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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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14 replies

NewAccountNCforthispost · 10/01/2021 20:29

Hi all. NC... I’ve posted a few times.

Myself and DP have been together many years and have a handful of children. All good at home. Happy in our relationship, never argue no issues ect. DP mainly has friends of the opposite sex, never bothered me until a new friend. They have a lot in common and chat a lot over text. (I’ve seen the messages pop up) When the friendship began DP would talk about them ect. Now DP never mentions them. I saw a text over DPs shoulder, I don’t know the full context of the conversation but DP was suggesting a lunch/dinner at some point in the future. They both have the same job at the same workplace and are key workers so still see each other at work. I’m furloughed. I know this friend has a thing for DP as they have made it fairly clear to DP in a indirect way. Am I over thinking things or should I be worried.

OP posts:
2me2u2u2me · 10/01/2021 20:39

I know this friend has a thing for DP as they have made it fairly clear to DP in a indirect way

This would be enough for me to say to him them being in contact outside work wasn’t acceptable to me.

I wouldn’t be ok with this, I don’t think you’re overthinking

Onthedunes · 10/01/2021 20:53

I would suggest if he is planning a meal with her, for you and your handful of children to go together with them.

Sounds nice.

seensome · 10/01/2021 20:55

If he doesn't mention it to you then it does seem a bit dodgy. See if you can broach the subject about her, what is his reactions, what would he be willing to tell.

Definitelynotlazy · 10/01/2021 21:05

Your Spidey senses are tingling. Good idea to pay attention.
Does DP normally suggest lunch/dinners to his friends or is this a bit out of the ordinary?
You could just have an honest conversation and say you need a bit of reassurance. No need for accusations, just a bit of a chat over wine and nibbles.

HerMammy · 10/01/2021 21:07

How is it made clear but indirect?? Could you elaborate?

MsDogLady · 11/01/2021 06:19

I know this friend has a thing for DP as they have made it fairly clear to DP in an indirect way.

If he is aware that this woman fancies him, he should be setting appropriate boundaries and distance. Instead, he frequently chats with her outside of work and is suggesting a lunch/dinner date. That is unacceptable and wouldn’t be happening in my marriage.

As for his mentionitis that has now stopped, that is odd. This has certainly been known to occur when inappropriate closeness has developed.

Why are you tolerating this, OP? How has this been addressed?

Bree25 · 11/01/2021 20:03

God no I would not be comfortable with that at all
And I don’t think you’ll find many women that are , to be honest I’m not keen on my partner making any new female friendships I always think someone ends up catching feelings

Sunflower1970 · 12/01/2021 05:43

Why is he making new friends with women? I could not tolerate this at all.

Heapsy35 · 12/01/2021 08:16

Trust your senses. They are usually for a reason even if it's just because he's stepping across a line that makes you feel uncomfortable which is something he shouldn't want to do and should happily want to make things OK.
I have had that gut feeling twice and both times I was right.
First time I ended up finding texts from friends saying how much another female liked him and that he definitely should make sure I wasn't at the party so they could enjoy spending time together. Flirting was as far as it went but it killed me inside.
I didn't do anything about it and a good few years later I got that feeling again and found messages between him and a colleague. It discussed them sharing a bed the night before and if only they weren't married. That it was only cuddles so it was OK and some increasingly flirtatious messages.
In both cases I told him I never wanted him to speak to either of them again.
In hindsight, I wish I'd left after the first one and definitely after the 2nd.
But I didn't. I had no self worth either time which was reinforced by his behaviour (he even contacted number 2 a few months after I told him not to trying to meet, again, I didn't leave because our dd was 18 months old)
I'm still with him now, things are better in some ways in that I haven't had that feeling in a long time and I genuinely think it won't happen again, but we have a number of other issues which potentially stem from it. I still hurt from what happened in the past
We have another child now (15 months) and even though its been 13 years since the first time and about 5 since the second I still carry it with me and always will.

Mundaym678 · 12/01/2021 10:13

Trust the gut! The fact that you’re comfortable with him having other female friends but this one is giving you a weird feeling is saying something. I would put my foot down now. My friend had a bad feeling about a friendship for months and months and in the end it lead to an affair and he left her for the other woman. Obviously I’m not suggesting this is going to happen to you, but I do wonder, if it had been stopped early in its tracks for my friend, perhaps the outcome may have been different.

Wanderlusto · 12/01/2021 10:40

Agree that theres no reason for a married man to be making 'new' female friends. Let alone going to dinner with them I'd tell him it was unacceptable and he needed to think long and hard about why he thought such disrespect to you was remorely acceptable and buck up his ideas.

SameToo · 12/01/2021 10:47

@Sunflower1970 so your partner is never allowed to make a new female friend? That’s ridiculous! Especially if you work with them. I have made new male friends who I’ve been for coffee with etc and my husband wouldn’t bat an eyelid!

Making her feelings known and texting frequently is inappropriate but not all relationships with the opposite sex go this way!

@NewAccountNCforthispost does he know she likes him? If so then he is being very inappropriate to encourage a relationship.

BillMasen · 12/01/2021 21:48

@Wanderlusto

Agree that theres no reason for a married man to be making 'new' female friends. Let alone going to dinner with them I'd tell him it was unacceptable and he needed to think long and hard about why he thought such disrespect to you was remorely acceptable and buck up his ideas.
So it’s be ok for a man to forbid his wife from ever having a new friend if they’re male? Really?
BillMasen · 12/01/2021 21:50

@Sunflower1970

Why is he making new friends with women? I could not tolerate this at all.
You wouldn’t tolerate it?

Controlling, and a man “not tolerating” his wife’s choice of friends would be called abusive.

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