry that either of you may fall for someone else?
No judgements , your relationship sounds great but I am not sure I would stop the green eyed monster.

Yes, he sees other women as well. One I’d count among my closest friends. We both recognise that we have a lot of differing interests as well as a lot of similar ones; and that pushing square pegs into round holes by trying to insist we should be each other’s everything would be counterproductive. Jealousy isn’t really something I can identify with, any more than I can believe in God, care about a football team, or be afraid of cats. Everyone’s different though and I can understand why many people feel jealousy even if I don’t myself. I do think, though, that everyone owes it to themselves to examine why they’re so attached to monogamy and whether it’s an innate need or one born from social constructs, as part of wider self-reflection on what they want and need from a relationship and how best to find it.

He might fall in love with somebody else, yes. But people fall in love with other people and out of love with their partner all the time in monogamous relationships. Your partner possibly falling out of love or meeting somebody else is a risk you take when you get into any kind of relationship. And we fit together better than anyone either of us knows, so for now at least I don’t think either of us can imagine anything changing.

So, im in my early 20s, but with the dating sites, think of it as chatting to random people at a bar. It'll take quite a bit of sifting through the rubbish, but I met my amazing partner earlier this year, so if you can stand the hassle then view it that way.