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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get over longing for another child?

27 replies

holleebush · 10/01/2021 20:36

For the last few months I have been obsessing over the thought of having another baby, so much so that my period makes me cry because it breaks my heart that I’m not pregnant. It never leaves my mind. My partners sister is due in just a few weeks and it makes my chest hurt talking to/seeing her, but I am also so happy for her. My partner isn’t ready yet, and we’re not trying, but he promises he will be one day and I’m fine with that. I already have an absolutely beautiful 4 year old who is my entire heart, soul, and more.
I in no way want to force my partner or make him feel like I’m guilting him, I just want to stop this constant obsessing.
Does anyone have any tips?xx

OP posts:
Maca07166 · 10/01/2021 20:40

Can’t you put a time frame in place with your partner?

Deep down he may not want another.

Original poster
holleebush · 10/01/2021 20:51

@Maca07166 We have talked about it in detail so many times, and we have agreed that it will happen within the next 5 years because having more children is a deal breaker for me.
I’m happy with the answers he has given, I just have no idea how to stop longing. X

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 10/01/2021 20:53

I would worry he doesn't want them. People who want children don't tend to artificially hang around.

Original poster
holleebush · 10/01/2021 21:02

@topcat2014 obviously I have no way of knowing how he feels, and I do get concerned that he doesn’t want them. However, my child isn’t biologically his, but he has brought him up and sees my son as his own, and he always talks about giving him a sibling and having another x

OP posts:
seensome · 10/01/2021 21:02

That would be quite an age gap with your son, sorry for being nosey but is it his son? Waiting another 5 years is a long time, why that long, surely it would be better to have them closer together or you'll be setting yourself back to babies again when your son is 9 years old.
Maybe try and compromise on that a bit? Sorry but if your longing then that doesn't go away.

Wanderlusto · 10/01/2021 21:04

Watch some childbirth videos. That'll soon put you off.

seensome · 10/01/2021 21:04

Crossed posts
That is what I was worried about, he's not his son so maybe he's not really wanting children of his own.

Original poster
holleebush · 10/01/2021 21:04

@seensome no, my son isn’t biologically his. We live together and he sees my son as his own.
That’s my argument too! I want them to be close in age, and always say why would you want a child with independence and then a baby, but he doesn’t see it that way. I’ll try talking to him again.
Darn, the longing is the hardest x

OP posts:
Original poster
holleebush · 10/01/2021 21:06

@Wanderlusto had a horrific labour with my first, really traumatic, almost 70 hours ending in an emergency csection because his heart rate plummeted. Still hasn’t put me off Grin x

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 10/01/2021 21:07

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

Original poster
holleebush · 10/01/2021 21:09

@Oldbutstillgotit very young still! I’m early 20’s and he’s mid. We’ve been together for a few years. That’s why I’m okay with him not being ready! I can’t stop wanting, that’s my only problem. Don’t want to change his mind, just want to stop being so down x

OP posts:
Maca07166 · 10/01/2021 21:24

You are both so young, with his age brought into perspective I think he’s just being totally honest that he’s not ready yet so he’s what 25/26?

Unfortunately only you can get a grip and stop obsessing over another baby you already have a child. There will be an age gap but so be it.

At least he’s honest and if he’s promised you then I’d go on that and enjoy your relationship.

The last thing that he wants is to feel pressured into having a baby now when he’s been totally up front with you and seeing you down is going to make him feel pressured.

You’ve talked and agreed to a time limit of 5 years enjoy the 5 years!

He sounds like a decent bloke raising your child as his own is a big indicator for the type of man you have.

Original poster
holleebush · 10/01/2021 21:38

@Maca07166 thank you. I know all of that. He is fantastic and I adore every inch of him.
I am well aware that I need to ‘get a grip’ as you so put it, I was just hoping for some advice on how to do so.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 11/01/2021 04:42

You need to get over this. He isn’t ready and you’re going to spoil things with this obsession. Focus on the child that you have. You are lucky to have found a man to take in a child that isn’t his

Original poster
holleebush · 11/01/2021 07:44

@Sunflower1970 as I’ve said above, I fully understand that and I want to get over this obsession, that’s why I’m asking for help. I was looking to see if anyone had any tips on how to get over it, as I’m well aware that that’s what I need to do.

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 11/01/2021 07:48

You don't have to "get over it" as you keep saying, you just have to let it not rule your life and give yourself a bit of a shake when you think of your own feelings when you see your SIL pregnant for instance. As you are still so young, just enjoy life! Enjoy this time with your partner, enjoy your young child.

Twattergy · 11/01/2021 07:50

Bottling it up is what's creating creating pressure. Find a way to tall about it (ideally if finances allow I'd suggest therapy). But if you have a friend who'd let you talk w them for 30 mins a week about it, at least you'd have a way to express how you feel. I think that would help ease it.

Normalmumandwife · 11/01/2021 07:56

You are young and just rushing things. Take time, perhaps see whether at some point he wants to get married? If not I don't suggest you start producing babies with him

believeinblue · 11/01/2021 07:58

If you were 30s I'd be warning you to be careful to not waste your baby years with someone who sounds so hesitant, but as he's only mid 20s I'm not surprised he's so hesitant.

What have you got going on in your life outside of your son? Have you got hobbies? A career? Something to work towards?

LaraLuce · 11/01/2021 08:02

Do you live together? I would get married first. But you already have a child in the house so he is already living the life of a parent. So I would be worried that 'not ready' means not ready to commit to you rather than a child. However, you are young so you can afford to wait around a little and see how it goes.

MiddleAgedLurker · 11/01/2021 08:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Original poster
holleebush · 11/01/2021 08:30

Thank you all for your comments. We both know where we stand, we do live together, we both work, have active social lives and hobbies, and adore our little boy. We both want to get married and have more children. I understand what page he is on, and he understands which I am on, and are both set on doing things at the right time for us, both individually and as a couple.
My son is my entire world, same to my partner, and my partner and I have a solid relationship filled with positive communication.

OP posts:
believeinblue · 11/01/2021 08:35

Sounds like the perfect life then. You have enough to keep you occupied so you just need to wait a few years, give yourself a timeline of how long you are willing to wait with the situation as it is before you want to discuss again.

litterbird · 11/01/2021 08:39

Hi OP. I have seen one of my friends go through this and the urge to have more children was monumental in her. It was all she could talk about, really obsessive. She stopped talking to her partner about it as he just wasn't ready so spoke to her girlfriends instead. It was worrying to hear as the angst was so deep and real. She said it was like an alien had taken over her brain and was flooding her thoughts with babies. You probably wont like the end of the story but doesn't have to be yours. She left her partner as he wouldn't commit to another and very quickly met someone else at a party, fell pregnant with him within 3 months and has a beautiful daughter but the relationship is fraught with problems. If you could speak with friends, family or a therapist to work with your constant thoughts it may be the best option as you dont want to go down my friends path just to have another baby.

Dery · 11/01/2021 08:42

Hi OP - you’ve had some great advice. As a PP said - it’s not about getting over the obsession, it’s about not letting it rule you.

But with anything like this, practising gratitude can really help. Every day, jot down a few things you feel really grateful for. Sounds like there’s a lot. So you’re focusing on what you have rather than what you don’t have. And maybe give yourself, say, an allotted 5 minutes a day to do a bit of manifesting for your future children ie just a few positive affirmations that the future children will come in their right time. So that way you’re keeping that future in view but learning to focus on the present and all your current blessings which sound considerable.