Is my family right to want nothing to do with me?

[Changeling26]

I’m speaking of my mother’s side of the family. Two aunts, one cousin and my grandfather.

The dynamics within the family have long been strained. My mother pushed everyone’s boundaries throughout my childhood, was involved in criminal behavior in general and also abused me and any foster children who were unfortunate enough to be placed with her. When I was 19, I finally cut her out of my life and went no contact.

I still wished for closeness with other family members. I saw them as being quite different from her, more healthy. For a while they did still welcome me. There’s an odd dynamic at my grandparent’s house, though. One of my aunts has lived there all of her adult life, my cousin lives there, as well as the uncle who I didn’t mention at the beginning of this post. He has paranoid schizophrenia, although I’m certain that doesn’t account for the behaviors I’m about to describe. I was molested by him in the house when I was about 5 years old. Before that happened to me, he had molested all of his sisters, including my mother, when they were growing up. I found out about this from my mother, from overhearing her conversations with her sisters. They spoke about how they were never believed by their parents, my grandparents.

I kept my sexual abuse a secret for most of my life. I’m sure there must have been telling signs in my odd behavior, but no one seemed to notice any of it. When I was about 24 I decided it was time to try to confront them about this. I’ll admit, I was dealing with previously repressed anger and I worded myself in a harsh way to my grandparents when they tried to tell me to stop talking and “accusing” my uncle of these horrendous things. I told them that I didn’t think it was forgivable that they did not believe their own daughters when they tried asking for help.

My grandmother passed away last year. Since then, the rest of the family have completely stopped talking to me. They treat me as if I am problematic, as if there’s something wrong with me for speaking out. Even my two aunts who were sexually abused by him also. That hurts the most.
I can accept that I should have worded myself differently. That I shouldn’t have let my anger get the better of me back then.

But why have they completely iced me out?

People have to do what is right for them. Perhaps discussing the abuse is too difficult for them or there could be other reasons. If it’s the right thing for them then yes they are making the right decision.

I’m sorry for what you have been through and if your family’s decision have caused you further anguish.

I think a better wording is " I am right to want nothing to do with my family " . Leave them behind and don't look back.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been thorough but you also need to try to understand it’s not all about you, it’s also about them, and rhe impact the uncles behaviour, your disclosure, your anger had on them and how it all resurfaced. They also need to do what they need to do to protect their own mental health.

@MrsWindass

Thank you 💐

I am aware that it isn’t all about me. Frankly, it hasn’t ever been about me to them.

I do feel that I had a right to be angry toward people who were supposed to protect me. And parents are supposed to protect all of their children. If my words inconvenienced them, fair enough, but abuse inconvenienced me. Being told to keep quiet about it—also a big “inconvenience.” Not very healthy.

Hi OP, its almost like they have given your uncle a free pass because of his schizophrenia, "he couldn't help it" "it was his other self" " we don't talk about it, it never happened" But it did and your Grandparents should of had him removed, maybe they thought it was their fault he has schizophrenia. You need to have some sort of therapy for this and go NC with them all, as they cant deal with it.💐

You are the squeaky wheel OP, it took a great deal of courage to confront them and say he harmed you and it's not right. Think of this from their point of view which is easier, to acknowledge what their son has done to their daughters and then granddaughter, to face up to the fact they ignored information given to them about the hurt this man had caused and he went on to do it again, that they failed to protect vulnerable children and seek help for a damaged son, or to just block you, the squeaky wheel from the family? Ignoring you allows them to stay in denial, to prevent having to reflect on their own failings as parents and grandparents. They are taking the easiest road. I have been in your position and expert counseling was the only way for me to get any understanding and healing, I wish you well OP