Husband swears at me in front of DS

[Anya20]

We have a newborn ds2 and ds1 who is 2.5 years old. We are having a tough time, bc he works full time, we do have a nanny for ds1 at the moment as we are not sending him to nursery due to corona, she does not cook however - so just entertains him and changes nappy, takes him out as I’ve got the newborn.

I do all the cooking for ds, dh and I lunch and dinner. Life is stressful for all of us with lockdown 😭.

He blows up at me almost twice per week and usually at the weekend which then ruins the weekend. Apparently it’s usually when he thinks I am ‘ nagging him’ etc and then he will become very aggressive and usually swear at me ‘ to f off or today called me a f* cu** in from of ds1. He was shouting at me and Ds1 started to cry.

This is not that unusual and can occur once every two weeks usually.

He thinks it’s an argument and then after a day or two of not talking to each other will just say ‘ can we stop arguing now’. If I say I am still upset then I am the one ‘continuing the argument’ .

Is it ok for him to talk to me this way? I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do.

Of course it's not ok and you know it's not.

That is not ok. That is not normal.

This is abuse to both you and your children. There are lots of options. You are responsible for keeping two children safe ( you don’t have sole responsibility - that’s not what I said). Sort it now before the kids suffer further.

No way would that be accepted in any normal family! I am not anti swearing but swearing at someone is always aggressive and unacceptable.

Life with 2 young dc is stressful, especially right now, but you have a nanny. Most people don’t have that luxury and making food for yourself dh and dc is normal when your the parent at home. I can’t see how your life is harder than anyone else with 2 dc but no matter how stressed dh gets he can’t speak to you like that!

It’s horrible. Have you family that you can speak to?

Do you have family you could go to?

It's not ok, it's abusive. Don't accept that sort of behaviour as a role model for your children.

I had a similar life with the man I am currently divorcing. I asked him to leave after one such occasion and I had two small kids with SEN , one just 6 months old. It’s unbearable.

Awful and totally unacceptable behaviour from him.

No, not ok and to do it in front of your children shows a serious lack of boundaries.
My father was like this and damaged my self confidence as a child.
She divorced him when I was 29 but it lasted our whole childhood, walking on eggshells around him.

I’ve just divorced one of these. Life is Way better.

What kind of upbringing did you have that makes you think for one second that this could be ok behaviour ?

Thanks for all the replies. My dad has just had a cancer operation and literally came out of hospital a couple of days ago. I can’t go and stay there because I’ll be a burden.

I want to leave but I don’t even know where to go.

Don’t leave your home. Ask him to leave the next time he calls you a c you next Tuesday.

This is appalling and abusive.

It’s not at all OK, no one should put up with this.

What would you like to happen - if you suggested you all need a break, would he move out for a bit?

I think the best thing would be him to move out. He is likely to to refuse and think I’m making mountains out of molehills.

It’s not ok at all
He should absolutely not be swearing at you like that. Can you ask your friends or family for some support?

Show him this-

Hi @Anya20 husband- You are setting a HORRIBLE example for your children and you are being an abusive shit. You NEVER, EVER call the mother of your children names- or any other woman for that matter! Would you call your mum or your child a c@nt?!- didn’t think so. Stop being an abuser before you lose your family. And trust me- it will happen- one day your wife will get so tired of your name calling (especially in front of your children) that she will realise she’s better off without you. Only you can change this behaviour- if you’re angry- GO FOR A WALK OR SOMETHING but never call your wife names! Do not let your sons grow up to think this is acceptable!

@imalmosthere

Of course it's not ok and you know it's not.

That’s not helpful. There is no need for you to be rude.

Thats not an argument op, that's abuse. And very abusive at that.

Get yourself and your wee one free of him.

Is it ok for him to talk to me this way

He minimises your feelings, and, crucially, so do you.

You know this is not ok. You know. Validate yourself. Don't minimise your feelings. You must feel awful, and yet you play it down.

Have you got any support in real life? Does anybody know what you're going through? Have you considered contacting Women's Aid? They have seen many, many people who are in situations just like yours. They will know what to do, and they will be able to offer you advice regarding risks, and the right order to do things in, in order to get you out of this situation.

Set your kids the example of 'If somebody treats you badly, you get away from them' rather than 'If somebody treats you badly, you stay and take it.'

Keep posting, if it helps you. There is lots of support here.

That would be a deal breaker for me, there's no way I'd stay with someone who was verbally abusive towards me, plus what are the kids going to think growing up.

You have sons. They will be absorbing his behaviour and It will be shaping the men they will become. To call you a c@nt is vile in any circumstances. It is his responsibility to control what comes out of his mouth and curb his temper. He chooses to treat you that way and can chose not to if he wants to. Read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that’ and speak to women’s aid. You are not arguing with him! He is abusing you. He’s nasty! I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. We don’t plan for our lives to pan out like this. It’s not your fault. Sending you strength to handle this and find a better life. 💐