I miss my hometown, but have a family

[Roxxii63]

I grew up in Hampshire and moved to London 7 years ago, have been with my other half for 6 years and we have a 2 year old together. I never wanted to live in London but I moved here as I had no choice except to move with my mum at the time. If it wasn't for meeting my partner I would have moved back a LONG time ago. I really do love him to pieces and we have a really healthy, happy relationship. But I know he doesn't want to leave London and has no plans to in the future. I miss my hometown like crazy, all my friends are back there, my life is there and I don't know anyone in London and I hate being here, so it's really lonely for me, all I have is my other half and toddler. I often get down about this, but lately it's been really bad, I have lost my appetite completely and I've actually been looking at flats down South. I'm just so scared to even mention it to him because I just don't want to hurt him or ruin our relationship. I'm stuck in a catch 22, do I stay with him and feel lonely and miserable in London, or do I leave him and go home to everything I miss?!

Well going home now you wouldn’t get to see your friends face to face anyway. So I’d use this time to reflect on whether you are seeing Hampshire with a rose tinted lense. The good and bad point of both places. Things you could do to make more friends in London. Things your partner could do on his interests in Hampshire.

Obviously you can’t do much at the moment, but what have you done to try and build a life there in the time you’ve been there? If you did move back, how would you support yourself? Where would you live? Who would help with childcare if you have to work? Are your friends at similar stages in their own lives? Because if they don’t have children, you might find that you don’t slot in as seamlessly as you’d hoped.

Also, I’d consider the practicalities. What happens if he goes for joint custody? Can you afford to do weekly journeys from Hampshire to London to facilitate your child seeing its father?

@Sn0tnose

Obviously you can’t do much at the moment, but what have you done to try and build a life there in the time you’ve been there? If you did move back, how would you support yourself? Where would you live? Who would help with childcare if you have to work? Are your friends at similar stages in their own lives? Because if they don’t have children, you might find that you don’t slot in as seamlessly as you’d hoped.

Also, I’d consider the practicalities. What happens if he goes for joint custody? Can you afford to do weekly journeys from Hampshire to London to facilitate your child seeing its father?

I've tried making friends at work, I've joined parent pages, gone to events, used apps to try meet local people, I just don't get on too well with anyone I've met or spoke to, 7 years in. Money isn't an issue, so could support myself and get a place fairly easily. Childcare would be the same as it is now, I get free hours and little one is with a childminder, I would just find a new minder. I have a few friends with older children, a few friends with children of the same as mine and and a few friends with no children, so a good variety to sport whichever needs are required.

Also custody isn't an issue I wouldn't at all deprive him of whenever he wanted to see our child, I'm sure we could come to an arrangement about both of us picking up and dropping off.

If your relationship is good then surely, upon finding out how strongly you felt about London, your DP would have a serious look at moving?

@SendHelp30

If your relationship is good then surely, upon finding out how strongly you felt about London, your DP would have a serious look at moving?

@SendHelp30 he feels as strongly about London (his hometown) as I do about mine

Can you identify exactly what it is you miss about your home? Is it the place? (That’s harder to rectify) The family? Hampshire isn’t far from London and you could visit at least twice a month. The people? I know you’ve said you’ve tried to join groups but London is a massive city and there will definitely be people there you can be friends with.

Ultimately, no, yanbu, if the only thing that would make you happy is to move back to where you were born then in makes sense to do that, but you should have the decency to tell your partner that is what you will do. I also can’t help but think there’s something more than an issue of being about 90mins drive away from your family.

I was in a similar situation years ago, just felt terribly homesick and needed to move back to where my family live. Best move I ever made. Yes I miss the attraction of living in the city but it is outweighed by having my sister and family just down the road and my mother close by. Ironically my best mate did a reversal and moved to the city where I moved back from and now she is terribly homesick and wants to be close to her family!!! She is lonely and the friendships she has made are no comparison to being near her siblings and old friends. The more kids you have the more trapped you will be. I would make the move back as this will never go away xxx

I would make the move back as this will never go away

Different perspective. It does go away. And it takes a long time to make old friends. I moved 13 years ago and felt like you do about the same time. I'm great now, with lovely friends. But it took ages! Years.

If you do end up deciding you have to leave I'd check with a lawyer before you tell your DP you're going with or without him. He may be able to block your child moving with you if he is willing to do majority of care. It's not a distance at which you could do 50/50 once school starts and your DP may be able to successfully argue it's not in DCs best interest to have an EOW type care arrangement with a father that wants to share care.