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Relationships

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Original poster

Do I continue my relationship??

24 replies

Kookie93 · 10/01/2021 20:42

Hi, ive been with my OH for over 2 years. We are in love and I feel like he truly is my soul mate.
However I suffer with mental health issues and have a tenancy to over think situations.

I'm 27 and he is 37. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I'd love to have another baby while I'm still young however he doesnt want any children. At the beginning he did, and after talking about it I booked in to have my implant removed so we could start trying and I were super excited then the day I were meant to go he changed his mind. It broke my heart.
Now I've spoken at great lengths with him about us moving in together in 1-2 years time. He doesnt want to, he likes his own space and currently can't manage the kids 24/7 (they are super well behaved, with normal childlike tendencies 😅) and finally....... sex...... I have a high sex drive (even with mental health issues) and we hardly ever have sex and if we do im the instigator and it just doesn't feel the same as it used to
I just don't know what to do. Do I hold out in the hope he would change his mind and eventually we would move in together or am I wasting my time ??

I truly do love him and I am willing to wait my problem is if I wait 5 years and we are still in the same boat I will have felt like I'd wasted my time.

please help !!!

OP posts:

Ntwa · 10/01/2021 20:51

Hey, I've been hoping my dp will move with me.. 4 yrs now.. I finished things a couple of days ago.. I'm not 'hoping' anymore. If you want children that would probably be the biggest deal breaker. I hope it works out for you

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/01/2021 22:00

I think he's made it pretty clear you're not his long term future. Bin him off now, especially if you want another child.

AnotherStupidQuestion · 11/01/2021 06:54

It's a bit of a non starter really isn't it?

You both want completely different things out of life.

Even if he eventually conceded to move in with you, he won't be any sort of dad to your children and he is clear that he doesnt want one of his own.

At 37, he will be very clear about what he wants from his life and, whilst he clearly gets something out of being with you, he is not planning for a future with you if he is stating that he won't move in with you.

I know that I don't want any more children and there is absolutely nothing that would make/have made me change my mind on that. Even a man I dearly loved who was desperate for one. You can't force a child on someone who doesn't want one

He is certain he doesnt want any and doesnt want to live with yours as much as you are certain that you want another. He is as likely to come round to your way of thinking as you are to his.

That's the way to look at it.

Wiredforsound · 11/01/2021 07:02

Sounds like he’s checked out. He’s backtracking on earlier agreements - he doesn’t want kids, he doesn’t want to move in with you. He doesn’t want to have sex with you. Those are the facts. It’s up to you what you do with them.

Shoxfordian · 11/01/2021 07:17

It doesn’t seem like he’s committed to you in the same way you are to him. He doesn’t want to live with you, changed his mind about having a baby and doesn’t even want to sleep with you. Sounds like he’s waiting for you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy

I don’t see how he’s your soulmate when you seem so incompatible

femfemlicious · 11/01/2021 07:37

I think that you should examine your decision making dkills. You are already a single mother of 2...now you are wanting to have a child with someone you are not even living with talkless of married to?. I thinl he is right not to want to have a child under these circumstances.

normalmumandwife · 11/01/2021 07:53

Why would you start trying for a baby when he doesn't even live with you? Aside from that he now clearly doesn't want a baby.

I agree you need to look at the decisions you are making or you will just end up adding a third child as a single parent.

Why not get the relationship right first, perhaps get married and then have a baby? More chance of it being long lasting?

Clymene · 11/01/2021 08:40

So he doesn't want a baby, doesn't want to move in with you and doesn't want sex.

Not much going for him is there? The phrase flogging a dead horse comes to mind.

If those are all things you want, this isn't the man for you.

Clymene · 11/01/2021 08:41

And you're really not overthinking this. If anything, you're not thinking about it enough.

Lemonpiano · 11/01/2021 08:42

You are not compatible.

Dery · 11/01/2021 09:26

“you're really not overthinking this. If anything, you're not thinking about it enough.”

This. Please don’t get hung up on things like soulmates. It’s really unhelpful. You need a partner who wants the same things as you. As it is, he wants the opposite to you in all key matters. At 37, he’s old enough to know his mind. And 2 years in, he’s moving further away from you not closer together. So he was talking about living together and having children during the honeymoon phase but he’s retreating now that you’re 2 years in ie now that you know each other better.

If you were right for each other, you would be moving towards these things but he’s moving away. That’s a bad sign. That means he doesn’t want those things with you. We all know of men who said they didn’t want children but who then go on to have them with a future partner. What he’s saying is he doesn’t want to have them with you.

You’re only 27 - you’ve got plenty of time to find a future partner who wants to share these things with you. It’s up to you how much more time you want to waste with this guy but it seems pretty clear you will be wasting your time. And as PP said - what is the rush to have children? You already have 2 and you’re only 27. It would be better for your existing and future children to wait until you are married and properly settled.

Miffyliffy · 11/01/2021 09:46

@Ntwa

I'm so glad for you that you put your foot down, there's nothing worse than waiting for someone and you'd be waiting forever. If they want it, they make it happen.

Op I think you need to cut the cord, there is someone out there for you that won't keep you waiting and won't talk rubbish to you about having a baby. What he did is cruel, you and your kids deserve better. If he can't handle your kids he doesn't deserve you.

Please move on.

Wanderlusto · 11/01/2021 09:51

He really isn't your soul mate. He doesnt want kids and you do. He doesnt want to live together and you do. And he let you have an invasive medical procedure and then 'changed his mind', what a wanker.

OP he is 37 and I think you should trust that as a grown man he knows his own mind, he does not want what you want. On the basis of him fannying you about (with your hormonal contraceptive) he'd be out the door tbh. At best, he didnt give a shit about your body before thinking things through and at worst it was deliberately manipulative to say yes to kids and then, whip the carpet out from under you.

Tbf, you shouldnt be thinking of kids with a man you've never lived with anyway. It's a bit... ...mental.

Throw him back op. Or at the very least, get back on contraception. You do not want to fall pregnant to this guy anytime soon, he will bolt.

Jobsharenightmare · 11/01/2021 09:53

You want completely different things OP. He is being really clear about that. To me he is saying how things are now is working well for him and therefore you have to decide if this, right now, is enough for you. Clearly it isn't.

seensome · 11/01/2021 10:05

You are wasting time with him, he doesn't seem that into you, makes you wonder why men like this hang around he doesn't even want sex. Is he boring and commitment phobe.

Ntwa · 11/01/2021 10:31

Not high jacking the thread but miffyliffy thanks for your reply.. I'm not going to lie it's v v hard.. Its not what I want and it certainly isn't what he wants.. But I'm also under no illusion that I won't get a proper future out of him.

Anordinarymum · 12/01/2021 02:50

@Kookie93

Hi, ive been with my OH for over 2 years. We are in love and I feel like he truly is my soul mate. However I suffer with mental health issues and have a tenancy to over think situations.

I truly do love him and I am willing to wait my problem is if I wait 5 years and we are still in the same boat I will have felt like I'd wasted my time.

please help !!!

So he doesn't want to commit to anything really and you want a baby with him ? This will not end well

Norwolf · 12/01/2021 02:52

Move on, he is not into you.

VegemiteIsToasty · 12/01/2021 05:05

You want different things out of the relationship, and it seems like you’re the “good enough for now” person for him. If you insist there is going to be a future and keep holding in and hoping, it won’t be a happy ever after one.

Sunflower1970 · 12/01/2021 05:14

The fact he can ‘t cope with the two kids you already have is a massive red flag that this relationship has zero chance of surviving.

Aprilx · 12/01/2021 05:32

You are definitely under thinking not over thinking this one. I am astonished that you are 27 with two children already and were planning a third with a man you are not married to or even living with! Sort those things out before bringing a child into the world.

This man is not your soulmate, you sound incompatible and he seems to be taking a step back from the relationship. You are right, you could end up wasting another five years on this and being no further forward.

Doodallysally · 12/01/2021 22:29

OP, you've mentioned he already finds your 2 children a bit too much to handle. Why do you think he'd be able to manage a baby AND 2 children?

I'm very surprised you were thinking of having a third child with him before you did the due diligence of how he actually copes with your existing children....

He's 37. He know what he wants and doesn't and isn't going to change his mind. Even if he does want kids eventually maybe the thought of 3 children is too much for him? Either way, you're both not compatible in what you want. Walk away and find someone who wants a child with you, but spend time getting to know them, living with them, seeing how they are around children before making your decision.

category12 · 12/01/2021 23:08

He doesn't want dc - you want more. That's a dealbreaking, fundamental incompatibility. He doesn't want what you want.

He doesn't cope well with your dc. Living together won't work. It's extremely sensible of him not to move in knowing he won't deal well with the children. He's doing you all a favour by having more sense than you do about it.

You're already dissatisfied with your sexlife with him. He's 10 years older than you, his sex drive is more likely to wane further than it is to improve. You're 27 and your sexdrive is likely to increase as women's sex drive supposedly peaks in your 30s/40s.

This relationship hasn't got legs, be sensible about it.

EarthSight · 12/01/2021 23:11

He doesnt want to, he likes his own space and currently can't manage the kids 24/7

There you have it. I don't think you're going to have children with this man.

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